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Secure vs. Insecure

These trying times generate a lot of feelings of insecurity. As a woman, I ask my man to hold me every night and comfort me.

Even though I was loved as a child, my parents were practically children themselves. In some ways, I had to raise myself, and even parent them at times.

This is very common. If you have the same history, know that it’s very normal. Your parents did the best they could do. And you (or your lover) may be one of the 50% of Americans who have an “insecure sexual attachment style.”

Attachment bonding is a growing category of psychology. The reason why attachment bonding is getting so much attention is that it explains A LOT about our behavior — both generally and SEXUALLY.

How you have been parented shapes how you mature and attach to your lovers or mates in the future.

Look at the list below of how 17 different ways being a poorly attached child impacts one’s sex life. Perhaps you may see a little bit of yourself or your sexual partner reflected in this list? If so, it may explain a LOT of confusing behaviors.

Dr. Emily Nagoski, author of “Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life,” explains, “About half of people in the United States develop secure attachment styles and half develop insecure attachment styles. Attachment style isn’t affected by gender — men and women are equally likely to be secure, avoidant, or anxious.”

She goes on to list some of the effects of insecure attachment-style parenting that affect people sexually: (you may begin to see traits of your own, your current or past lovers in this list)

  • More negative emotions about sex
  • Less frequent sexual desire
  • Lower levels of arousal and orgasm
  • Not as facile at giving and receiving pleasure
  • They enjoy sex less
  • Are less sexually self-confident
  • Have anxiety-driven sexual experiences
  • More likely to experience pain with sex and health risks
  • Less likely to use condoms
  • More likely to use alcohol or other drugs before sex
  • Have higher STIs and unwanted pregnancies
  • Are more likely to be involved on either side of a coercive sexual relationship
  • Have sex later in life
  • Have fewer non-coital behaviors
  • More positive attitudes about sex outside committed relationships
  • Have more one night stands
  • Are more likely to have sex to fit into a social expectation, instead of just because they want to

If you or your partner fits this description, look on the bright side.

You can get over this lack of attachment parenting and go on to have more positive feelings of sexual wellbeing. Just knowing that your attachment deficit is “a thing,” lets you move toward resolving unmet bonding needs so you can get to the point where you feel safe, secure and loved.

“Secure attachers have more positive emotions during sex, more frequent sex, higher levels of arousal and orgasm, and better communication about sex.*”

Now you can cease blaming your parents if they weren’t there for you. You’re in the 50% of not well-attached adults. Your parents did the best they could with what they had.

In the 21st century, we practice compassion, not blame or bitterness. Forgive them and forget the bonding you missed as a child and look forward… learn how to ask for and receive the love you need… and heal yourself, parent yourself, attach yourself healthily.

I know. Easier said than done.

That’s why I try to help as much as I can. I read and respond to your emails. I give you my best advice. And I work hard to give you new and exciting ideas to achieve the relationship and sex life you’ve always wanted.

Don’t give up on yourself.

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