“Why doesn’t he lead me more in the bedroom?”
“I think most women relinquish all sexual responsibilities in relationships to the male!”
New Video! <=== How To Keep Her Coming
This Facebook post reminded me of a familiar man/woman conundrum…
One of the most common complaints I hear from men is, “How come she isn’t more affectionate and why doesn’t she initiate sex?” “Why do I always have to be the one to suggest we make love?”
One of the most common complaints I hear from women is, “How can I get him to take the lead sexually… to have a ” “bedroom game plan… have him give me all kinds of orgasmic pleasure.”
Here’s what’s going on (scroll down):
Depending on where you are on the scale of masculine to feminine at any given moment impacts your needs.
Sometimes the feminine wants to take charge… and sometimes she wants to surrender.
Sometimes the masculine wants to be nurtured and appreciated… and sometimes he enjoys tremendous benefit from being, “the rock.”
If you remember that we all embody a wide range of masculine and feminine feelings and desires you can have an agreement with your partner that you’ll ask for what you need in the moment.
If you need to rage and simply want a witness…
If you’re feeling cocky and you want to take charge…
Make it not just OK, but encourage yourself and your partner to be what IS in each moment.
Ask for what you need.
Let’s take the subject of initiating sex.
If you want to be wanted, instead of doing the chasing, but you are afraid that if you leave it up to your partner to ask for sex, it won’t happen…Try this.
Lower your expectations from SEX —as in intercourse —to intimacy of some kind.
Physiologically, the masculine and feminine are different creatures. To the woman, the idea of intercourse is a BIG ASK. For a man it’s not. He is penetrating… She is being penetrated… very different experiences.
So what if as the man, he asks his woman to, “find three times this week where you take the lead on being affectionate.” (And no, asking for a blow job is too much too!)
Give her three examples of what you’d enjoy, such as:
Come to bed naked and get on top of me and rub all over me and kiss my face. Allow me to feel your body with my hands.
Take a shower together and soap each other up, then rinse and pat each other dry with towels.
Spoon me before we get up in the morning.
Tell me I’m handsome to you.
Pet me or scratch my back or tickle me the way I like when we’re watching TV.
If he can receive these affections without trying to turn them into sex, she will start feeling safe enough to be more affectionate more often.
Then, the simple fact that she’s being affectionate will increase her desire for sex with him over time.
The guy has to fight against his natural instincts to want the BIG prize immediately… by slowing down he actually gets more affection and ultimate more sex.
Being able to maintain himself makes her trust him more… that he does love affection and is not always just trying to get sex.
WHAT ABOUT HER DESIRE TO BE LEAD?
For a guy to have the skills to run the bedroom experience well enough for her to surrender to him, she has to feel secure in his ability to keep her sexual energy high… he has to know how to give her multiple orgasms over a period of time.
Women often push for quickies because they don’t feel he has the skills to provide enough pleasure… her sexual energy drops because he drops the ball and then she doesn’t want to expend the energy to keep it going. She just wants to stop.
If he demonstrates his desire for her, is verbal about how sexually irresistible she is to him, and he has a good supply of communication skills and orgasm techniques he can likely carry the experience well enough for her to allow herself to take her pleasure.
In this video I talk about:
- What to do when what he’s doing doesn’t seem to “feel good,” or her sexual energy drops.
- How to use the clitoral sensitivity from her first orgasm as ammo for her subsequent orgasms — even if she’s been a “one and done” comer before now.
- What to do on those days when she can’t feel his strokes or his penis inside her.
- How he can have confidence in the heat of the moment to keep her moving toward peak after peak (and even how to tell if she’s faking orgasm).
- What’s most important is if he understands her refractory periods, her climactic curve and her erotic map so he can show her what her body is capable of.
- Really what he’s doing is overriding any of her sexual inhibitions with PURE PLEASURE. This much pleasure turns the girl who is struggling just to eek out one measly orgasm into a massively hedonistic experience in bed with him.
This is a brand new video… I just recorded it because after having private discussions with men and women about their sex life desires for a decade, I really understand what men need to know to give women that surrendered pleasure they are longing for.
Even with all of our cultural over rides, we are still —deep in our physiologies —masculine and feminine. You can’t fight city hall. You gotta know that generally men lead and women follow. And even if sometimes it goes the other way… and you can ask for what you need from your partner in the moment… nothing replaces the deep desire for a man to give his woman incredible pleasure… the kind of pleasure that means she’ll never leave you, and she will want you regularly for sex.
Hey, it isn’t easy. Tons of crap gets in the way of us loving each other fully.
But adding to your skills —communication skills and orgasm techniques — both for men and women is the answer to having more pleasure together.
That’s why I’m so glad you are part of our Insider’s Club… the sexual seekers who know that with more skills and techniques you will co-create more joy and pleasure together.
Initiate Sex? My wife? It just doesn’t happen, and when I do, it’s the same boring thing ever single time. Plays with me a little bit only, then she wants me inside her. There’s no oral (ever), she doesn’t like her breasts touched or nibbled on (ever). Since this is what I expect every time, I’m no longer interested in any kind of sex with her at all. She doesn’t even cause me to get an erection. Why? Because I think about what she’ll do, and that’s nothing!!
I’m starting to look for a friend with benefits. I’ve tried everything,but as of now, it won’t happen anyway. She’s way overweight and I can’t even look at her naked anymore without making me mildly ill. What do I do then? Find a sex buddy. if I don’t, my penis will turn into a little bump. Like they say, use it or lose it and I’m not gonna lose it.
I’m sorry about your situation. It it always a sad state when a partner lets themselves go. But you have to bring your compassion to problem. Your wife is probably very miserable and feels alone. She likely misses the affection. She may have been abused or her family or church shamed her about sex.
Don’t be mad. Feel empathy for how it must be for her too.
And you have to TELL HER how you feel.
Instead of cheating on her, you have to have her help you figure out what would work for both of you.
There are a lot of couples who can navigate one of the couple having a lover.
The one thing I insist on is that you man up and deal directly with your needs in a totally honest way.
Even if she has a fit, blows up on you, stonewalls you, threatens divorce… just remember, she is sad and scared too. And she goes without the benefit of intimacy.
So please talk to her and write me back and let me know what the results of your honesty are.
Keep The Faith,
P.S. You are right. You will lose it if you don’t use it. And no one has the right to make their partner squander their sexuality. Think about if one of you had an illness. What would be a solution if that were so? Think about your wife’s sexual estrangement as a result of trauma she’s experienced. Her weight issues are just all a part of that…