Get all the information you need about sexual contracts, agreements and boundary setting which make your sex life more relaxing and fulfilling. . .
First, a little story.
Once at a Tantric lovemaking workshop my man and I participated in a delightful exercise together where we sat cross legged, face to face and touched our palms together and raised our arms in a circle around ourselves to create a “sacred container of love.” Then we threw out things from inside the love bubble and called in things we wanted to be present in our lovemaking that day. It was a sweet way to connect, get on the same page and check in with each other about our desires and fears of the day.
What did we put in and take out?
We put in love, appreciation, willingness to be present with each other, spaciousness and time to enjoy a leisurely life moment.
We took out concerns about body issues (mine), time pressures, and any agenda.
Then we gave each other a gift. I gave him the gift of my willingness to try something new of his choosing.
And he gave me a magic mirror so that I could see clearly how beautiful I was to him. That was a touching moment I never forgot.
That workshop exercise was the start of our ability to share our boundaries and desires without reserve. This exploded our intimacy to a whole new level.
Communicating your needs.
One of the best ways to increase your comfort about your sex life and cultivate more turn on is to have an honest line of communication with your lover. With practice it not only gets easier, the honesty and boundaries make sex hotter. Being able to convey how you are feeling any given day about your sexual desires, as well as any boundaries you need to establish, allows both partners to relax and enjoy within the confines of those needs each time you are intimate.
Because of women’s hormonal fluctuations, their desires can be wide ranging. One day she might want to be cuddled, the next to sashay around in lingerie and high heels and the day she might beg for a good pounding (only after you engorge her!). Outside influences affect men’s libido as well, one day more tired, another hornier. . .
When you make your appetites known each time you are intimate, the variations in what you hunger for provide a boost of variety that keeps your lovemaking more exciting anyway. Too often we feel embarrassed to ask for what we need, though it becomes easy and fun with practice.
Open yourself to more pleasure by communicating your boundaries with your lover.
If you don’t tell him what you’re in the mood for, how can he pleasure you fully? Each time you are considering getting intimate, pause for a moment and think about what might give you the most pleasure. Are your breasts aching to be touched? Do you want to just lie there and get a good Expanded Orgasm massage without committing to having intercourse? Do you need some snuggles and hugs? Are you sore someplace? Do you want to call your girlfriend for a sexy threesome? Where are you? What is your pleasure? What are your boundaries?
Reduce your guilt and have more fun when you create agreements before making love. If you’re really not in the mood and you let your partner know, perhaps you can snuggle up and watch TV together while you take turns giving each other massages of any parts you most want touched?
There’s a certain freedom in establishing your desires and boundaries at the onset of a lovemaking session. Here are some examples:
Her: I’m having my period. Could you keep your hands on the outside tonight and can we forego intercourse? Let’s just have a make out massage.
Him: I don’t make love to anyone without a condom.
Her: Please don’t mess up my hair and make up because I have to go right to a meeting after this.
Him: I’m dating a few women and since you and I haven’t gotten our STD testing paperwork done for each other yet, we can have as many orgasms as we want as long as we don’t put our mouths on each other’s genitals nor touch our genitals together. You can touch me anywhere and I can touch you anywhere and we can orgasm as much as we’d like through manual stimulation.
Sometimes figuring out how hot you can make a situation with distinct boundaries like this can be highly erotic. Imagine doing a 69 position with hands only, no mouths? There’s plenty of sensation to be had while keeping yourselves protected and honoring your commitments to yourself and other lovers.
A “Sexual Contract” may be in order if you want to date multiple partners.
The above are good examples of boundaries. Depending on whether you are in a monogamous relationship or you have multiple lovers can also predicate going further than sharing boundaries and desires. You may need a Sexual Contract or Sexual Agreement. Sexual Contracts can be verbal or written. There are downloadable .pdf’s on the Internet for contracts for “Fvck Buddies,” “Friends With Benefits,” and for the uber-organized, a “Pre-Booty Call” agreement. Some contracts are for BDSM or Power Play (Master/slave) relationships. Others are for partners who have polyamorous or open relationships. The most important part is coming to an agreement that honor’s both parties wishes, even though they differ.
Your wishes will differ and evolve.
An agreement serves to create an understanding of both or all individuals’ boundaries and desires. It’s rare that two people share the same list of wants, needs and off-limits activities. That’s why, whether you get something down on paper or you at least talk it through, you must air everyone’s issues. Further, any contract you draft, either verbal or written, is ephemeral. As we mature, our tastes changes, our needs get met and new desires crop up, when we tune into ourselves, we find that we want different rules as we go. Staying fluid about what each lover needs on a daily basis helps us give our partner the kind of pleasure they want in the moment. Write everything in sand and check in frequently to make sure what ever agreements you create still serve you as a couple or group.
Just like you want cuddles today and wild sex tomorrow or you want to pursue that lover now but in a month you move on, leave the latitude to speak your desires to your closest loved ones in every moment.
Your tastes and desires ebb and flow with your energy and what’s happening in your life. Being comfortable enough to share your ever-changing needs with your lover(s) will allow your sex life to blossom and prevent misunderstandings.
Please post below if you have any questions or comments.
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