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The main takeaway from “Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life” is that sexually, we are all made of the same parts, organized in different ways – no two alike. Humans express and enjoy their sexuality in wildly different ways but have all the same parts.
Fascinating facts about women’s lubrication/wetness.
Fascinating facts about women’s lubrication/wetness.
WETNESS DOESN’T MEAN READY
For example, half the time men get erections, they are aroused. Half the time, they are not. Erection does not equal “sexually turned on.”
Yet there is only a 10% overlap between a woman’s “genital response” (wetness and engorgement) and what her brain says is “sexually appealing.”
Women’s vaginal lubrication is a poor sign of arousal. You have to ask her if she’s turned on. And if she’s turned on but her genitals are dry, just use a lubricant. I like the
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Sexual Excitation and Inhibition
Another important detail is that two concurrent systems are co-regulating each other. Like in a car, one is the gas and the brake. The gas is the “sexual excitation system,” and the brake is the “sexual inhibition system.” The gas and brake work concurrently, and all people have both, but in different amounts.
Two processes activate arousal – pressing on the accelerator as you move your foot off the brake. Some people are heavy breakers – most often women. Men step on the gas more quickly.
Some people are heavy gassers and light on the brakes; others ride the brakes and have difficulty stepping on the gas, but most of us are average. “The variation is distributed on a nice little bell curve; the majority of people are heaped up in the middle, and a few people are at the extreme ends,” says Dr. Emily Nagoski.
Women, on average, have more sensitive breaks, but about 2-6% of women have a lead foot and loose brakes, and they take more sexual risks. About 1-4% of women have heavy brakes and difficulty stepping on the gas, which causes them to have trouble getting aroused or orgasm and lacking desire.
No matter what your gas pedal is like, a sensitive brake is the strongest predictor of difficulty with arousal and orgasm. This sensitive brake can come from internal fears or external factors.
There is a Sexual Temperament Questionnaire in her book that you can take to see where you fall on the bell curve of high, medium, and low gas-and-brake. Then, once you know, you can understand how to work with your natural excitation/inhibition set points to increase the amount of sexual pleasure you have.
If you have a partner whose desire levels differ considerably from yours, this book holds many keys to rationalizing your desire deltas so you have less frustration with each other. Instead, you can increase your pleasure together without expecting your partner or you to change your gas and brake sensitivity.
You can change what your brake considers a threat and what your accelerator considers sexually attractive by changing the context in which you have sexual experiences.
Context is vital in helping women take their feet off their brakes and accelerate their gas pedal. Context creates a sexually safe environment—her internal state (feelings) and external circumstances (environment) for her to become aroused. The book gives ideas for increasing sexual context and, therefore, desire.
This is an excellent book to increase the level and frequency of sexual pleasure in your life.
Though you are likely in the middle of the bell curve, Come As You Are can help you have even more ease with your sexuality. It turns out the most critical factor for having a good sex life is how you feel about how your sexuality functions. The better you feel about your sexuality, the better your sex life. You feel better and better with good information. It’s a lack of knowledge and ignorance that creates fear. If you are afraid and don’t feel good about your sexuality, it generates upset and wretchedness.
That’s why I’m so glad you are learning and educating yourself… opening yourself to MORE.
Because that’s the beauty of sex, there is always more.
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You deserve the God-given human right of easeful pleasure and connection with a partner.
This is the most helpful, healing, wholesome video on reversing sexual trauma I’ve ever done.
If your sex drive (or your partner’s sex drive) has suffered from past issues, grab this video now.
Rewriting Your Libido Story (VIDEO) ⇐ Watch Or Download Now Before It’s Gone
All information from Susan Bratton, Personal Life Media, The20, and our collective brands are personal opinions. The statements made within this email/website have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. These statements and the products of this company are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. Always seek consultation from your doctor.
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