When you finally get the chance to be intimate, here are a few ideas to try that will make your “together time” feel even better. Following these seven tenets will reinforce the benefits of intimate connection. That way you will create even more good intentions to carve out time together again sooner, rather than later.
There are seven unique facets to making love that you can use to simultaneously calm your nervous systems and elevate your overall pleasure together. One of you typically holds the torch for intimacy and initiates. The other needs their desire to be slowly stoked to get in the mood.
Stress, arousal patterns, being more embodied or more in one’s head, and other similar factors contribute to this very normal difference in readiness. That is ok. Just like the rest of life, you deal with what is to achieve what you want.
One partner does the initial heavy lifting to help the other partner get on the upward pleasure spiral. Remember how they always thank you afterward for helping them? This is what we do for each other.
If you’re the partner who’s more ready to go, then please, proceed to get things started. If you’re the partner who needs a helping hand lighting the furnace, make clear indications that you’re ready for support. Then thank your partner for helping you.
💖 7 Ways To Improve Intimate Moments
- Location
- Ritual
- Decompression
- Arousal Heightening
- Sensation
- Encouragement & Appreciation
- Variety
Location
MAKE SURE YOU HAVE YOUR PLEASURE OILS
Where you make love can run the gamut from scouting a new location in your home—think patio furniture, pool table, massage table, sofa—to transforming your bedroom into a sensual oasis. I call this, “setting the Loverspace.” Lay in the soft towels, warm lighting, sexy music, pitcher of water, clean lubricants, favorite toys, and bed coverings so that you can easily come together in full relaxation. Premeditating what you need not only sets the tone for relaxation, it facilitates the surrender into a time of pure pleasure.
Note: If you’re a heavy-lifting person, why not just go set up the Loverspace so your partner can more easily drop right in?
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Other rituals can include showering together, lighting candles, or sharing with your partner what you love most about them at the moment.
Decompression
Data shows that people who have “sex once a week” are more likely to live a longer, healthier, happier life. I want to expand the notion of what “sex” means to encompass sensual massage, being held and holding each other, passionate kissing and genital massage. When you widen the playing field of what “sex” means to you as a couple, you lower the expectations that sex means intercourse. It’s not specifically intercourse that makes you live a longer, healthier life. It’s the physical touch and co-creation of pleasure. Sex can be a big ask for many couples. Take it down a notch to physical connection and you’ll likely end up having more intercourse as a result.
The relaxation of these things that people call, “foreplay” when making intercourse the goal, are what alleviate our stress, draw us closer together and generate the oxytocin that lowers our cortisol or adrenaline hormones. Oxytocin is the feel good, bonding hormone that calms our nervous systems. Instead of expecting that you’ll have intercourse and rushing through foreplay, flip the script. Let go of expectations and just enjoy the sensuality of heart-connected touch.
Arousal Heightening
Arousal begins in relaxation. You can’t climb the ladder of turn-on as well if you’re amped up. Think of your arousal as a ladder, with each step a place where you take a pause. When you begin hugging and holding each other, even before that when you are setting the loverspace, you are relaxing so your arousal can climb. When you drive your nervous system up, up, up… harder and harder — faster and faster — you burn out more quickly.
Slowing down and taking rests allows your nervous system to toggle between the parasympathetic (rest and digest) and sympathetic (arousal). This slower ramp up allows your systems to achieve higher peaks of pleasure over sustained periods of time.
For many women who are one and done and “too sensitive” after, that is a sure sign of driving her pleasure circuits too hard. For men with stamina issues, it’s the same thing — they go too fast too soon — rather than slowing down and allowing the body to come into its arousal. Slow and steady wins the race. If you want to be an Olympic-level lover, pace yourselves and you’ll find that you achieve more peak moments.
Sensation
Intimacy is a sensual experience. The eyes see your beauty. The nose smells your scent. The tongue tastes your essence. Your body feels the touch of your lover. Your ears hear the moans of pleasure. A feather tickles your skin. The music soothes you. The warmed up massage oil feels indulgent and nurturing. Your words of love swell my heart.
Take a beat to notice when these things are happening. Then after your intimacy sesh, share a few “Favorite Frames.” These are snapshots—moments in time—that were particularly pleasurable. Describe physical sensations and corporeal experiences when you share Frames. This is not the time to share emotion. Just sensation. Believe it or not, your partner will be surprised at the peak pleasure moments you experienced and vice versa. It’s a way to both be mindful during intimacy of the pleasure you’re enjoying, but also for your partner to learn what feels good to you. Reliving moments of pure, sensual pleasure together double down on reminding you both how important it is to carve out time for intimate pleasure.
Encouragement & Appreciation
We are generally more quiet than is beneficial during intimacy. Moaning from a good foot rub, exclaiming about your partner’s attractiveness, giggling at a shared silliness all go a long way toward lifting each other up.
“That feels incredible!”
“Oh, I love how you’re touching me right now. Don’t stop.”
“You give the best _____.” Fill in the blank.
We all need verbal appreciation. The more you practice this, the better you get at it and the better your relationship gets. Generally women love to be adored and men love to be appreciated. But everyone loves everything… so give generously and frequently.
Variety
…is the spice of life. And if you want it to be spicy in your bedroom… mix it up! Practicing new communication skills such as fantasy sharing, telling sexy stories, and making more sounds of satisfaction amp your pleasure. The more you push yourself to try, the easier and more natural it becomes. Then suddenly you’re having the best intimate times of your life.
I will leave you with one last encouragement. Your brain is the biggest pleasure organ in your body. You’ve heard that before. What you might not know is that you can keep expanding the amount of pleasure and satisfaction you feel all over your body. How? By awakening new neural pathways through stimulation. A place that might today feel numb, or shameful or even painful, can over time become an incredible source of pleasure. You can expand your pleasure potential simply by increasing touch to those areas. Over time you can more easily tap into pleasure sensations from all sorts of new locations on your body. That’s why learning techniques are so valuable. They enlarge your pleasure zones and intensify your feelings.
Intimacy is a never-ending gift that is available for you to tap into in this moment. Take your pleasure when you can. Life is short and it’s free!
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All information from Susan Bratton, Personal Life Media, The20, and our collective brands are personal opinions. The statements made within this email/website have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. These statements and the products of this company are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. Always seek consultation from your doctor.
