A most intimate and passionate Valentine’s Day Season is coming for you! Get excited for the coming Season of Love! For now, check out this sweet couple’s story I have for you below. Learn about the 10 commandments of relationships
The most beautiful Soulmate relationships are NOT random occurrences.
They are co-created.
That means both partners design their relationship together. There are equal amounts of effort, attention, intimacy, and sensuality.
Women long to be adored, cherished, and made love to like we’re goddesses.
And men desire their women to be respectful, affectionate, and intimately expressive with them.
Here’s a story of an unlikely soulmate relationship between two opposites. For privacy, let’s call them Greg and Helen.
Greg and Helen met at a coffee shop three years ago and immediately hit it off. They were both attracted to each other’s good looks and magnetic personalities, but that was the only thing they had in common. Greg was a conservative yet voraciously affectionate man who loved sports and enjoyed spending his weekends outdoors. At the same time, Helen was more liberal in her beliefs and values and preferred staying in and reading a good book.
Despite their differences, they couldn’t resist the chemistry between them and decided to try dating. At first, things were hot and steamy as they explored each other’s bodies and learned new things about each other. But as they spent more time together, they realized how different they were. They often found themselves disagreeing on politics, religion, and even the simplest things like what to watch on TV or where to eat.
Despite the challenges, they continued to see each other on and off for three years.
One day, something changed. Both Greg and Helen started making minor adjustments to how they interacted with each other. Greg began showing more interest in Helen’s hobbies and even picked up a book to read. On the other hand, Helen started joining Greg on his outdoor adventures and found that she enjoyed being in nature… as long as it was with Greg.
As they made these small changes, they fell in love in a way they never had before. They began to see each other as soulmates and realized that they couldn’t imagine spending their lives with anyone else.
Three years after they first met, Greg and Helen finally found their way to each other and knew they wanted to be together forever. Despite their differences, they had learned to love and accept each other for who they were and were grateful to have found their true soulmate in each other.
Why would two opposites end up seeing each other as soulmates?
I want to share with you ten characteristics of a conscious marriage/relationship that I learned from a book by Harville Hendrix that goes deeper into what it takes to create the best soulmate relationships.
These are the ten recommendations Harville Hendrix makes for quickly shifting your reactions and behaviors such that you are mature, loving, kind, and additive in your relationship.
Try this list and find where you can improve your love life together.
I’ve written my commentary below on each of the ten characteristics.
1. You realize your love relationship has a hidden purpose – healing childhood wounds. Instead of focusing entirely on surface needs and desires, you learn to recognize the unresolved childhood issues that underlie them. When you look at your relationship with this X-ray vision, your daily interactions have more meaning. Puzzling aspects of your relationship make sense, and you have greater control.
Are you surprised that this is #1? Years of therapy with countless couples point to the wounds and unfinished business we bring into our relationships. The next time you find fault with your partner, shine a light on your own dark experiences to see how you are projecting your baggage onto your relationship. Just stopping each time you have frustration and considering where this upset is coming from can do wonders for increasing the ease in your marriage.
As you bring your awareness to your dissatisfaction, you can begin to put your partner’s innocence in perspective. Replace anger with compassion and imagine that what they are doing is not to make you upset and likely has nothing to do with you.
2. You create a more accurate image of your partner. You begin fusing your lover with your primary caretakers at the moment of attraction. Later you project your negative traits onto your partner, further obscuring your partner’s essential reality. As you move toward a conscious marriage, you gradually let go of these illusions and begin to see more of your partner’s truth. You see your partner not as your savior but as another wounded human being struggling to be healed.
Knowing that you are both making an effort to become confident, whole, happy humans bonded together in a journey makes the minor frustrations of coupledom subside. Replace agitation with empathy and sensitivity, both for your partner and yourself.
Remember, everyone is doing the best they can. Once you are present, rather than thinking ahead or living in the past, honesty and appreciation for your togetherness can emerge.
3. You take responsibility for communicating your needs and desires to your partner. In an unconscious marriage, you cling to the childhood belief that your partner automatically intuits your needs. In a conscious marriage, you accept that you need to develop clear communication channels to understand each other.
We all have our own needs and desires that we crave in our relationships. Once you know precisely what you are in a relationship for — what feelings you want to feel in a partnership — you can give your partner plenty of specifics about what keeps you happy in commitment.
When you play the higher game of only wanting to do things that make you AND YOUR PARTNER happy and fulfill each other’s impressive short list of values, then, and only then, do you remove the pointless arguments and frustration at not getting what you want? When you wake up and work on your partner’s desires, and they do the same for you, magic occurs.
4. You become more intentional in your interactions. In an unconscious marriage, you tend to react without thinking. You use all the primitive responses of your old brain to control your behavior. In a conscious marriage, you train yourself to behave more constructively.
Using your manners, tending to your partner’s heart, communicating your needs clearly, and giving honest feedback build deep love and trust. When you stop the blame game and pause, fill your heart with love, and respond with vulnerability and sensitivity, it levels your whole way of relating. This is the way mature, rational, loving adults react. When you and your partner bring kindness into your communication, the sweetness melts hearts when you put your partner equal to your own needs.
5. You learn to value your partner’s needs and wishes as highly as your own. In an unconscious marriage, you assume that your partner’s role is to magically take care of your needs. In a conscious marriage, you let go of this narcissistic view and divert more and more of your energy to meet your partner’s needs.
I suggest actively allowing yourself to feel more love for your partner daily. The heart is a muscle. Work it. Use it. Can you look at your partner and make your heart swell with love? Do you seek moments to give your lover affection? Do you pay attention to their accomplishments and vocally honor them for achievements? Do you express gratitude for them choosing to love you? Are you making regular deposits in the love karma bank? Did you know that you will feel more loved by expressing your love than by taking love in? Want to feel more love in your life? Start loving more people all day long.
6. You embrace the dark side of your personality. In a conscious marriage, you openly acknowledge that you, like everyone else, have negative traits. As you accept responsibility for this dark side of your nature, you lessen your tendency to project your negative traits onto your mate, which creates a less hostile environment.
“This is not a license to be an emotional wreck. Keep yourself in check – handle your dark side with maturity and personal responsibility. Your negative mood impacts everyone in your home and work. You are at the helm of your emotions and your reactions to them. It’s ok to have “issues” as long as you know and manage and work through them, so they hold less power over you over time.”This is not a license to be an emotional wreck. Keep yourself in check – handle your dark side with maturity and personal responsibility. Your negative mood impacts everyone in your home and work. You are at the helm of your emotions and your reactions to them. It’s ok to have “issues” as long as you know and manage and work through them, so they hold less power over you over time.
7. You learn new techniques to satisfy your basic needs and desires. You cajole, rant, and blame during the power struggle to coerce your partner to meet your needs. When you move beyond this stage, you realize that your partner can be a resource for you — once you abandon your self-defeating tactics.
Who knows you better than your partner? If you make it safe for them to reflect on your behavior to make you a more robust, happier individual, it creates a great space for personal growth together. You can support your partner in mellowing, evolving, and blossoming with good intentions.
8. You search within yourself for the strengths and abilities you lack. You were attracted to your partner because your partner had powers and abilities you lacked. Therefore, being with your partner gives you an illusory sense of wholeness. In a conscious marriage, you learn that the only way to recapture a sense of oneness is to develop the hidden traits within yourself.
Dr. David Schnarch, the author of Passionate Marriage, says we must stand for ourselves within our marriage. Instead of fusing into one, keeping ourselves distinct, it opens the space for true acceptance and togetherness. Intimacy increases when we evolve positively and share those gains with our partners.
“Ironically, intimacy seems to develop through conflict, self-validation, and unilateral disclosure” – Schnarch Let go of expecting you both will align on every issue similarly and celebrate your unique contributions. Rely on yourself and support your partner, rather than being an energy vampire who has to have your partner align with “your way” Allow both “ways” to co-exist and take strength from your unique gifts. “Ironically, intimacy seems to develop through conflict, self-validation, and unilateral disclosure.” – Schnarch Let go of expecting you both will align on every issue similarly and celebrate your unique contributions. Rely on yourself and support your partner, rather than being an energy vampire who has to have your partner align with “your way.” Allow both “ways” to co-exist and take strength from your unique gifts.
9. You become more aware of your drive to be loving and united with the universe. As a member of your God-given nature, you can love unconditionally and experience unity with the world around you. Social conditioning and imperfect parenting made you lose touch with these qualities. In a conscious marriage, you begin to rediscover your original nature.
Remember when you were a teenager, and you had ideas about what it would be like when you got married? You’d have great sex, do fun things, and be close and loving. Return to that. Create that. Everything you want is within you to co-create with your partner. Start sharing your dreams, your fantasies… Surprise your partner by fulfilling one of their fantasies. Love the stuffing out of your darling. Generate joy. Think of one thing you know your partner loves and make it happen every day, and see what a transforming effect just that one act of kindness has on the joy and love you feel.
10. You accept the difficulty of creating a good marriage. In an unconscious marriage, you believe the way to have a good marriage is to pick the right partner. You realize you have to be the right partner in a conscious marriage. As you gain a more realistic view of love relationships, you know that a good marriage requires commitment, discipline, and the courage to grow and change; marriage is hard work.
There is no “soul mate” out there for you. You create your soulmate by letting your partner know what will please you and vice versa. It’s not “difficult” to create an off-the-hook satisfying relationship when you focus on love, check your emotions, and do the work to evolve into a mature, loving partner. Conscious partnering, radical honesty, standing for yourself as an individual, and actively loving yourself and your husband or wife are any human’s most fulfilling life experiences.
Every time you learn new relationship communication skills, your intimate life improves. Though you may have only been introduced to me recently, I’ve been a trusted relationship advisor to millions worldwide for over a decade.
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