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Fake It ‘Til You Make It

Is faking orgasm a wonderful or horrible idea?

Most women have faked orgasms. And many men have too. We are social creatures who want to make others happy. There is an expectation that we should orgasm during sex. And I want everyone to have lots of orgasms both in solo and partnered pleasuring.

Greetings, Dear One!

How are you doing this week? I’m good, and I had something come up that I wanted to talk to you about.


Recently, I was on a podcast where the host asked me my opinion about, “Fake It ’Till You Make It.” I thought, “THAT is such a good question!” So I wanted to give you my opinion on it.

My simple answer is no, never ever fake having an orgasm with a partner. Have you heard the term, “death by paper cuts?” One paper cut doesn’t kill you, but each time you cut yourself — as in fake an orgasm — you are taking a little bit of your own life. Soon the cuts make you bleed to death. In this case we are talking about the death of your sex life.

Here are all the reasons and my theory why faking orgasms actually does your relationship a disservice, impedes your ability to have better orgasms, and pushes you further away from the orgasmic ecstasy that is every person’s birthright.

Orgasms are a learnable skill. If you fake it instead of trying to feel what feels good, you are robbing yourself of inevitably achieving the experience. That means, over time, you will want less and less sex. Sex without orgasms is just not that satisfying. So if you are not willing to do what it takes to achieve orgasm for yourself, do it for your partner. 

How can your partner do a good job with bad information? You’ll never get good in bed together if they think you are satisfied. But I know, sometimes you just want to get it over with and you don’t want to make your partner feel bad. 

That is because you are equating your orgasm with performance. Having one is good. Not having one is bad. You might upset them so it’s better just to fake it. Then you have less of their emotion to process.

Men feel like if their woman isn’t coming, they are doing something wrong. They feel like they are losing. They like to win. They want to give a woman an orgasm. So they take it personally, like they are a failure and you are a failure. Then the sex date goes sideways and everyone is feeling bad.

It’s easy to fake and avoid these bad feelings, but how can you and your partner learn if you can’t be honest about your body’s responses? A woman’s body is different day to day because she’s on a cycle with the moon. She needs different kinds of stimulation each time she makes love. And she doesn’t know what it is until she’s in the moment. So allowing her to “report in from her body” what it’s telling her without any blame on either party is the kind of communication that frees her up to make requests without fear that she’s going to upset the moment.

In my free technique, the Sexual Soulmate Pact, I explain the agreement couples can have that makes space for helpful guidance during sex without fear of hurting anyone’s feelings. 

If you’re a man in relationship with a woman — and even if you believe you are open to feedback during sex — it’s imperative that you create this agreement with your lovers. Women are afraid of speaking their needs to men. We need our men to encourage us to give words to the feelings in our bodies. Using the Sexual Soulmate Pact is true masculine sexual leadership at its very, very best. This is the single most powerful sex technique you can use. 

Remember, if you’re a man, you are overestimating your skill level. It’s an artifact of being testosterone-dominant. It makes you more certain and confident than women, who are estrogen-dominant. Estrogen makes women worry more. We need more encouragement… Especially around speaking up for our own needs during sex. So please, do your lover a favor and grab the Sexual Soulmate Pact and understand the two-word phrase you can say that explodes passionate lovemaking.

Because women say, “I don’t know what I want, I just know what I’m getting isn’t helping me achieve orgasm.” But truly, your body knows. You have intuitive body wisdom that is speaking to you all the time. You need to listen to her and feel comfortable giving her words your lover can hear so they can adjust to what she needs in the moment. 

So instead of giving up and faking it, instead of pretending to come, think about what could feel better for you in this moment. What is not right? Are you tired and want to be done? Does what is happening not feel good? Do you need to take a break and reset? Do you need more emotional connection? Less friction? More stimulation? More kissing? More breast play? More words of encouragement? More dirty or sensual talk? The addition of a vibrator to get you over the hump? 

Here is a series of videos I did to help women orgasm from intercourse.

And it’s best to practice orgasming from solo pleasure first. Try the four kinds of vibrators to help yourself cross train orgasmically.

I’m empowering you to ask for what you need. You don’t owe your partner their orgasm. You don’t need to “take one for the team.” 

It’s not your partner’s job to give you the orgasms, it’s your job to allow them to come out. All your orgasms are inside you now, waiting to bubble up out of you like a wellspring. Which means you have to bring your desire, focus on the pleasure, ask for the stimulation you need, get out of your head, relax, breathe, connect, and slow down.

Let go of the limiting beliefs you hold about your ability to orgasm and know that you can and will. Give yourself the time and space you need to get aroused. Women are slow to arouse compared to men. Listen to your body’s schedule and let her have what she needs to surrender to that exquisite pleasure of passionate lovemaking.

Allow yourselves to be vulnerable. Fight together for the greater good of mutually assured orgasmic ecstasy. You’re in this together. And I’m right here by your side.

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