Can’t relax during sex. Can’t come.
“It seems I’m trying so hard to cum that I find myself gripping the sheets, body rigid, not even realizing it.”
Here’s a letter from Ellie asking for advice to help her orgasm more easily:
“I’m really learning a lot from your advice. Even at 57 years young I find there’s so much I missed out on because my ex was a “mission position hop on and off go to sleep” kinda guy. Very selfish.
My new boyfriend — who is 10 years younger than I — thinks I’m sexy as hell! WOW! He makes me feel so much more like a woman.
But sometimes it’s hard for me to relax with him during sex. (Here come the tears…) My difficulty relaxing is not because of him.
I can’t relax because for the last 22 years I’m the only one that has been pleasing myself.
If you have any advice on relaxation I would greatly appreciate it. It seems I’m trying so hard to cum that I find myself gripping the sheets, body rigid, not even realizing it. And I know it’s frustrating for him also because he blames himself for not getting me off. Ugh.
But he’s very pleased with what I’ve learned. Thank you all so much for all the sweat, effort and passion you share with us. Thanks to you my sex life is on an upward swing!
EASY SOLUTION TO COME MORE EASILY
I am so happy you have new hottie boy toy. You deserve him!
And the great news is that it’s going to be so easy to come for him with the advice I am about to give you.
The answer is in being present.
First, share with your boyfriend your current situation —about how all those years of experience have left you a little nervous and unsure. And tell him that you’d appreciate him helping you open to your pleasure.
Tell him that you want to stay present during sex, instead of being in your head worried about coming.
The way he can support you is through eye contact, breathing deeply with you and verbal encouragement.
The minute you start feeling worried, tell him. Bring yourself back to your love and lust for him. Have him connect with you. Slow things down. Let go of any goals. Think about how sexy he is and how much you adore being sensual with him.
Feel your pussy. Open your pussy instead of clinching down. Think about your Yoni like a beautiful lotus flower blossoming under your boyfriend’s loving touch. Keep opening, opening, opening. Feel the pleasure. And breathe.
Breathe all the way into your belly and down into your pussy. Let your belly FILL with air. Pretend there is a beach ball in your abdomen that you are filling with your breath. As you are breathing, have your boyfriend breathe with you.
You can even have him breathe out as you breathe in so that you are circulating your air through each other.
This will slow down your heart rate and get you back in your body.
Here are four articles with erotic breathing techniques and body calming and grounding techniques that you can try:
Breathe Deeply Laugh Loudly Partner Exercise
Breathing Sounding Squeezing Technique
And there’s one more IMPORTANT thing that will help you immensely!
As you begin to make love, start with this “Best Hug In The World.”
This will calm your nervous system before you even start making love. Get yourself to the point where you are drooling on him you are so relaxed.
As you calm your system, you will know the moment when you want a little more… a little kiss, more touching, more stroking… just let your body tell you when it’s ready for sexual instead of just sensual connection. She will know. Let your little animal talk to you and listen to her.
Try these ideas and report back, Ellie.
Thanks so much for asking about this issue. So many women clench up to come. And it actually dampens their orgasmic ability.
How to have sex without pain in my Virginia
Please email me directly with a description of your pain. Tell me how old you are. If you are still having periods or in or past menopause. Are you taking birth control or hormone replacement therapy? Where is the pain? What kind of pain? When does it hurt, just during sex or all the time? Does your vulva have any odor? Have you had children? Did you have an episiotomy? Tell me anything you can think of to describe it and I will try to give you some ideas for ending the pain.
I always learn something when reading your articles….you write about many topics mostly about women’s pleasure, however I need a refers her course on how to pkease a man . I’ve been widowed for almost seven years and well not sure if I can remember how to ” knock his socks off ” ..and be comfortable doing it. I am 51 and we’ll seems I’ve missed a lot and not that I plan on catching up but doing and learning new techniques to pleasure him would be usefully when I finally decided to take the plunge…any advise would be awesone…
I am very glad you are getting yourself back out there.
I’d use the search box in the upper right hand corner and search the following words and read those articles:
5 mind blowing tricks
Start there and you will get a lot of good ideas.