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Secure vs. Insecure

Are you (or your partner) one of the 50% of Americans with an “insecure attachment style?”

Attachment bonding is a growing category of psychology. Attachment bonding is getting so much attention because it explains A LOT about our behavior — both generally and emotionally.

How you have been parented shapes how you mature and attach to your partners or mates in the future.

Look at the list below of 17 ways being a poorly attached child impacts one’s intimate life. Perhaps you may see a little bit of yourself or your partner reflected in this list. If so, it may explain a LOT of confusing behaviors.

Dr. Emily Nagoski, author of “Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life,” explains, “About half of people in the United States develop secure attachment styles and half develop insecure attachment styles. Attachment style isn’t affected by gender — men and women are equally likely to be secure, avoidant, or anxious.”

She goes on to list some of the effects of insecure attachment-style parenting that affect people emotionally: (you may begin to see traits of your own, your current or past lovers in this list)

  • More negative emotions about intimacy 
  • Less frequent desire for affection
  • Lower levels of arousal 
  • Not as facile at giving and receiving love and warmth 
  • They enjoy intimacy less
  • Are less self-confident
  • Have anxiety-driven experiences
  • More likely to experience pain and health risks
  • Less likely to use protection and safe sex methods 
  • More likely to use alcohol or other drugs
  • Have higher STIs and unwanted pregnancies
  • Are more likely to be involved on either side of a coercive relationship
  • Engage in intimacy and relationships later in life
  • Have fewer non-intimate behaviors
  • More positive attitudes about intimacy outside committed relationships
  • Have more failed relationships
  • Are more likely to engage in sexual experiences to fit into a social expectation, instead of just because they want to

If you or your partner fits this description, look on the bright side. 

You can get over this lack of attachment parenting and go on to have more positive feelings of well-being. Just knowing that your attachment deficit is “a thing” lets you move toward resolving unmet needs for bonding so you can get to the point where you feel safe, secure, and loved.

Now you can let go of blaming your parents if they weren’t there for you, and you’re in the 50% of not-well-attached adults. They did the best they could with what they had. 

In the 21st century, we practice compassion, not blame or bitterness. Forgive them, forget the bonding you missed as a child, and look forward… learn how to ask for and receive the love you need, heal yourself, parent yourself, and attach yourself healthily.

I know, easier said than done. 

That’s why I try to help. I read and respond to emails. I give advice. I work hard to provide you with new ideas to achieve the relationship and intimate life you’ve always wanted. 

Don’t give up on yourself. 

Susan and Tim

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