Has it been a while since you’ve been intimate with someone? You’re not alone. Many women have been holding back for a worthy lover. If you’ve found someone but are nervous, it’s perfectly normal to have some performance anxiety. You might be worried about your responsiveness, ability to achieve climax, and even if penetration might be overwhelming or painful, especially in perimenopause or beyond.
Here are two mind and body strategies for getting yourself ready, excited, and confident about making love… Even if it’s been so long, you’re wondering if there are cobwebs down there.
How To Get The Cobwebs Out
The first thing you want to do is get your body’s sexual systems back online. Lubrication, vaginal elasticity, and orgasmic response can be improved by using a vibrator. The best type of vibrator for kickstarting your sexual pleasure response is one that has dual motors for simultaneous internal and external stimulation.
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Both Miss Bi and Lady Bi have a vibrating penis-shaped piece inside your vagina, with the other half being a big pad that goes on the outside to stimulate your clitoral tip, shaft, and external G-Spot area. You get internal and external stimulation at the same time. The only difference between Miss Bi and Lady Bi is the size of the part that goes inside you. Some women like the smaller Miss Bi, while others like the larger, more filling Lady Bi.
Our vaginas also rely on blood flow to get us wet with self-lubrication. The more often we use the Lady Bi or Miss Bi internally, the more we can get that tissue flowing with vaginal lubrication. You can rest it or slide it into your vagina as you like. The more frequent your solo pleasure, the more you will be able to achieve orgasm effortlessly. Vibrators help you orgasm more reliably, even with a partner instead of a toy. Orgasms are a transferable skill. Once you teach yourself to orgasm with a vibrator, you can expand your orgasmic abilities to partner stimulation with more confidence.
If you’ve lost your orgasmic intensity and are still having trouble achieving orgasm with a vibrator, you can
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Adding more leafy greens and beets into your diet also improves blood flow to your genitals—the veggies fuel your body’s nitric oxide production. High nitric oxide levels mean more blood flows to your erectile tissue and vaginal mucosal lining to increase pleasure and lubrication. By the time you’re 50, you have half the nitric oxide production you did in your 20s. When women think their hormones lower their libido, it’s often just a loss of blood flow to the pelvis. Supplementing with a nitric oxide booster is sometimes all the fix a woman needs to restore her lubrication, making her feel more turned on. Choose FLOW, my citrulline-based nitric oxide booster made from organic fruits and vegetables for maximum benefit, and take it at night and before lovemaking for optimal flow.
Between the FLOW supplement, the regenerative treatments such as GAINSWave For Her and the O Shot, and as frequent use as possible of the internal/external vibrator will have your lady parts ready for a hot date. Now let’s deal with the other piece, your mindset.
How To Avoid Performance Anxiety
As an intimacy expert, I hear the word performance anxiety most often concerning men’s sexuality. But women have as much performance anxiety as their male-bodied counterparts. It’s not visually apparent because we don’t have to maintain an erection during sex. However, now you know that our erectile tissue health is as vital as men’s. We have as much tissue as they do, but it’s inside rather than on display.
Just because we don’t have an “outie” erection that is a barometer of our nervousness, we get just as worried about having sex with a new person as our partner. Anxiety is a sidecar to excitement. We want to be “great in bed.” We want to be able to orgasm with a lover. We want to satisfy and be satisfied.
Once you know your body can achieve orgasm through solo pleasuring, you can feel confident about your ability to come. Then it’s just letting her do what she knows how to do. You get out of your way by getting out of your head and into your body. Sex is a mindfulness practice too. Your estrogen is a worrywart hormone. Meant to keep you safe, estrogen is your mind’s warning system. But once you trust your partner, you need to dial down the volume on the estrogen’s constant call-outs. Each time a thought bubbles up, push it away and return to connection and sensation with your partner. The more you do this, the easier it is to stay present.
What lovers want most is “presence” during sex. When you are locked in an upward pleasure spiral, you can’t tell where your pleasure starts and their pleasure ends. Anxiety appears when you’re worrying about the past or “catastrophizing” the future. Stay in the moment, connected in your hearts, and stress will recede as the pleasure builds.
One of the best tricks in a sex therapist’s tool kit is “sensate focus.” Sensual pleasure is also one of the five pillars of passion. When you focus on the physical feelings, you co-create and allow yourself to bask in that pleasure. Your orgasms can bubble up from inside you and come out. All your orgasms are already inside you now. Keeping your sexual function in good working order, giving yourself orgasms to expand your orgasmic capacity, and staying connected in heart and sensation will allow you to get on that upward pleasure spiral for the best sex of your life.
Relax. You got this. Your body’s wisdom will support you.
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FLOW, my citrulline-based nitric oxide booster
