“Will using my vibrator mean I can’t come without it? [Mailbag]

All women can have amazing orgasms. They are “learned” skills.

However, not everyone can ease into it smoothly as others.

I received an email from a reader about her struggles with achieving peak pleasure.

Touch and toys are essential. Check out her email and my response below.

“Hello, Susan,

I have recently started following you! I’m going through significant healing, and my husband is doing a lot of g spot/vulva massage to help me heal from a lifetime of sexual abuse from my Dad.

I can ejaculate but have never orgasmed unless I add a vibrator to my clit. I’m concerned that I won’t learn to orgasm without it if I use it. But I go for three months without using it and without orgasm.

Would you suggest I add the vibrator back in?

Thank you for any suggestions you may give me. I’m so glad I can now follow you! I want to heal from my past so badly. Fifty years! Beyond happily married. But I need help.” — Michele (not her real name).

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HEALING IDEAS

Dearest Michele,

So glad you are having your husband spend a lot of time loving your vulva and giving you beautiful massages. The more you receive nurturing, healing, and sensual touch, the more your body will feel safe to allow your orgasms to come up from inside you.

And the more you have vulvar pleasure, the more you activate your neural pathways to build sensitivity to all kinds of stimulation. This will lead you closer to orgasm on your own without using vibrators. However, vibrators will accelerate your goal of orgasm without a toy.

My journey from sexually traumatized to massively orgasmic included vulva-healing, g-spot release, and using several toys to improve my orgasmic response and satisfaction. I’ve never been more easily orgasmic. I’ve never used more toys with more pleasure. And I find that my vulva is becoming more exquisitely sensitive internally and externally. Even with all the toys I test and use, my sensitivity and pleasure are off the charts. I can respond to a lighter touch, and everything feels orgasmic.

Don’t give up! You are so close, girl! I promise!

Using contact and toys together will help you increase your overall orgasmic response and get orgasmic faster. The more orgasms you have, the more quickly you’ll orgasm from any stimulation. Sex toys improve your pleasure; they don’t make you dependent or affect your body’s natural response. Different toys stimulate different parts. And there are many kinds of toys for a direct clitoral orgasm that provide varied types of stimulation. One might be better for you at first than another.

I suggest you get a couple of different kinds of toys to increase your orgasmic response and have your partner use them on you as well as use them yourself during solo pleasuring. I call this “orgasmic cross-training.” Once you get one making you come, then the next, then the next, your body will start orgasming much more easily. I gathered up all my recommendations and made this picture for you.

ORGASMIC CROSS-TRAINING

My #1 sex toy recommendation is the Lady Bi and Miss Bi (The Miss is shorter but has the same excellent concept). This tool stimulates the clitoral glans and arms and inside the vagina, activating that internal system so you can come from intercourse. Since you’re in a heterosexual relationship with a penis owner, learning how to come from penetration will serve you both well over the years.

If you only use a clitoral vibe, you are not engaging all of the vulvar tissue, and achieving orgasm alone will take longer.

The second toy in your pleasure chest should be the new VIM wand. No toy offers more powerful stimulation. Rubbing it on your mons, outer labia, and clitoral hood will flow blood throughout your external vulva, plumping up the clitoral legs and arms. Engorging the whole clitoral structure sends MORE pleasure signals to your brain… your biggest sex organ. The new VIM from Fun Factory is more sculptural, easier to hold, has five speeds and three patterns, and is a fabulous newcomer on the market to replace the old wand your Mom used.

The following toy is the Womanizer. I like the new Eco, made from sustainable materials. This toy offers air stimulation rather than vibration. It sucks your clitoris for you. OMG, so good! And after my O Shots or Orgasm Shots improve my clitoral sensation, this sends me to the moon.