I know, it sounds absurd.
“You’re the best lover I ever had.”
Forget about your performance in the bedroom.
I know, it sounds absurd for me to tell you to forget about your performance in the bedroom…
But hang with me a minute. What I am about to share with you will radically improve your sex life.
So here it is: that secret ingredient a lover craves is your presence.
To be present, you have to let go of performance.
In my opinion, performance has no place in the bedroom. (Unless you’re watching the Olympic Games while lying in bed.) When you focus on performance, you essentially objectify yourself and your lover. You miss the most satisfying aspect of sex: a deep soul-connection. Performance puts too much emphasis on what’s happening in your body, and not enough emphasis on what’s happening in your heart.
So how do you make that connection? It’s easier than you might think. But don’t take my word for it… listen to what happened for Jeff.
“You’re the best lover I ever had”
Jeff had a hard time believing his sex life would improve if he stopped focusing on performance. Every woman he’d ever been with—and he’d been with many—had said something to the effect of, “You’re the best lover I’ve ever had.” Not surprising, then, he came to think of himself as a sexual rockstar.
Jeff had recently met the woman he wanted to marry and proposed to Andrea. They’d been together for 14 months and adored each other. But something was off. He still had never heard her say the three magic words: you’re my best! In fact, she’d only ever commented on his performance once, and that was well over a year ago, just after they became lovers.
“We’d just finished making love for two hours,” he said. “She had easily twenty orgasms! And you know what she said?” He winced as he quoted her exact words: “You just re-arranged my top five.”
Jeff just couldn’t let go of that one—her words were still circling around in his mind: TOP FIVE? I’m in your top five? What does that mean? Am I number two or number four? And what the hell did those other guys do that I haven’t done better?
Andrea’s playful comment had sent Jeff spinning far, far away from the present moment. His performance became an obsession. His need to be “the best” prevented him from being present with Andrea in bed.
Clearly, Jeff is an extreme case. You don’t have to be trying to prove your status as a rockstar lover to block-kick your own presence. If you’ve ever lain there, trying to come, trying to give your lover and orgasm, you’re in performance mode.
The day came when Jeff could no longer tolerate not-knowing how he ranked on Andrea’s lover-scale. After a lively session of morning sex, he asked her, “Honey, do I satisfy you in bed?”
He was both relieved and shocked by her answer.
“I love making love with you, sweetheart. You have amazing stamina. I’d never had so many orgasms in a row before you. And you know how much I love your package.”
But Jeff wasn’t satisfied. “Are you sure?”
Moved by his tender vulnerability, Andrea decided to tell him the truth. “Well, the thing is… sometimes I don’t feel like you’re present with me. It’s like I can’t quite connect with you. I want to feel your heart but it kinda feels like you’re trying to be some kind of stallion. All I want is for you to be my man.”
Jeff was blown away—in a good way. It was just the wake-up call he needed.
“The amazing thing was,” he told me, “there wasn’t even a learning curve. The very next time we made love, I dropped the whole stallion shtick and just let myself be present with her. It made all the difference in the world!”
Presence. It’s everything to a woman. Connected sex is what she craves most of all.
Grab my book now for free because I’m about to take it down when I relaunch my new 2nd edition:
Sexual Soulmates: Six Essentials to Connected Sex <== Learn how you can become the best lover ever.