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Is CHEATING nasty if my wife doesn’t know it? [Mailbag]

“I only feel about 72, and I secretly take 50 or 100mg of Viagra for an occasional fling with a 30+ woman at a massage shop.”

The pros and cons of being radically honest with your partner.

Some years ago, I talked about how withholding from our partners and lovers destroys relationships and sex lives. 

Just recently, a musician/actor/celebrity who was married and has a family was caught in a cheating scandal with an Instagram model. 

Then, a well-known group of internet influencers/content creators went through emotional and legal damage control after discovering that one of their core members was caught having an interoffice affair with an employee.

None of these sound new and unique. Cheating happens so frequently now. People and families get hurt. What should people do to heal and move on?

I recently received an email from a reader detailing a situation in which being radically honest and clearing withholds should be practiced.

Here’s his email:


“Hi, Susan, 

I am a married man of 57 years. My wife is not very well, with only one kidney, no gallbladder, and an operation on the uterus many years ago. 

Our relationship is almost sexless, even though I still love real sex at 82.

I only feel about 72 and secretly take 50 or 100mg of Viagra for an occasional fling with a 30+ woman at a massage shop.

Do you think I am doing anything wrong to maintain my sexual urges? 

Thank you for your answer, as I enjoy your sexual scripts.

Kind regards, 

Derek (not his real name).”



Hi Derek,

Though none of those surgeries impact your wife’s sexual potential, she is not interested in sex as much as you.

But you said, “almost sexless.”

So my question is, are you having ANY intercourse or kissing her — any mouth-to-genital or genital-to-genital contact with your wife?

If you are, you must tell her you are having sex with a sex worker. I assume you are paying this woman at the massage shop, yes?

Because if this masseuse is having sex with you, it’s obvious she is having sex with other customers.

Which Means You Can Get A Sexually Transmitted Infection ⇐ How To Avoid Getting 19 STIs

And if you are having any mouth-to-genital or genital-to-genital contact with your wife, there is a possibility you can transmit the sexual infection to her.

So she deserves to be informed.

If you have NO mouth-to-genital or genital-to-genital contact with your wife and never expect to again… then it’s a different issue.

It’s really up to you whether you want to tell her.

I practice Radical Honesty. And even in that practice, some things needn’t be spoken.

Only you in your heart know what a man of integrity would do in your situation. 

I hope this helps.



If you have a situation similar to Derek’s, here’s what you might do.

If you have a situation similar to Derek’s, here’s what you might do. 

Being radically honest is ideal, even if what you want to say may hurt the other person. 

That’s why I highly suggest the technique, Clearing Withholds, to let your partner know what’s in your heart of hearts without turning it into a “big deal.” 

Clearing withholds with each other early on would have also prevented the situation from getting to where Derek is now.

If he’d explained he still had needs and asked his wife what he should do about it, she might have freed him up to go to a “masseuse.”

When you and your lover are openly honest, you pave the way to the possibility of you pulling together — or splitting apart.

There’s a risk, but it’s a risk you must take to make your relationship and sex life work. 

When you’re at the point where it’s “almost sexless” and one person isn’t respecting the other person’s sexual needs (sex is a primal need), something must be done. 

It happened to me.

First, you need to be in sync with each other’s needs. What are the things each of you values the most?

This is an exercise I talk about in Relationship Magic.

It’s the first step to a perfect relationship and a steamy sex life.

Prioritize each other.

Men struggle to understand why their wives pull away from sex. Often, she’s not getting what she needs from the other parts of her relationship.

This Relationship Magic little downloadable book will help you and your partner understand each other’s fundamental needs so you can be physically intimate.
Before you learn another sex technique, do this exercise in Relationship Magic. It’s the portal to pleasure together.

Sweethearts Suz and Tim

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