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11 Conscious Communication Techniques For Couples

It’s one thing to “say” you’ll never fight with a friend, family member, or lover. It’s another to have that be your reality. Learn how to strengthen your relationship.

Chances are, the models you’ve had (movies, your parents) didn’t teach safe communication unless you dated a psychotherapist schooled in models of compassionate communication.

So here are a few of the most potent conscious communication tips collected by Carl Frankel, my friend and author of “Love and The Perfect Union.”

Carl says intentional communication protocols don’t come naturally, and we must practice them. It is the difference between litigation and mediation. Litigation is win-lose, while mediation is a win-win.

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Sexual Soulmates  ⇐ How Men And Women Can Co-Create An Authentic Sexual Soulmate Relationship That Knows No Bounds (Learn How To Strengthen Your Relationship)

30 Romance Tricks That Work Like Magic ⇐ For “Emotionally Constipated” Men Who Forget To Give Their Woman The Romance She Needs To Feel Close To Him

Passion Patch ⇐ The One Place To Touch A Woman To Ignite Passion In 30 Seconds Flat

HOW TO STRENGTHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Here is Carl’s collection of 11 conscious communication techniques he’s collected from masters of connection:

  1. Empathic listening. Shut up and walk a mile in their shoes.
  2. Mirror your partner’s words until they feel genuinely heard. Do you understand what they are saying? Repeat it back and see.
  3. Identifying the meanings attributed to your partner’s behavior as stories you’re telling yourself, not the objective truth about what’s going on. When we get into “This is what happened,” “No, this is what happened!” arguments, we’re litigating rather than meditating. Instead, leave the truth space open for everyone’s perspective.
  4. Non-violent communication. NVC is a category of communication created by Marshall Rosenberg which includes no attacking, no criticizing, no counter-complaining, and no non-dealing by responding to your partner’s story with a parallel story of your own (“That reminds me of when…“)
  5. Stay relational. Couples’ therapist Terry Real’s term means staying in a respectful relationship with your partner, even though your triggered self may want to shut them out or put them down. (Terry was an expert on my Sexual Vitality Summit where we discussed the 4 Obstacles to Emotional Intimacy.)
  6. The story I told myself. When Joe came home with the proverbial lipstick on his collar, the only truth his partner Mary felt was agitation. “When I saw the lipstick on your collar, the story I told myself was that you’d been fooling around with Denise.” This is a much more fair approach than, “You’ve been cheating on me!” Using “the story I told myself…” acknowledges the fear you feel from the conclusions you’ve drawn. It allows your partner to see what is upsetting you without being attacked.
  7. Undermine damaging programs through proactive positivism. Proactively activating kinder, gentler communication points you toward being appreciative and grateful. Let’s say your partner blurts out something irritable because the house is messier than she’d like. One option would be to counter, “Feeling bitchy, are we?” A better choice would be, “I appreciate you for how much you value having a clean house.”
  8. Reframe negative judgments positively. Try this simple exercise. The person formerly known as a coward becomes someone with “a strong instinct for self-preservation.” Your liar becomes someone with “a gift for narrative flexibility.” A judgemental bitch becomes a person with “powerful critical faculty.” You can laugh, but the overarching point is “accentuate the positive.” The more you appreciate your partner, the more your relationship appreciates and becomes valuable.
  9. Request a Do-Over. If your partner triggers you, request a do-over. AVON: Where are the light bulbs?
    BRETT: The same place they were when you asked me yesterday.
    AVON: Ouch! May I have a do-over, please?
    BRETT: Sure. They are in the hall closet. And by the way, you asked me that same question yesterday.
    AVON: Thank you. 
  10. The Dead-Stop and the Time-Out. The dead stop is an agreement between the partners that if one called for a dead stop, the other would immediately cease their behavior whether they believe the person’s request is merited. The dead stop is a request by the other partner to stop. The time-out is called by the person who needs to walk away. 
  11. Emotional Freedom Technique. EFT is often called “Tapping.” It’s a way to shift physical energy to calm anxiety and get a handle on the flight or fight response.
how to strengthen your relationship

Carl has designed Six Principles for a harmonious relationship that keeps improving, a life where fun is interspersed with episodes of profound, ecstatic connection.

If you like these conscious communication skills, you’ll appreciate Carl’s visual map to finding a balance between autonomy, connection, and equity in your love relationships.

Knowing how to fight pretty or NOT to fight at all goes a long way toward relationship bliss.

FOLLOW YOUR BLISS

If these ideas whet your appetite for more connection, grab all of these guides from my heart to yours:

Sexual Soulmate Pact ⇐ How Men And Women Can Co-Create An Authentic Sexual Soulmate Relationship That Knows No Bounds (Learn How To Strengthen Your Relationship)

30 Romance Tricks That Work Like Magic ⇐ For “Emotionally Constipated” Men Who Forget To Give Their Woman The Romance She Needs To Feel Close To Him

Passion Patch ⇐ The One Place To Touch A Woman To Ignite Passion In 30 Seconds Flat

Soulmate Secret Sauce ⇐ The REAL Secret To Deep Love, Pure Passion, And Total Dedication To Each Other (Game changer!)

Life is a work in progress. Keep going, sweetie! You’ll improve and create the joy and connection you desire and deserve.

15 Responses

  1. Absolutely divine; just what the doctor ordered, and, believe me, I am not being” narratively flexible” either.! gotta put the lessons to use immediately. Its what we owe each other, don’t we?

  2. I like Kirlian Energy Flow analyses to sense the energies flowing underneath the words. And between people ie male female. And between the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual layers.

    google kirlian then images

    Worth books of words visually showing more what is occuring.

  3. Women are masters of passive aggression. Instead of admitting they can be wrong in a woman-first society, they will retreat when they are losing. This way their partner can never win an argument, even though women have the right to browbeat a man for an eternity, because he’s not to respond violently (verbally). Western women deserve all the pain they receive.

  4. the TONE of voice – and inflection – has as much impact as the words themselves. I have a LOT of trouble with that. I carry far too much accusation and annoyance in my tone of voice- especially about the silliest things.

    I will have an interesting time turning negative words to positive without straying into “political correctness”. My wife and I are rather old school on that subject (probably because we both are old!) and react rather negatively to perceived political correctness of speech

  5. Thanks Susan! I too love “narrative flexibility” as the quality ascribed to the putative liar – hilarious! Will keep myself out there as well. Cheers, Mick

  6. I absolutely love the term used for the liar. A gift for narrative flexibility!! That’s genius ! I can’t wait to say what u have to say in a fluffy Posotive way!! So much better than “Liar.”

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