His whole body responds to the sight of her breast, the curve of her waist. She gets more turned on listening to you tell her how sexy she is to you. Read on to learn how to make him want sex.
A man wants to show his woman how much he loves her physically. His body speaks a secret language that cannot be put into words.
The mere sight of a woman’s body is a pressure relief valve. When a man makes love to a woman, the everyday pressures of life fade into the background. He wants these the most from his relationship: lovemaking that nurtures his body, clears his mind, and uplifts his soul.
Why, then, does the door to intimacy so often remain closed?
MAKE HIM WANT SEX
He knows she enjoys sex on the rare occasion it happens. But when lovemaking isn’t happening sometimes for weeks, he starts to ache inside. He may feel rejected or even angry.
What can a man do to turn this around and open the door to intimacy?
I recently spoke with Peak Performance Coach Iris Benrubi about this for my Revive Her Drive Mastery Coaching series. Iris focuses on peak experiences that expand every part of a person’s life in her work with clients.
Being a peak experience junkie (especially when it comes to sex), I knew Iris would have some valuable advice about keeping a woman interested in sex over the long haul.
So here’s her expert advice in a nutshell.
Three common problems can sap the life out of your sex life in a long-term monogamous relationship. Both men and women will love these insights. I promise.
- From a woman’s perspective, physical affection is just that: physical affection. Just because she wants or gives affection doesn’t necessarily mean she’s hot to trot. It may not be the right time for her. She may be too tired or on her period. Sometimes she just needs a hug for the sake of a hug. For him, a hug is like an on-ramp to foreplay. But what if she needs to be hugged to melt into her man’s arms? From her perspective, a hug is like pulling over to the side of the road to take a break and slow down.
SHE WILL BLOSSOM
The fix is obvious. Give her what she needs: physical affection for the sake of physical love. The more you hug, kiss, and hold her with no attachment to whether or not you’re going to “get lucky,” the more she’ll melt, and the closer she’ll be to getting turned on when she’s good and ready.
We have two nervous systems that toggle back and forth between relaxation (it’s safe) and turn on. For a person’s nervous system to be turned on, they must first relax. That’s what allows their natural libido to spike.
2. She needs to HEAR that there is no other woman you would rather be with than her. Of course, your primary motivation is making her happy. It’s why you work so hard to stay on top of things. But do you tell her that?
Women need verbal stimulation the way men need visual inspiration.
When was the last time you reminded her just how much you cherish her? Women: remember when the sound of his voice saying, “You look gorgeous,” would make your heart skip a beat, maybe even turn you on? A man should never forget how important it is to a woman to hear expressions of love.
The fix, in this case, might not be so apparent until a woman like Iris or me gives it to you straight.
Iris advises men: “Let her know how beautiful she is to you. Tell her that you love the smile in her eyes. Tell her, ‘I love your hair today,’ or, ‘Wow! You look great in that outfit.’ She wants to feel like she’s not just an appendage who cooks, cleans, and lays in bed for sex. She needs to know that she’s more.”
A SUPER SIMPLE SOLUTION
Iris’ advice is spot-on. We, women, need to feel appreciated, admired, and ADORED. She needs to know that you notice her. How many women get their hair cut and styled, and then, three days later, her man finally sees and says, “Did you cut your hair?” That kind of thing makes her think she’s not that important to you.
The solution? Super simple. Men: keep your eyes open. Notice when she wears a new dress or puts on high heels. Compliment her whenever you can. Be authentic and consistent. She will start to blossom, and the next thing you know, she’ll be feeling sexy and desirous again.
And if you want to get specific about what will make her the happiest woman in the world and him the happiest guy in the world, read my popular book, Relationship Magic. In 10 minutes, you’ll discover the magic words you and your partner need to know to develop a deep love and hot sex in your relationship.
(A word to the wise for the guys: When you share your top four relationship values with her, explain that your need for visual excitement is similar to her need for verbal appreciation. And that’s why you like to see her in lingerie and look at her naked body. You get so excited when she lets you look at her private parts up close.)
GET INTO FIX IT MODE
3. A woman needs to feel safe with her man on an emotional level. We have a built-in gauge that tells us if we’re safe to have whatever emotions we have. And if that gauge is “low,” we can’t open up sexually. It’s not a conscious process; it’s how we’re wired (It’s worth noting that some women have their wires crossed and can only get turned on when they feel at risk emotionally, but that’s another conversation.)
So just how does a man make a woman feel safe to feel what she feels and be where she is on an emotional level?
Iris gets very concrete about this. Here’s her advice to guys: “When she feels something, whether it’s logical or not, acknowledge it. Say, ‘I get how frustrating this is for you, sweetie,’ instead of, ‘You should look for another job that won’t get you so stressed.’
It’s great that men are problem solvers, but when our guys go into “fix it” mode right away, we don’t feel understood and shut down. Once a woman shuts down emotionally, sex is off the table.
The more empathic he is, the more she’ll be able to settle in and say to herself, ‘Okay. He’s a safe man. I don’t have to be on my guard. I can puddle into his arms, and he will protect me even if he disagrees with me.’
A man who does these three things consistently can vastly increase his chances of getting all the sex he needs and.
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A man needs to understand that acknowledging what his woman feels doesn’t mean agreeing with her. It just means he can empathize with how she feels. She’s had a tough day, or it’s tough to deal with her mother, or she can’t decide whether to leave work and go back to school or change jobs.
It’s not your job to fix the situation. Don’t offer solutions or suggestions or get her to see it differently. Listen. Let her off-load her feelings. This will calm her and make her more open to your touch.