“It seems like nothing I do (and at least some of what I do should be working…I really think I’m doing it right) gives her that physical turn-on that comes with engorgement.” — Harry
Harry writes in that his wife doesn’t seem to feel the same level of sensation in her vulva that he feels in his penis when it’s erect, even after he’s engorged her.
Engorgement is when erectile tissue in your genitals fills with blood, becomes turgid, swollen, tumescent, and erect. These are all various words to describe engorgement. Every woman has as much erectile tissue in their genitals as a man does in his penis. And there is erectile tissue throughout your body including your mouth, tongue, throat, nose, nipples and more.
What should Harry do? What’s going on?
The three areas to consider when you are guiding your partner toward more sensation and pleasure are:
- Awakening her neural pathways to sensation
- Overcoming her shame, fear or lack of knowledge
- Turn on is in her mind and her genitals
Awakening her neural pathways to sensation
If your lady is not getting turned on from what you are doing to engorge her vulva, it’s likely that unless she has a significant mental resistance to sex from past abuse, religious oppression or cultural or familial shame, you are not actually getting her engorged.
An engorged vulva looks puffy and plump. Look at her vulva before you touch, stroke, fondle, knead and massage it. Then watch as her tissue transforms. You will see her clitoris pop out (most women, not all), her labia enlarge, her tissue darken from pink to purple. The signs of engorgement are clear once you see the “before and after” a few times.
Engorgement is a process. Not only does a woman need to be engorged each time you make love, every day is different. Hormones, stress, how safe she feels and other factors determine how quickly her tissues engorge.
Moreover, as you learn to engorge her over time, she will begin to feel more and more sensation.
The first few months you begin truly engorging a woman, you’re still setting down new neural pathways from her genitals to her brain so she can process the sensation. Over the years, she will become more aware of all the various parts of her anatomy and will feel ever more delicate and wonderful sensations.
If you’ve ever heard the term, “awakening her G-Spot” that’s what it means. Many times a woman’s vaginal canal feels almost numb. But with time, attention and engorgement, she will begin to feel more and it will feel better and better to her. You are awakening her vulva with the strokes and touches that cause her erectile tissue to engorge.
Overcoming her shame, fear or lack of knowledge
Sometimes she’s disconnected from her “privates.” Many women don’t look at their vulvas with a mirror or even touch themselves “down there.” Some women self-pleasure, but only topically, never exploring inside themselves.
A simple anatomy lesson helps a woman connect the various parts of her vulva with what she feels when they are touched. Have her hold a mirror and watch you stroke various parts. Tell her, I’m stroking your clitoris. I’m doing circles around it. I’m brushing the pad of my fingertips over your clitoral hood. I’m kneading your labia majora. This is your fourchette. I’m running my fingers along the outer edge of your inner labia. It looks like a butterfly. Now I’m touching your urethra. Now my finger is inside you. This is your G-Area. This is the left wall, the right wall, the bottom of your vagina.
Always use lubrication – I recommend avocado oil from Hobe. Hobe Avocado Oil is cosmetic grade, GMO-free, cold pressed 100% pure (no cheap oil fillers) and uses Vitamin E Oil as a preservative. The Vitamin E Oil is made of synthetic alpha tocopherol and is infused with Safflower and Lemon oil. It is known for it’s excellent anti-oxidant property which slows down natural rancidity in oils and you do not need to refrigerate Hobe Avocado Oil. Try not to use lubes that are made from chemicals. Coconut, grape seed, avocado… these are all natural oils that you can wipe right off that leave no chemical taste.
Turn on is in her mind and her genitals
A woman can be wet with her own internal lubrication and still not be aroused or turned on. So she can also be engorged and not feel “horny.” Sexological neuroscientists believe that vaginal lubrication occurs as an evolutionary biological protection from uninvited intercourse. Just because she’s wet doesn’t mean she wants to have sex. And lubrication is also prone to the vagaries of hormonal fluctuations.
Further, her arousal is tied to her vagal nerve, which sends emotional signals to her brain. If she doesn’t feel intimate and connected with you, if she feels that sex is bad or dirty, her mind will shut down any sensation you might be working hard to create.
Leading a woman with your words, talking her through engorgement, telling her how much you love her and that you adore her and find her sexually irresistible will break down those barriers to her pleasure. You may have to tell her a thousand times, but someday she will finally believe you. Don’t give up.
The best way to engorge your woman during a sensual date with her is to learn the Expanded Orgasm technique together. Dr. Patti has broken down the learning into 21 fun “sandbox dates” a couple can do together. An Expanded Orgasm practice will keep you connected throughout the rest of your lives together and will continue to expand her sensation and orgasmic ability. Having 1-3 dates each week where you have a DO Date (deliberate orgasm date) will keep her genitals supple, prevent atrophy, increase her ability to feel more and more sensation and train her body to be incredibly multi-orgasmic.
The man who knows how to come his woman with Expanded Orgasms is the man who receives a lifetime of hot sex that keeps getting better.