Ella sat quietly as her therapist, who specialized in trauma and intimacy, asked her about the last time she had felt real joy or desire in her relationship.
Her mind wandered back, through years of shutting down her body, feeling disconnected from herself and her partner. As a child, she had learned to cope with difficult experiences by pushing her feelings away, a skill that followed her into adulthood.
In her marriage, intimacy felt more like an obligation than a desire, and even though she cared for her husband deeply, sex had become fraught with discomfort and avoidance. She felt stuck and unsure if she could ever reclaim that part of her life.
Ella’s story is not uncommon. Many lovers find themselves disconnected from their desires, often without understanding why. Trauma can shape our understanding of intimacy, impacting not just physical relationships but also how we connect to our own desires and pleasure in life. But it’s possible to reclaim our libido and life force. And having a loving partner to support us makes it an even sweeter journey.
Here are ten steps to rewrite our “libido story,” addressing both body and mind to heal from past wounds. Here is a guided journey for anyone who wishes to move beyond trauma and reclaim a joyful and fulfilling intimate life.
Step 1: Establish Safety
Creating a safe environment is the foundation of healing. Trauma can make us feel that the world is unsafe, causing our minds and bodies to stay in a constant state of defense. Healing starts by acknowledging what makes us feel secure—emotionally, mentally, and physically.
Create a Safe Space:
Begin by setting up a private, comfortable space where you can reflect and explore these steps without interruptions. Communicate with your partner or those close to you about your needs for time and space.
Set Boundaries:
Develop clear boundaries in your relationships, especially intimate ones. This can mean saying “no” when you need to, asking for a break, or letting a partner know when you feel overwhelmed.
Seek Supportive Relationships:
Surround yourself with people who respect and support your healing journey. A supportive partner who understands your need to work through past experiences can be invaluable.
Step 2: Reconnect with Your Body
Trauma often causes dissociation, where we disconnect from our physical sensations as a defense mechanism. Reclaiming libido means reconnecting with your body and becoming comfortable in your skin again.
Practice Mindful Touch:
Spend time exploring your senses without judgment. You can start with non-sexual touch, like placing a hand on your chest and feeling your heartbeat.
Self-Care Rituals:
Engage in regular self-care routines that feel nourishing, such as warm baths, gentle yoga, or mindful breathing. These practices remind your body and mind that you’re in a safe space.
Step 3: Reclaim Your Personal Power
Trauma often leaves us feeling powerless. Reclaiming your autonomy and rewriting your story begins with acknowledging your strength.
Identify Limiting Beliefs:
Think about beliefs that might be limiting you, like “I’m not worthy of pleasure” or “Intimacy is dangerous.” Challenge these beliefs with compassion.
Replace Fear with Choice:
Remind yourself that you have control over what you experience. Every time you make a choice based on what feels right for you, you empower yourself and reclaim your personal agency.
Step 4: Cultivate Self-Compassion and Forgiveness
Forgiveness is not about letting someone “off the hook” but about freeing yourself from the grip of resentment. For many, this step is essential to restoring a healthy relationship with intimacy. Imagine that your transgressor is worse off than you are. That reframe can allow you the possibility of forgiving them and moving on, releasing the hold that their actions had on you.
Self-Compassion Exercises:
Practice kindness toward yourself, especially when past trauma surfaces. Speak to yourself as you would to a friend in need.
Forgiveness Rituals:
Write a letter to yourself or others (you don’t need to send it). Express any pain or anger, then focus on releasing these emotions to make room for healing.
Step 5: Practice Honest Communication
Effective communication is the bridge to healthy intimacy. Partners cannot read our minds, so voicing our needs, desires, and boundaries is crucial. If you’re the partner of a lover who’s been traumatized, your primary goal is to make sure you feel centered enough to hear anything your beloved needs to say. When they are free to express their feelings, they can begin to express their desires as they uncover them. Being able to “hold space” is one of the biggest gifts you can provide.
Share Your Journey:
If you have a partner, discuss your process with them. Ask for understanding and let them know when you need their patience or support.
Use “I” Statements:
Express feelings from your perspective without blaming. Statements like, “I feel disconnected when we don’t communicate” invite open dialogue.
Step 6: Explore Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques
When we heal from trauma, the body may sometimes respond with anxiety or dissociation during intimate moments. Practicing mindfulness can help ground you in the present moment.
Breathwork:
Use deep breathing techniques to calm your nervous system. Focus on your breath whenever you feel overwhelmed.
Grounding Exercises:
During moments of anxiety or discomfort, try grounding techniques such as feeling your feet on the floor, holding a comforting object, or focusing on tactile sensations.
Step 7: Set and Honor Intentions for Intimacy
Reclaiming libido isn’t about rushing into sexual experiences; it’s about honoring your desires. Allow yourself to approach intimacy slowly, with the intention of feeling pleasure.
Intention Setting:
Before engaging in intimacy, set a simple intention like, “I want to feel connected” or “I’m open to exploring pleasure at my own pace.”
Mindful Sensation Exploration:
Focus on sensations, without any pressure to reach a goal. Allow each touch, sight, sound, and scent to enrich your experience.
Step 8: Embrace Healing Together
Intimacy after trauma is a journey, and healing together with a supportive partner can deepen your bond.
Shared Grounding Exercises:
Practicing grounding techniques like holding each other’s hands, making eye contact, and focusing on each other’s breathing can reinforce trust and connection. If your partner is dissociating, remind them you love them and have them breathe and reconnect with you. Over time, this practice will allow them to be present and feel pleasure.
Non-Judgmental Feedback:
Encourage open feedback with your partner, discussing what feels good, what doesn’t, and anything that may trigger discomfort. Remember that everyone’s body is always changing. What felt good one day might be a trigger the next. Fluidity and heart connection are key to expanding the pleasure and intimacy you both deserve.
Step 9: Develop a Vision of Your Desired Intimate Life
Once safety, connection, and communication are established, the next step is to envision what you desire from intimacy. This process allows you to create a future built on your terms.
Create a “Desire List”:
Write down what you want to experience in intimacy—without censoring yourself. Think of it as a personal manifesto for pleasure and connection.
Expand Your Concept of Libido:
Libido is about life force and creativity. Cultivate desires not only in the bedroom but also in other areas of life, such as hobbies, passions, and personal goals.
Step 10: Integrate the Spiritual and Physical
Intimacy is a holistic experience that brings together mind, body, and spirit. Allowing spirituality into your intimacy can enrich your experiences and foster deeper connections.
Heart-Centered Practices:
Connect with your partner in ways that go beyond the physical, such as meditating together, sharing moments of gratitude, or engaging in soulful conversations.
Celebrate Growth and Resilience:
Honor each step of your journey, recognizing how far you’ve come. Appreciate the unique resilience that has led you to reclaim your body and spirit.
Reclaiming Your Birthright
Rewriting your libido story is a journey that takes patience, courage, and compassion. Trauma may have influenced your past, but with the tools and steps above, you can reclaim a rich and fulfilling intimate life. Remember, this process is about more than just improving your sex life; it’s about restoring your vitality and joy for life itself.
So, as you step forward on this path, celebrate each moment of reconnection with your body, mind, and spirit, knowing that true healing is within your reach.
Rewriting Your Libido Story ⇐ Restore Your Vitality And Joy For Life Itself
All information from Susan Bratton, Personal Life Media, The20, and our collective brands are personal opinions. The statements made within this email/website have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. These statements and the products of this company are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. Always seek consultation from your doctor.
