The groundbreaking book, A Billion Wicked Thoughts, bases it’s findings on the online search queries of the millions of people who access online pornography. What makes the book’s conclusions both newsworthy and uniquely insightful is a combination of the sheer volume of the metrics used to collect the information and the fact that the results do not stem from individuals’ “self-reported” data. Think of this as a modern-day Kinsey report but better because. . .
If you ask people about their sex lives. . . they lie!
Whereas if you look at the data about the actual content they view you get a much more viable picture of reality.
The findings are based on a high volume of actions people take instead of statistically projecting outcomes based on what a sample of say they do. That’s a vital and gigantic difference that gives incredible credence to the findings.
Of the many fascinating discoveries in A Billion Wicked Thoughts is the difference between what kind of sexual content men consume versus women. And the authors, Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam (silly names!) connect the dots from online behavior all the way back to the places in the brain the content stimulates and what the neuro-biological effects are on our relationship dynamics.
Why do you care? Because if you understand how to feed her primal sexual needs, you can increase her self-esteem, feelings of worthiness and create a safe environment for her to really feel into her true desires without inhibitions.
Here’s a perfect example of the difference between men and women. The first part won’t surprise you. The data underscores what we already assume from experience.
Men like to look at a LOT of images of body parts. Specifically they like to see breasts, hips, butts and feet as well as feminine facial features. No surprise. What’s interesting is that men enjoy seeing high volumes of individual images of these parts, even without the rest of the body attached. Show them 100 pictures of boobs and they are excited, whereas women are not engaged by disembodied booties, no matter how luscious and plush. These signals of fertility are hard-wired into the desire center of men’s brains.
What Turns Women On?
Women, on the other hand, don’t care as much about the parts and prefer the emotional interaction between men and women.
Think “romance novel.”
Romance novels are a $Billion plus dollar a year business, as is porn.
“To put these numbers in perspective, about 100 million men in the United States and Canada accessed online porn in 2008 — just slightly more than the number of romance readers.”
Romance is female porn.
Women want to be desired. They want to feel sexually irresistible and adored. Those are the two fundamental psychological cues required by women to feel attraction. A quote by Swiss author, Madame de Staël sums up the pull between the male and female beautifully. . .
“The desire of the man is for the woman; the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man.”
So knucklehead, this means: Let her know you desire her!
Being desired is very arousing to a woman.
Apparently, the desire to be desired “appears to be a primal component of female sexuality, as basic as a man’s urge to chase and seduce.” The authors go on to explain that the need to feel irresistible is the reason women enter wet tee-shirt contests, go wild on spring break and text (sext) their lovers sexy pictures of themselves.
The second primal trigger is the desire to be adored. The classic story arc of a romance novel requires the hero to love the heroine for her unique and special qualities. He would be a rogue sea captain or busy doctor or a cowboy on the range if she wasn’t able to capture his heart with her remarkable set of attributes. It’s for these attributes that she wants to be loved. When you focus your appreciation on what is unique and special about her, she can truly BELIEVE that you adore her.
“There’s a fascinating parallel between what may be the greatest sexual self-delusion in men, and the greatest sexual self-delusion in women. Men are quite prone to believing they are inducing feelings of erotic ecstasy in their partner through their own sexual prowess. Women, on the other hand, are more easily manipulated by expressions of love.” — A Billion Wicked Thoughts
Finally, the authors made a list of all the emotional and psychological cues required to women may need to check off their list before they can truly give themselves over to their lust. How a man looks, including his height, his social standing, his personality match with hers, his level of commitment to her, how authentic he is emotionally to her (including his vulnerabilities), how confident he is, whether he wants a similar family orientation to his woman and what kind of family situation he comes from, his attitude toward children, his kindness and even his smell are all of vital importance to a woman’s decision to be sexual.
There are many cues you can share with a woman about this “laundry list” of her perfect man that will help her feel more comfortable in making love to you, because the more of these cues you satisfy, the more likely she is to want you.
Above all, success with a woman must be deeply entrenched in how you make her feel adored and irresistible. Remember those two primal sex triggers.
Again, there are always anomalies and we should assume that every man and women is the same.
I am a women aND I quickly got bored with romance novels…they are not graphic enough…so I started writing my own pornographic material…of the men that read it…well it speaks to their mind, they love what I write..it is very graphic and as one man put it it sounds like he is watching porn and lis tending to the dirty talk.
When I look at porn…I could care less about the dynamics…I just want to see close ups of the male’s penis pentrating the vagina, or rubbing along her vulva, or watching a man finger the women in as many different angles as you can get…I dont want to see their faces or the rest of their bodies….I do not want to watch disgusting anal sex…
I dont like watching oral sex in porn either man or women receiving…but I do like watching oral sex instruction in Susan Brattons Steamy Sex Ed.
The man I love and I are polar in this…and is also another reason why for the most part you can generalize.. but not everyone fits into the box.
For him he gets turned on by watching foreplay and he lives the dynamic between the man and the women..when he looks at porn he is usually disgusted and has gravitated toward porn site s for women who show more videos that give a story and dynamic.
Now the one area that I can say I am conventional is I do want to be pursued, chased, lusted after, desired, longEd for…I want to be the one doing the strip tease as my love tells me how sexy I am and how much I turn him on.
My point of sharing all this is It just annoys me when I read yet another “expert” trying to tell everyone that women are like this, men are like that..it really quell he’s pride aND acceptance for those of use who don’t fit into the cookie cutter mold!
With all that said I will say that i do agree it is pretty spot on with the general population.
There is just a few of us that only partially fit.
The fascinating thing about my guy and I is we have had a hard time in the dating world… largely due to we are compatible with each other sexually but we struggle with being compatible with others becasue we are both the opposite in the dichotomy..so it is good we found each other.
Thanks for sharing how you two are not the “norm.” Any advice from experts given is typically normative. But it is true and becoming more true now with access to porn that people are finding their turn ons and enjoying them more than when everyone did the vanilla stuff.
Chase and the Dr. Both of you are fantastic. I don’t know if any of you will return to this post to read this, I just wanted you to know that I agree with you both whole heartedly. It seems we are both analytical men. It’s even tougher as an analytical man. I’ve seen guys pull women saying the strangest things that I (and I would imagine others like me) are not capable of.
I’m strongly considering the sugar babe thing myself. I’ll be 35 and out of a masters program shortly. Was it all an online search?
The sugar dating thing is a worthy thought experiment. I learned a great deal about myself there. Many sapiosexual women of great beauty are sugar dating.
I need to feel cherished…and oh will he then be spoiled ROTTEN. (Thanks PLM!!)
I’ve recently met someone quite darling, introduced by friends…Time will tell. Hope springs eternal. Good luck, my friend.
Good luck, Christina. Hope it works out!
More catering to women, what else is new. Women are narcissitic and hypergamous by nature. Just once I would like to see and article on here where the truth of women is written. Read between the lines every article is written where the writers can’t help but take shots at Men.
Kevin – I think that the articles here do express the truth about women. This article in particular is based on research and data. Have you ready the book? It’s very informative and well researched. This article is merely a summary of that body of work.
I’m imagining you are quite wounded and skeptical to post such a comment about our company, Kevin. We are incredibly supportive of men’s sexuality and perspectives. There are no pot shots taken here at any gender.
i am of the belief a man can separate love, sex and intimacy…. am i just fooling myself…
Perplexed, I don’t think you are kidding yourself. Men can (sometimes) do that. The critical thing you may need to know is that women can’t, unless they are denying the heart. The sex center in the brain in in the middle of the emotionalcenter. In men it is not. It’s really that simple; plus the sex center in men is much larger than the sex center in women (in the brain I am talking about); and the emotional center in women is much bigger than that of men.
When you know these things, a lot of the problems we have relating make more sense. The only solution I see is for women to learn more about how men work, and men to learn more about how women work. This site does a great job to that end, I think. I wish you well.
I have read through many “dating experts” material and found it all to be a bunch of BS. With all the good advise out there, why are the divorce rated so high and many men are deciding not to marry or get involved with any woman? With the feminist movement and lack of morals these days have totally destroyed relationships between men and women. You have to basically mind f#$k a women to get her to date you. When people actually will get smart and look at the root of the problem, we would all be able to get into better, long lasting, and fulfilling relationships.
Chase’s observations are outstanding and state well the problem of dating what I call the age appropriate woman. Single men with adequate means should very much consider sugar dating. I have been sugar dating with woman from a sugar dating site and its been fantastic. Sugar dates are with far younger, open, very adventurous women. Just avoid the drama filled one. These women understand these are sexual relationships but are actually looking for a connection but not a relationship. Once there is a connection, the next step is a very hot evening together, and continuing if you want it to continue, which is my goal. I have grown very close to several of these SBs. From there if you are a good lover, they are in serious pursuit of you. Especially for non married guys (a lot of sugar babies are not comfortable dating married guys), sugar dating is fantastic. I employ the Personal Life Media techniques on the SBs indeed tell them I study these ways to please a woman. They are very interested. Very. And they love the application of these techniques. They are familiar with young guys who just want to get the guy’s satisfaction and sort of ignore the woman. Now with PLM approach, they have an older guy, far more skilled than the younger guys, who dote on the woman’s satisfaction and its far more satisfaction using the PLM techniques than any younger guy can deliver. At this point the SBs just can’t wait to make life fantastic for the SD. At the same time, I seek regular dates and a gf via Match and other dating sites. But the less adventurous and heavily self censored woman that Chase refers to now enters the picture. However, having several under 25 year old lovers now (myself being over 60) my equilibrium in pursuit is now excellent. I am not at all needy. I live in abundance of sexuality and as much sex and sexy fun as I can handle. Finding a date who is more age appropriate who might become a girlfriend is still my goal. But I can be less in a rush. This helps solve the problems Chase described. Finally I don’t have to take Chase’s first route. I can pursue them and not care if doesn’t work out. I have great lovers a text away.
The art of seduction is just that an Art. With this article it lends more knowledge on the female mind and her sexual desires. Women want heroes and is why they read their novels. If a guy can’t be her hero then he needs to move on because she won’t feel irrsistable and adored and you will not get laid. Words will get her aroused if they are the right ones. Learn from Cassanova and Don Juan. Good Luck
In a nutshell, the chief obstacle to making a sexual connection, is the difficulty involved in activating the correct romantic triggers in a strange, almost unknowable other, especially as women are generally so reserved, if not outright deceptive about their particular individual romantic requirements. This results in a situation for the male wherein he tries one approach, then another, without succeeding, since there is so much that is variable in female states of mind & physical conditions. Thus one is obliged to expend an immense amount of energy with many women in order to make a hit, more or less by chance, since in general, one doesn’t get but one chance with any one woman. Thus one has two choices: a) play the gentlemen, the nice guy in hopes of establishing a platonic non-stressed, non-needy relationship, with hopes of eventually learning enough about your friend to know when & how to inflame her; or b) just go straight out for sex by making it plain that it’s why you’re paying her attention in the first place. I suspect one’s chances of obtaining one’s goals, that is the chance of getting satisfaction involves an equivalent amount if effort. My own experience suggests that European women are less reserved, more obvious about their interest, than American women, but this is the challenge American men face.
Funny, I’d say the same about South American men compared to Americans. South Americans are passionate and no doubt they want sex, but they seem to be open and more interested in the entire person. American men have never held a candle. Perhaps lessons to learn on both sides. What do men like about the Europeans’ openness and why are they that way? How are they used to being treated by men? And what do American women value in South American (Or possibly European) men’s style? In some cases (but not all! ) SA men seem very interested in me, don’t push me, and build me up. I feel desirable as a person and women and respected. If he touches and talks to me right, we’re on!
What I want to know is how to trigger that in a woman you have just met or are just getting to know, so that you actually get to sex. So much has to happen. You have to get her number, get her to answer the phone, get her to meet with you, get her alone with you. I think I am very above average in my sexual abilities, but most women I meet will never find out because I either can’t get them alone with me, or I can’t get them horny if I am alone with them.
Oh Robert. If you can’t get them horny, then you aren’t as above average as you think in your sexual abilities. Because although women like good sex, they don’t seem interested in sex with you. Your question is good. What to do? You might have to make some changes. You seem very focused on having sex. The women you encounter may be picking up on this. Can you truly say you’ve connected conversationally with any of these women? Women’s sexual triggers are different than yours, so while you may be good at the act itself (mechanically, you think), you need to actually make a connection with her and get her attracted to you in a way that inspires female arousal, maybe including:
-a sense of safety with you
-slow touching/caressing (not reserved for those who are in love!)
-focusing on her adorable attributes, not just sexual (her interesting comments, cool sense of style, intelligently funny remarks…something you notice about her that is special that she would feel proud about because it matters to her)
-not sure if she’s into it? ASK CONFIDENTLY! “Is this okay right now” “Do you want me to slow down?” Or if you’re not there yet, a different approach:
“Talking to you is so nice. You are way more down to earth than the other girls I know…and your eyes are so pretty.” (Touch her arm and make eye contact. ) If sex is your objective and none of this seems genuine, it prob won’t work – sorry. In my experience there are some amazing men in the world who truly just love and appreciate women. They are confident in themselves and they treat women with adoration, pick who they want, and get what they want. They are not always the best looking guy in the room, but they reach women on a different level. Maybe you aren’t interested in that? Either way, good luck!
I understand that what my problem is is speaking it into existance.? Cand you help in this case.
thank you for that perspective; yet there still seems a disconnect for me because the women I desire the most seem to get uninterested, so I wonder if there is more to this; but thanks
Dear Susan, this article is THE most succinct and poignant article on male-female sexual attraction I’ve ever read. Well done,….and Thank You.
“Apparently, the desire to be desired “appears to be a primal component of female sexuality, as basic as a man’s urge to chase and seduce.”
“Women want to be desired.”
“So knucklehead, this means: Let her know you desire her!”
This is neither ground breaking, nor earth shaking. “PEOPLE” want to be desired by whom they desire, regardless of gender. Furthermore, women will chase and seduce whatever is their folly, just like men will. At the end of the day, we all want the same thing; to please and be pleased by our lover(s).
Jeff, you’re spot on and I agree with you.
Romance novels are 100% porn for women. My wife is addicted to them but yet I can’t get sex more than once a week if I’m lucky so apparently I don’t meet the two primal triggers..?? It’s such a f-in head game with women that us men have to go crazy to keep up; it’s frustrating.
Oh this type of comment makes me so tired! If she is reading something with great interest but shows an extreme lack of interest in your sex life (and you in general?) then my first thought is that she is missing something in her relationship with you! You recognized as much but still express your frustration and disdain with your partner’s needs. I’m sure she feels that and it doesn’t help the disconnect between you. Good start by recognizing that you might not be meeting her needs, but more mental adjustment is needed on your part. You can read a million articles like this one and get a million great ideas, like these, but to really get through to her you need to talk to her in a way that maybe you haven’t. Don’t be whiney or needy – approach her with your questions and observations – they are on target! But stop there. Let your objective be to truly understand and feel where she is coming from. Then act on that knowledge and the romance novels will slowly be put away in favor of real time with you. Don’t argue or prove her wrong or complain about head games. The characters in her romance novels don’t do that. They “get” her and accept her and then they get what they want because that’s how it works. Also and importantly, avoid projecting your sexual needs onto her. For example, I love oral sex but my bf pushes it when I am not ready or really turned on. It’s like he needs me to need him. And I don’t, because he’s so wrapped up in what that should look like that he can’t process what I like and want to become VERY sexual, as I have with other partners.Learn her without judgement. Our styles may be somewhat different but when we find a relationship where both people’s different needs are understood and respected, it is magical…an erotic romance novel! Good luck!
I fully concur with Duh-believe I honestly get it. However, it’s a constantly uphill battle, not just referring to complete intimacy, but rather the little expressions gratitude, love, desire, like a hug from behind that simply gets,” OK finished?”, or a tender kiss out of nowhere that gets “OK I’m good”…Over the last several years, I’ve tried ten ways form Sunday, covering all attitudes.If she is not open to it, for any reason (and I know all about the “mind on other things” story), nothing happens. At this point, what work about men has she done? What has she done to understand me? And this isn’t whining…it’s a two way street; if she worked to get a life partner, why not work to keep and please that partner? It’s apparently expected of men, why not of women as well?
You have to tell her how you feel. You must ask her to step up. Give her specifics of what you want from her and reward her when she makes progress.
Train her to be a better partner instead of settling for the scraps.
My Revive Her Drive program gives you many different things to try in the Four Steps to Revival of turning her into an affectionate lover.
There are three free resources on that page for you to grab for free.