How do I let go of goals but still “keep my eyes on the ball?” Read on to learn how to make love.
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> How do I let go of goals but still “keep eyes on the ball?”
This is a step-by-step story on how to make love. Please take this in with an open mind because I notice this is where guys think they know more than they do. So, with a loving heart, I can genuinely say that you can become a better lover after reading this.
“Your juicy loving words & ideas make me really look forward to fun sex every day. The way you talk about sex tells me how great it is for you. Plus, the articles you send out in your newsletter are beyond helpful and informative. Where were you all our lives? I also want to thank you for your FREE book on how to have More Sex More Often as loving couples. It turned my whole relationship and sex life a complete 180! Thanks!”
Many women can’t achieve their pleasure-potential because their man has a minimal view of lovemaking. (If you are straight, gay, single, married, queer, poly, trans, it’s ALL good. This lovemaking game plan can be modified for your sexual satisfaction.)
Sex goes beyond the moment of penetration. Everything you’re doing isn’t leading up to intercourse. The whole lovemaking experience can be orgasmic when you know how to take a woman into her sexual mind state and then give her stacking, expanding orgasmic pleasure.
Women want a man with a plan — a bedroom game plan. Women ask me constantly: how do I get him to stop thinking penetration is the goal? How do I get him to focus on more sensual experiences? How do I get him to slow down and stop rushing me?
Side note: “Dominance Aura” was one of the top five sex techniques women said they wanted their man to learn in a recent survey I did about sexual skills.
So how does he show confidence and bedroom dominance? The first step starts with the plan, the confidence to move a woman through a sexually escalating and calming experience. The second step happens before you start having sex too. Step two is setting a sensual environment. The “mood-setting” establishes polarity (masculine sexual leadership) by creating a safe and sexy setting that allows a woman to surrender to her pleasure with you.
“Sexual mindset question: You say to let go of goals in the bedroom but at the same time to lead her to her sexual pleasure. How do I do both?”
BEDROOM GAME PLAN
Memorize many techniques, so you have a lot to draw from. Get on my Steamy Sex Ed® Video Collection VIP Notification list. I’ll let you know the next time we have a sale on Steamy. With over 200 massages, oral and lovemaking techniques, and positions, you’ll be running the bedroom game at a much higher level of skill.
Use a variety of fingers, tongue, and genital stimulation. Keep escalating her desire. This is about momentum. You’re taking her from neutral to aroused but building S.L.O.W.L.Y.
Do NOT go right for her breasts or genitals. Start from the outside (hands, feet, hair, back) and slowly work your way to her breasts and genitals. Here’s my Bullseye Touch Technique video describing it.
You will be aware of moving her up the arousal ladder without pushing her too fast. Think about toggling – going back and forth from stimulation to relaxation and back, again and again. Allow her to get turned on a little, let her system rest a tiny bit from it, and finally stimulate her again. This will arouse her faster than just stimulation.
This approach I’m describing is not the right way; it’s a possibility that will give you a good feel for masculine sexual leadership. You have felt it already. When you take charge and move her body around, you take a dominant role when you spank her butt. That increases the polarity, and both of you get a direct hit of masculinity, which works for her.
When guys get their hands on my Revive Her Drive program, they often start out thinking, “I’ve got to fix her.” The smart guys came back to me a while later, saying: “Wow, I thought it was her, but it’s me I need to fix. I need to work on my polarity.”
Paul said, “I want to thank you for the Revive Her Drive program, I went through all the audiobooks, and I think I have found the problem. It was polarity. Our connection has improved since I started running the bedroom game plan. Yesterday my wife even told me that she had a dream in which she asked me to go to bed NOT TO SLEEP :-).”
Now let’s talk about how you ravish her in the bedroom. I’m just going to walk you through a lovemaking scene.
You want to start a day or two ahead of time. Send her sexy texts, tease her in all good ways, let her know how much you like her.
Go out and buy her some special lingerie and, when the day comes, lay it out on the bed. If she likes to wear sexy shoes, put those out, too. Here’s the kind of lingerie women want and the safest things to get.
Set the temperature in the room just the way she likes it. You don’t want her rustling around for a blanket or a pair of woolen socks because she’s cold. Put on a playlist of romantic music you know gets her turned on. I recommend
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Have some candles ready, or just
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Make sure you have a pitcher of water by the bed and a couple of glasses. You might want to throw down a waterproof mattress cover (especially if she squirts or if you’ve been working on the female ejaculation techniques inside Female Liquid Orgasm). When you’re done having sex, you can pull it off and throw it on the floor until morning.
Have a stack of towels near the bed. Hand towels and washcloths for wiping off lube and fluids. Bath towels for placing under her if she wants more absorbency.
Do whatever you need to do to get the bedroom ready for lovemaking. I give detailed instructions on creating the most sensual loverspace in this audio: The Orgasmic Fantastic Sex Date. Go ahead and grab a copy with my compliments and commit it to memory. You also get a transcript of the audio for later reference.
Next, you need to start warming her up while the two of you are still in the living room. Give her a foot rub or a neck rub. Stroke her hair, tell her how sexy she is and how much you want her. Then say, “After dinner, I want you to go into the bedroom. I bought a surprise for you. Don’t go in until I let you.” This is you leading with your masculine, taking charge. By now, she’s getting excited. She knows you bought her something. She loves that. Girls love a present, especially one that makes us feel sexy.
During dinner, tell her how much you love her. Be playful. Tell her you’ve planned a lovely night for her. When dinner is over, give her directions. Say, “I want you to go into the bedroom. Your surprise is on the bed. Better yet…” then just pick her up and carry her to the bedroom.
When she sees the lingerie spread out on the bed, she says: “I want you to put this on. I want to see you in it.” Take off her clothes and help her put on the new lingerie. Step back and admire her.
But don’t get busy right away. Say, “Come let daddy love you. Let me hug you and hold you for a while.” Set against the headboard with many pillows behind you like a throne and draw her into your arms. Say, “Let’s relax for a bit; we’ve got plenty of time.” Holding her like this calms her nervous system.
Start to synchronize your breathing. You’ll both start breathing slower and deeper. When you feel her begin to let go, pull her around toward you so you can look into her eyes and ask her if there’s anything she wants to talk about. If she needs to get anything off her chest, just listen. This is not the time to try to solve her problems. Just being there, you will soothe her. Keep telling her how sexy she looks in her new lingerie. Give her specifics, like,
Say whatever is natural for you. Look within yourself and notice what’s coming up for you. Then start giving her a body massage. This is where you may want to remove some pieces of the lingerie. You’re in charge, remember. Move her body where you want her, saying, “Okay, baby, I want you to lie here. I’m going to give you a massage.”
Get her very loose and fluid. Then roll her around and start kissing her a little bit. Shift your weight on top of her, but not all at once. She’s lying back on the bed. You get closer to her, drape your leg across her body. Kiss her face, her forehead, her neck. Then rise over her and play-act pinning her down so she knows she can get out from underneath you if she wants to. Kiss her chest and her shoulders.
Then move toward her mouth, but just brush your lips and then go back to her neck. Brush her lips again, and come back. Brush again, and head for her ears. Then maybe kiss her again, this time giving her a little lick, then return to that erogenous zone – her ears. Your job is to move around and give her a lot of variety. Just let her relax into the sensations of making out. Then go for the deeper kisses, how she likes it – french kisses, deep probing make-out kisses, and start running your hands all over her body.
You’re awakening her sensual grid and firing up her skin so she can feel her sensual nature. You’re making her body come alive by running the palms of your hands all over her whole body. Try and cover as much of her skin as you can. You’re reminding her body of its outer edges.
AWAKEN HER SENSUAL GRID
Next, set up pillows so she’s completely relaxed and goes down on her. Here’s my cunnilingus pillow plan. Remember that you’re working your way from the outside in. You’re not going straight for her clitoris. Tell her how beautiful her pussy looks. Again, listen to your internal voice and tell her something specific you like about her private parts. By saying these things out loud, she’ll get more and more turned on. I know it’s hard for some guys to voice their thoughts.
Make an effort. It’s as essential to her to HEAR your affirmations of desire as it is for you that she dresses in lingerie. (No, not all men care about the visuals, nor do all women care about the verbal feedback, but generally, most do.) Tell her when you notice her yoni turning a darker color, getting plumper and you want to lick her pussy and hear her moan with pleasure. Tell her you love seeing her orgasm face, and it makes you feel like a stud.
Dear man. Listen up. Don’t be goal-oriented. Your job is not to give her an orgasm. Instead, it is just to give her pleasure. If she comes, that’s great. If she doesn’t, don’t worry. Let go of any attachment to an outcome. It just creates performance anxiety for both of you. And confident men are good with whatever happens. So just let things happen instead of trying to force it.
If you’re not sure how to give her cunnilingus or don’t have a wide variety of moves to make her come, get on my Steamy Sex Ed® Video Collection VIP Notification list. There are over 90 oral pleasuring techniques and 40 or 50 different hand techniques. If she doesn’t like oral and doesn’t let you give her oral, get these videos. If she doesn’t enjoy cunnilingus, there’s a 99% chance you’re just not that good at it. When someone knows how to eat a pussy well, their partner wants it all the time. (Same with blow jobs.)
While you’re going down on her, use your fingers and hands as well. You want to get inside her vagina to stimulate the urethral and perineal sponges of erectile tissue and the sensitive vaginal nerves and clitoral legs (crura). Rub and gently knead the tissue underneath her pubic hair areas too. That’s where her vestibular bulbs are. And at the top, across the mons venus under her pubic hair, there’s a tissue that needs to be softened for her to ejaculate fully. Suppose you can give her a pussy massage while you’re licking her labia, the clitoris (including the hood and shaft), urethral opening (pee hole), and her vaginal opening and G-Area inside her vaginal canal. In that case, you’ll stimulate the whole clitoral structure.
THIS IS A CLITORIS
You’re getting as much blood to her genitals as possible. You want to get her fully engorged. Most men don’t realize that a woman has a penis, too. The female structure that’s similar to your penis is inside, not outside. Her entire clitoral system is more than the little button guys think of as her clit. There’s also the shaft, the legs, the vestibular bulbs. You want the entire area to be full of blood, so she has a hard-on in her vulva.
Then you will start moving her around on the bed. While you’re eating her pussy, move her legs, lift her butt, jiggle her a little on your face. Pay attention to her responses and adjust. You can even have a discussion beforehand and set up a feedback loop that I discuss at length in my new free ebook, The Sexual Soulmate Pact. This is one of the six essential skills for connected sex from my new #1 international Amazon best-seller, Sexual Soulmates. Can I get a hell, yeah?
The main thing to remember is that you’re in charge.
You move her.
When you move a woman’s body, you carry her emotions. She is going to have so much fun. You might flip her over and give her a couple of little smacks on her bottom. You know, a spanking is nice. It doesn’t have to be a hard slap; you aim to enliven her sweet cheeks with sensation. It can be little tiny pats or small squeezes. It doesn’t have to be a spanking, but that will get most women going because it’s something new that is a little naughty.
Then say to her, “I want you to go down on me now.” Give her direction. This is not a time to be needy or timid. Remember: you are leading her. Tell her to get on her knees. Tell her that you want her to give you three little licks on the tip of your cock… just a little tease.
You don’t want to have her deep-throat you just yet. If she’s not big on going down on you, make it super short and easy for her to comply. “I want you to give me three little licks.” You can learn all about teaching these techniques in Sloane’s book, The Blowjob Secret. The book goes into all the benefits of giving head for women. I won’t go into that now, but you can go here to get the full download. Right now, I want you to grip her hair gently from the roots and slowly have her give you a couple of little licks. She may surprise you once she gets a taste of your cock.
To increase your chances of getting a good head from your woman, pay attention to your grooming. Shave back your pubic hair. If you have scraggly hairs that dangle from the bottom of your penis, get the two grooming tools I recommend. The One Blade or Femini is a better version of a beard trimmer. Either will remove the long hair. I prefer the One Blade. Tim likes the Femini. The Clean Cut orbital trimmer will make your skin smooth without stubble. These shavers are great for men and women. You don’t have to wax or shave with a razor. These tools are like a beard trimmer and a close shaver. Get your pubic situation manscaped, and she’ll be much happier going down on you. She’ll take it as a sign that you’re taking the lead by making the whole experience work for her.
When you wash up beforehand, be sure to rinse thoroughly. Some soaps have bad taste, and that’s the last thing you want her to experience when she takes you into their mouth. Women are susceptible to flavors, smells, and textures. How you taste or smell can make or break the mood, so use deodorant if you need it. You want the entire experience to be friction-free for her so she can relax and enjoy.
Once you can see that she is aroused, tell her she’s going to have to beg you for sex. You’re not going to give it to her until she wants you inside her so bad she guides your cock between her legs and begs you to enter.
When she does, pick her up, lay her down on the bed, open her legs, and push her down. Make sure she’s down, hold her with one hand, and then have your penis in the other one, and tap your penis on her vulva. Tap it on her clit, rub it around. Go above her clitoral hood and tease the slick tissue that’s there with the tip of your cock. Hold the head of your penis and use it as a massage tool to stroke her fourchette and perineum. (NOTE: Don’t let your penis get anywhere near the anus if you’re planning to put it in her vagina, but you know that.)
Get her wanting you to penetrate her. You want her to plead, “Oh baby, come on, you’re driving me crazy, let me have him. I want your cock inside me so bad. Teach me how to make love.”
Be easy on yourself and her. No-one expects you to do this perfectly. You’ll know you’re in the zone when she surrenders to your masculine leadership and decides to have a great time with it.
You’re stepping into a new role sexually. She might even give you feedback and say something like, “That doesn’t feel good.” Stay in the leadership position by saying, “Thanks, baby.” Shift your focus, pressure, or tempo, then ask, “Do you like this?” Your willingness to course-correct will make her trust you even more, to take her into exciting new sexual terrain.
When you are making love to her, try a few positions. Bend over the bed, “Baby, I’m taking you from behind. Put those high heels back on.” The whole time you’re telling her how unbelievably sexy she is to you, how much she turns you on, how no other woman does it for you as she does. Just keep giving her positive feedback and being the guy in charge.
After you’ve come, she might still have a few more orgasms in her, so put your fingers inside her and stroke her G spot. She might want to hold her vibrator on her clit to have a few more orgasms. You might be satisfied, but she’s got a few more orgasms in her. Have the vibrator clean and ready at the bedside table.
When you can’t wring one more orgasm out of her, hold her close and tell her what a fantastic lover she is. Continue to learn how to make love.
That, my man, is masculine sexual leadership. She doesn’t have to wonder what the plan is or figure out what to do. She doesn’t have to tell you what to do. All she has to do is follow along, get fantastic sex and lots of orgasms from a man who adores her.
The more you play with this, and the more you listen to what’s inside you, the more you’ll trust yourself and the more she’ll trust you. You’ll start coming up with things you’d like to do, and she will, too. Tap into yourself, and you’ll find that your zest, your vitality, your connection to yourself and your woman, will grow and grow. And your life outside the bedroom will change in surprising ways.
And ladies, I hope you can find the words to describe any of the parts of this you’d like in your sex life. Please feel free to post under the video words of encouragement for the guys.
Learn How To Make Love ⇒ My Opinion of How To Ravish A Woman
I hope that gives you a picture of how to ravish your woman. Or how you want to be ravished.
I appreciate you being part of my world. If you have any questions, just reply to this email.