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Why Your Boundaries Get Violated

When you fake it, the people who love you do not love YOU. They love “fake you.” And that fuels your unworthiness.

Trust me; you’re faking it.

Here’s some advice from the far side of a long relationship that I think will immediately help you in your life.

Thirty-one years ago, I met my husband, Tim. We have been up and down in our relationship many times through struggles. We pride ourselves on being honest with each other to overcome whatever happens to us. It’s one of our shared “relationship values.”

However, recently we realized there was a big hole in our supposed honesty. 

Uh oh. This caused us a LOT of pain that made us even consider staying together.

REKINDLING OUR RELATIONSHIP FOR 31 YEARS 

There’s the honesty you leverage to tell your partner the truth. Then there is the honesty you have with yourself. And there are sacrifices you make to think you are being kind that turn around and bite you in the butt.

Being honest with your partner is a practice that gets easy quickly when you commit to it. The hardest part is unlearning our cultural expectations to “not say the thing that is socially inappropriate.” When you tell your truth, it often flies in the face of convention.

When you’ve agreed to tell the truth, convention stops serving you, and honesty is an improvement.

Often the realization that you are sometimes selfish, greedy, insecure, or any of the other negative expressions of your personality is what makes your being honest the most difficult.

You get over this with practice as you experience your humanity and that of your partner. If you’re both striving to be better people, being honest about your imperfections transmutes from embarrassment to personal growth.

Where it gets tricky — and what brought Tim and me to our knees this year — was that sneaky problem of sacrificing our own needs for those of our partner.

Tim was doing things I asked (even though he didn’t want to) and secretly resenting me.

I was not telling him when he was doing things that upset me and then secretly being angry with him for it.

Dummies! We are so dumb! This does not work.

We were doing what is called “letting our boundaries be breached.”

When I asked Tim to do something like go with me to a conference, he went. But he didn’t want to go. And then he was grumpy inside but pretended he was fine. 

Recently he said, “I don’t want to go to that. I am not interested, and it’s boring to me. I would rather stay home.”

A breakthrough! 

He stood for what he wanted. He held his boundaries. He spoke his truth (and I had a fantastic time without him, knowing he was happy and I was pleased.) And his resentment went away.

I was doing the same thing… letting my boundaries be breached. 

Tim had a friend I didn’t like. When this friend came over, I was kind. I cooked them dinner. I was a gracious hostess. But inside, I was simmering with anger and resentment.

Tim didn’t even know I didn’t want that person around me.

I was sacrificing my happiness for his happiness.

But that always backfires. 

The lesson today is that when you are doing things to make another person happy that secretly make you miserable, you must speak up.

This is one of those codependent behaviors rooted in insecurity. The core wound is, “I’m not lovable enough.” So you sacrifice your happiness thinking you’re making your partner, friend, boss, or family happy so they will love you more.

In reality, you will be more loved when you are who you are and speak up and honor your boundaries. That is your true self. That is the self that the people in your life can love.

When you fake it, the people who love you do not love YOU. They love “fake you.” And that fuels your unworthiness.

When you are loved for who you are, including your boundaries, you allow yourself to be seen and truly loved.

Start paying more attention when you are faking it. Speak up. Hold your boundaries better. 

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