“I’m trying so hard to cum that I find myself gripping the sheets, my body rigid, not even realizing it.”
Here’s a letter from Ellie asking for advice to help her orgasm more easily:
AN EASY SOLUTION TO COME MORE EASILY
“Hi, Susan,
I’m learning a lot from your advice. Even at 57 years young, I find there’s so much I missed out on because my ex was a “mission position hop on and off go to sleep” kinda guy. Very selfish.
My new boyfriend – who is ten years younger than me – thinks I’m sexy as hell! WOW! He makes me feel so much more like a woman.
But sometimes, it’s hard for me to relax with him during sex. (Here come the tears!) My difficulty relaxing is not because of him.
I can’t relax because, for the last 22 years, I’ve been the only one who has been pleasing myself.
If you have any advice on relaxation, I would greatly appreciate it. I’m trying so hard to cum that I find myself gripping the sheets, my body rigid, not even realizing it. And I know it’s frustrating for him because he blames himself for not getting me off. Ugh.
But he’s very pleased with what I’ve learned. Thank you so much for all the sweat, effort, and passion you share. Thanks to you, my sex life is on an upward swing!
Hugs,
Ellie”
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Hi Ellie,
I am so happy you have a new hottie boy toy. You deserve him!
And the great news is that it’s going to be so easy to come for him with the advice I am about to give you.
The answer is in being present.
First, share with your boyfriend your current situation – about how all those years of experience have left you a little nervous and unsure. And tell him that you’d appreciate him helping you open up to your pleasure.
Tell him you want to stay present during sex instead of being in your head worried about coming.
He can support you through eye contact, breathing deeply with you, and verbal encouragement.
The minute you start feeling uneasy, tell him.
Bring yourself back to your love and lust for him. Have him connect with you. Slow things down. Let go of any goals.
Until I was 45, I “dissociated” during sex with Tim due to my childhood sexual abuse. When we went to a therapist for marriage counseling, she unearthed my sexual abuse issues. I hadn’t even realized I wasn’t present. Tim would see me “leave the moment” and verbally call me back to the present.
Over time I learned how to look him in the eyes and be in the moment. It takes practice.
Your last husband’s use of you like a masturbation tool was sexual abuse. He might not have had malicious intent, but you were still abused.
So the trick is to keep returning to the moment and remembering you are loved.
Think about how sexy your boy toy is and how much you adore being sensual with him.
Feel your Yoni (another word for a woman’s vulva). Open your beautiful flower instead of clenching it down. Think about your Yoni like a lotus blossoming under your boyfriend’s loving touch. Keep opening, opening, and opening. Feel the pleasure. And breathe.
Breathe into your belly and down into your genitals. Let your stomach FILL with air. Pretend there is a beach ball in your abdomen that you are filling with your breath. As you are breathing, have your boyfriend breathe with you.
You can even have him breathe out as you breathe in so that you are circulating your air through each other.
This will slow down your heart rate and get you back in your body.
Here are four articles with erotic breathing techniques and body calming and grounding techniques that you can try:
Breathe Deeply and Laugh Loudly Partner Exercise
Breathing Sounding Squeezing Technique
And there’s one more IMPORTANT thing that will help you immensely!
As you make love, start with the “Best Hug In The World.”
This will calm your nervous system before you even begin making love. Get to the point when you are so relaxed that you are drooling on him.
As you calm your system, you will know when you want a little more kiss, more touching, more stroking… let your body tell you when it’s ready for a “sexual” instead of a “sensual” connection. She will know. Let your little animal talk to you, and you listen to her.
Try these ideas and report back, Ellie.
Thanks so much for asking about this issue. So many women clench up to come. And it dampens their orgasmic ability.
