Does your partner think about someone else when they are having sex with you?
This might be disconcerting, but I’d encourage you to lean into rather than shy away from this very normal behavior. It’s not only not worth getting hurt feelings over it, you can leverage this for the good of your own sex life.
The more you understand what aspects of this memory trigger your lover’s turn on, the more you can use it to turn them on yourself.
After helping partners achieve the most satisfying intimacy for over 15 years, I can tell you it’s common to remember sexy things about a past lover during sex with a new one.
One of my fans wrote to me about her situation precisely like this. Check out her email and my thoughts, ideas, and response below.
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SPICY TALK IN BED
“Hi, Susan!
My hubby and I have a healthy, fun, and frequent sex life. However, he still masturbates occasionally and fantasizes about his ex during masturbation, and he admitted to thinking about her when we are having sex. This ex was decades ago, not a recent one. We’ve been together for ten years.
Is this appropriate? I feel betrayed and hurt just thinking about this. I’d appreciate your expert advice if you wouldn’t mind. Thank you!” — Kaye (not her real name)
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Hello, Kaye,
Your partner’s previous lovers are a wealth of vital insight into what turns him on. I love that he admitted there were things with his ex that got him really excited.
You can’t think of everything! That’s why it’s so great that he feels confident in his love for you to the point where he’s willing to divulge these details.
It’s common to have a particular experience with someone in the past for whom you no longer have the desire, but that one little thing turns you on.
I remember a former lover who would go down on me and practically growl and drool at the thought of getting his mouth on me. His animalistic passion was so hot!
And a past girlfriend who got on top of me when I was wearing a strap on and rode me cowgirl style and made out with me passionately. She was like a bucking bronco and it was one of the hottest moments of my sex life. She’s now happily married but I have the joy of that experience as something that turns me on when I’m self pleasuring.
Instead of worrying that this past partner is going to supplant you, dig for new material you can use to fill your husband’s mind with even HOTTER experiences he is having with YOU.
Ask him about all time favorite highlights: A specific position they liked to do. The way they handled themselves when they were experiencing pleasure. Ways they talked dirty to each other…
His body has a mental groove that makes it easy to orgasm thinking about that previous partner. It’s a tool for release, not a threat to your relationship.
It’s also perfect that he’s using fantasy instead of pornography. That means he can generate some good fantasy ideas for you that might get you both going hot and heavy. Have him tell you some ideas he’s always wanted to do while he’s giving you a pussy massage or playing with your breasts and nipples. Have him give you fantasies and orgasms simultaneously. (That’s one of the Dirty Talk techniques in my awesome free download at the link below.)
I’d encourage you to increase the use of fantasy during masturbation too. Fantasies are not reality; they are vehicles of arousal, and safe ones to boot.
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How to recognize your lover’s dirty talk style…
How to sound sexy and steamy, and not strange…
Dirty talk fantasies you and your lover will want to try…
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