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Monogamish: Getting A Long And Successful Relationship

Have you heard this new term, “monogamish?” It means kind of, but not completely monogamous.


There is wiggle room to have exploratory sex with someone besides your spouse.

Over the last 10 years I’ve become much more aware of the prevalence of cheating.

And though you may believe we are monogamous creatures, many evolutionary biologist including the preeminent Dr. Helen Fisher explains that men and women today are serial monogamists (and serial cheaters – mostly in parallel) throughout our lives.

In younger generations, there is a move toward polyamory or open relationships.

Generally more people are having more sex with a greater number of lovers than ever before in recorded history. Much of this is due to mobile and Internet connectivity hooking up people more easily together.

The rules are being rewritten, whether you like them or not.

And contrary to the billion dollar sex advice industry, of which I am a part, giving your woman multiple orgasms is not going to prevent her from cheating on you.

Yes, a deeply intimate physical and emotional marriage is going to keep your lady close and connected to you. And less interested in getting her needs met by someone else.

But if there’s one thing you can do to cheat-proof your relationship, it’s HONESTY.

If your partner can share their deepest needs and fears, their truths about themselves, without fear of punishment, there’s nothing that cannot be worked through.

Plus the level of attention you give to your partner when you’re honest about everything together is the kind of “presence” that keeps a woman from finding emotional connection elsewhere.

If sexual desire for another person comes up, it can be dealt with in whatever way works for the two of you.

Hiding in the dark, “don’t ask, don’t tell” – these are recipes for betrayal and heartbreak.

If you are a turned on woman, you have a healthy libido. That desire is going to come out for other people. Sexual attraction of sexually active humans is not only natural, it’s life affirming.

Instead of tamping down desires, bring them to light, put them out on the table as a couple and talk about it.

Take life on from a position of emotional intimacy, connection and honesty. Look your partner in the eyes daily. Hold and hug your lover. Stay close and talk it out. That’s how you cheat proof your relationship.

And remember, desire for others is a natural tendency. And you are in charge of your own genitals, not your spouse. You each support each other in life, trying to give your partner the most abundant, amazing life experiences possible.

When you take on the responsibility of your partner’s happiness and sexual satisfaction and they do the same for you, you two can work through anything that comes up.

So start on the path of truly sharing your deepest feelings and thoughts, even if they are not “politically correct.”

And watch how juicy your relationship gets when you introduce honesty instead of just blindly following someone else’s plan for your life.

Stand for yourself.

This is the key to a long, successful relationship. Where each person stands for themselves inside the container of a loving, affectionate and accepting relationship.

It’s your life. Let your freak flag fly. Enjoy the ride. Slurp up the nectar.

Here are more articles on the subject of “Monogamish” from the NY Times, Time Magazine and Personal Life Media:

A full 94% of respondents would rather never marry than end up with a person they knew would cheat and 82% of them have “zero tolerance” for infidelity. Yet 81% of people admitted they’d cheat if they knew there wouldn’t be any consequences and 42% of the survey takers, in equal parts men and women, admitted to already having cheated.

Read the full Time Magazine article.

In 2001, The Journal of Family Psychology summarized earlier research, finding that “infidelity occurs in a reliable minority of American marriages.” Estimates that “between 20 and 25 percent of all Americans will have sex with someone other than their spouse while they are married” are conservative, the authors wrote.

In 2010, NORC, a research center at the University of Chicago, found that, among those who had ever been married, 14 percent of women and 20 percent of men admitted to affairs.”

Read the full Psychology Today article.

Though you may believe we are monogamous, many evolutionary biologist including the preeminent Dr. Helen Fisher explains that men and women today are serial monogamists (and serial cheaters – mostly in parallel) throughout our lives. Rich men throughout history have had a wife and lover(s) on the side. This is more common for women in the 21st century as well. A man who divorces and remarries multiple times is the equivalent of a latter day polygynist. The authors also state, “whether married or not, wealthier men in the US and Canada have more sex partners and have sex more frequently than less wealthy men.” The authors go on to explain that more frequent sex for wealthy men is not because wealthy men can afford prostitutes. Actually more women seek rich men out for sex.

Read the full Personal Life Media article.

3 Responses

  1. Susan,
    I have a question. My fiance for 18yrs now. It started when he began to have prostate issues. Our sex life was great I don’t mind trying new things But I found him going to sex and dating sights and having a secret e-mail. I also saw him talking to video-chatting someone and exchanging nude photos. I told him I couldn’t live like this. He said he wanted space and was going to leave. But changed his mind and said he only wants me and wants to try again. Well, I know him so well that I know he is doing it again. I don’t know what to do.I love him very much. I have asked him to talk and share things with me. Nancy

    1. Don’t be a selfish prick. My ex was unhappy with the sex in our relationship, which was my fault, due to sustaining a brain injury, I am no longer interested. We, fortunately for him, belonged to a dance club, where a lot of the women were single and looking for a partner. When one realized he and I were having problems, she zeroed in on him. As soon as they had “done the deed” he left me. if she had not made herself available at a time when he wanted sex, we might have sorted out our problems, and I would not be alone, whilst SHE has a perfect man. If a man finds a willing sexual partner who is half way to “alright” and his wife is not really interested, he WILL leave. Your wife does not deserve that. Talk this through with her.

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