Here’s what I want. I want you to take this email VERY SERIOUSLY. I want you to put all six of these intimacy accelerators on your calendar or whatever way you remind yourself to get something done… a list, post-it notes, your Dayrunner… whatever. Just DO these six things if you are lucky enough to have a partner.
Whether you set up the dates or request your partner to create these experiences, I want you to check each of these off the list over the next few weeks. Then I want you to report back to me by replying to any email I send you. Tell me which one was the most fun and why… and share your experience if these intimacy accelerators improved your actual lovemaking. Will you do this for me? For you? For your partner? For your love life? For your sex life?
If you want to transform friction into connection… if you’re going to move from having sex to making love… It requires a deepening of intimacy both in the bedroom and before you get there.
Intimacy comes from shared romantic experiences. Some romance creates meaning; some are ritualized. The best romantic techniques that positively impact your sex for the better are physical and emotional ones like these below.
Here are six fundamental ways you can improve your intimacy before you start having sex to experience a more profound heart connection and more satisfying sex when you do have it.
- Moving In Nature
- Getting Wet
- Massage and Touch
- Holding Each Other
- The Feeling Wheel
- Love Games
Moving In Nature
If you want to move your partner’s emotions, move their body. Walking in nature, dancing in the kitchen, a bike ride, or a yoga session are great ways to get your bodies moving together. These physical experiences will bring you closer and generate feelings of romance. The classic romantic image of a couple in a rowboat is quintessential because it combines nature with movement.
Immersing yourself in water creates a particularly notable state change. Taking a sauna, a soak in a hot tub, or a dip in a river or the ocean is also an exhilarating and intimate experience that couples remember with fondness.
Massage and Touch
Some of the best intimate moments are hands-on. A head rub, face massage, or foot massage wonders for the spirit. Just touching and being touched are vital for co-regulating our nervous systems and connecting limbically as mammals. There are four kinds of touch, and only one is sexual. The other three are nurturing, healing, and sensual, which can be intimate and rejuvenating.
Holding Each Other
Then there’s embrace. A long, leisurely hug in each other’s arms can provide a refreshing outlook when life feels challenging. Sometimes we just want to be held. And holding our partner can be a surprisingly satisfying experience as the giver.
A conversation is an excellent option for deepening intimacy when physical movement is not an option. Three of the best ways to deepen intimacy are:
- Using the Feeling Wheel
- 3 Things I Love About You Game
- Sharing Favorite Frames
The Feeling Wheel
This list of emotions is called Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions. This wheel can help you identify your feelings and elaborate on them. If you’re feeling playful, you can explain how you’d like to play. If you’re feeling vulnerable, you can share what’s in your heart. If you’re thankful, you can take a moment of gratitude with your partner. The feeling wheel is an easy on-ramp to emotional exploration.
3 Things I Love About You Game
Playing a game called “3 Things I Love About You” can go on for decades without repeating the reasons. Either partner can ask for three reasons at any time. Their beloved then comes up with three new things they appreciate, respect, or adore with specifics.
“I love how you can figure out Internet things. I am always so impressed at how you understand technical information.”
“You always surprise me with new meals. Even after 30 years, you’re ticking my tastebuds with your fantastic cooking.”
“When I look at you, I’m so pleased with how young-looking you keep yourself. You’re so vital and exuberant. I’m proud to call you my husband.”
In a way, 3 Things I Love About You is a game of gratitude and appreciation. It lets us know not just that we are loved, but precisely about who we are and what we do has a positive impact on our partner.
Sharing Favorite Frames
Similarly, the game Sharing Favorite Frames is a verbal door into ways we get joy. You do it by sharing body-based or physical experiences you’ve had together that you found particularly delightful.
The “frame” is like a snapshot of a moment in time you and your partner shared that felt good to you.
“Last night, when you were rubbing my neck, you got exactly the right spots that hurt. It’s like you have a sixth sense of what feels good. The way you rubbed in the pain cream felt so good I drooled a little!”
“You probably aren’t even aware of this, but you mindlessly tickle my thigh when we are driving. I imagine you like the feel of my skin on your fingers. And I love how softly and adoringly you touch me. It fills my heart with love that we are still so physically adoring each other.”
We need verbal feedback, approval, respect, and adoration as humans. Both 3 Things I Love About You and Sharing Favorite Frames are games that improve our intimacy.
There’s nothing more important in the world than the love of our family and our good health. Intimacy keeps us healthy, and our relationships signify a well-led life.