When you have a new relationship, how do you introduce your “freak” side to the other partner without scaring them? There are many vulnerabilities in sex, and you don’t always want to come on too strong. Learn about weird sexual fantasies.
WEIRD SEXUAL FANTASIES
Your sexual maturation is a lifelong pursuit of pleasure if you allow it. If what you desire continues to evolve—with new fantasies and ideas exciting you—then you’re on the right track to a life of personal sexual development.
What you want in your 20’s and 30’s is very different from what might turn you on in your 50’s and 60’s. Sexual experiences are a never-ending gift. We can learn how to experience up to 15 different kinds of orgasms. We can enjoy many types of dirty talk, from genital worship to fantasy stories. There’s role play, toys, sex positions, making love in different places, or learning new techniques such as an Expanded Orgasm practice. We can try threesomes or go to sex parties—perfect for those with voyeuristic or exhibitionistic fantasies. Many folks enjoy light forms of bondage from Shibari (Japanese erotic rope play) to blindfolds and consensual impact play such as spanking.
In the category of fetish, objects such as silk panties or body parts such as feet in high heels get cemented in our sexual response as arousing.
If you’re worried that your particular desire is unusual, know that most people who embrace their sexuality have many fetishes and fantasies at any given time. Once you move from missionary intercourse to sampling the smorgasbord of sexual delicacies, you will find a whole host of ideas that excite and ignite you. Remember to start small. Don’t disgorge your most unusual fantasy. Start with something that may be familiar.
There are two excellent ways to awaken your partner’s appreciation for your particular turn-ons.
AWAKEN YOUR PARTNER’S ADVENTUROUS SPIRIT
1. Show them
2. Tell them
The more you educate your partner about what you desire and why it turns you on, the more they can stand in your shoes and understand the opportunity this presents for your sex life. Variety and novelty increase desire. Instead of being worried that the object or subject of your fantasy is shameful or wrong, reframe your thinking.
Showing and telling your partner about your turn-ons opens them up to more pleasure. You are giving them a gift of sexual creativity when you share your deepest desires.
There are very few weird sexual fantasies, fetishes, or kinks people have shared with me that could create problems. Most turn-ons are very, very typical. We humans like a lot of crazy stuff, so it’s likely that what you worry about is very normal. Approach this like an adventure, not as an issue. Your positive mindset is the foundation for normalizing and trying new things together. I don’t like the term “freak” because it’s negative. It’s loaded with shame, as is the word fetish for many lovers. Just consider these desires you have and take out the judgment.
Your approach to showing and telling your partner your desires may differ depending on how they are generally motivated. According to The People Code, a simple construct for identifying what drives people to act the way they do, there are four categories: Power, Intimacy, Peace, and Playfulness.
POWER, INTIMACY, PEACE, AND PLAYFULNESS
Let’s say you want to restrain your lady, but you’re afraid she will balk at the notion.
If she’s motivated by Power, you can share a fantasy where she’s the most empowered when tied up because she’s the one in charge.
If Intimacy motivates her, then sharing your deepest desire for bondage will let her into your vulnerable side in a way she may never have entered before.
Peace as a motivation makes bondage easy. She doesn’t have to DO anything. She is going to be completely taken care of during the scene you envision.
Of course, if your partner is motivated by Playfulness, you will describe how much fun it will be to tie her up and make love to her.
I find it universally helpful to approach education through storytelling. For example, envision a scene where you
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Once you’ve imagined the scene, share your fantasies with her. Let her know you are just telling her a story. There is no pressure to perform unless she wants to. Advise her that this gets you excited talking about it. You can say to her while you’re giving her an orgasmic breast massage. Or after you’ve blown her mind with multiple orgasms. Or even while driving in the car to thrill her.
Find pictures of the type of scene you imagine. Watch some movie clips together. Read an erotic novel that captures the feelings you want to create. Once you’ve filled her head with the thoughts I’ve outlined, she will be inclined to visualize herself in the situation.
IRRESISTIBLE IDEAS
What you are doing is normalizing the behavior—helping her see that it can be safe and fun, and there’s nothing wrong with a bit of restraint play.
Ask her to share her fears. Let her tell you what part appeals and what part makes her nervous or seems like it won’t suit her. Adjust your stories with her input and keep sharing fantasies with her. Ask her what dreams she has. Help her feel more confident expressing them.
Over time you two will be comfortable sharing your turn-ons, which will lead to more pleasure. The beginning might be rocky, but know that you are growing together, which signifies that you will have a solid relationship behind closed doors.
