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“Did I fail my lover?” [Mailbag]

Click Here For The Tuning Fork Gift ⇐ This Triggers Her Intense Orgasms 

Sweetie, he couldn’t be vulnerable and say that he would focus more attention on getting her turned on before asking for oral and intercourse.

She Craves Your Presence  (What Does That Mean?)

“He was just upset that he didn’t satisfy her, but he couldn’t be vulnerable and say that he would focus more attention on getting her turned on before asking for oral and intercourse. She tried to appeal to his better angels, but he was too hurt to go there.”

My sexual survey of thousands of women determined the attributes they want most in a lover. Are you focusing on these top three preferred characteristics women desire in a male partner?

1. Physical cleanliness

2. Being present and emotionally connected

3. Communication skills

I’ll briefly explain what she means by being clean and how to have a strong communication flow. Then, I will define presence for you in tangible ways such that she will feel your presence and why being present is in her top three desires.


Good grooming includes smooth, short fingernails, a close shave, a fresh shower, clean teeth, and fastidious manscaping. She also prefers clean sheets, soft towels, sanitized toys, and other hallmarks of tidiness to calm down and surrender into her turn-on. Arousal begins with relaxation. Order and cleanliness are relaxing and reassuring.


The communication skills she seeks involve her ability to say anything to you without you being sensitive about it, taking her feedback personally, or contracting because your ego gets hurt. She doesn’t want you to shame her for making specific requests. She doesn’t want you to get angry or storm out. She doesn’t want you to belittle her requests. When she gives you honest feedback, she hopes you will take it in and reflect on what she communicated to ensure you understand what she’s saying. It’s risky for her to tell you what she needs from you.

It was after midnight when Tami and Rob went to bed. It had been two days since they’d made love because Tami hadn’t felt well. She asked what Rob wanted to do. He said, “Go down on me and then hop on top of me.” Tami obliged, but as she got tired from moving up and down on Rob, she got frustrated with him. She felt like she was doing all the work, and he hadn’t even touched her clitoris. Then she began worrying that this was becoming a pattern — focused on Rob’s pleasure and not giving her orgasms in various ways, from genital massage to oral love focused on her. She climbed off him and said, “You haven’t even touched my pleasure spots, Rob. I am feeling sexually dissatisfied.”

Rob immediately got defensive. He said, “I asked you if you wanted me to go down on you.” Tami said, no, you didn’t. Rob said he meant to. She said “meaning to” is not “doing it.” He said, are you drunk? Is that your problem? No, Tami said. That’s insulting. It’s been hours since we drank wine with dinner. Why are you deflecting like this?

Rob said, Tamara, don’t take that tone with me. Tami said, who the hell are you to talk to me like you are some father figure and I’m a bad little girl for wanting more pleasure than you are giving me? Do I need to tell you I’m disappointed in YOU, ROBERT?

Then he stonewalled her. He rolled over, put his back to Tami, and stopped responding as she tried to discuss the issue.

She poked at his back and said, “Rob, go sleep in the other room if you’re going to ignore me. You’re acting completely immature. All because I said I need more clitoral stimulation when we make love.” Tami was frustrated that Rob made asking for what she needed unsafe. And she knew what she was asking for was more than reasonable. He was just butt-hurt that he didn’t satisfy her, but he couldn’t be vulnerable and say that he would focus on getting her turned on before asking for oral and intercourse. She tried to appeal to his better angels, but he was too hurt to go there.

Instead of lying in the other room to sleep off his anger, he started packing his things. He was visiting for a week and had things spread all over Tami’s house. She flipped the lights on, helped him pack up, and moved his belongings out on the front step. At this point, there didn’t seem to be a way to resolve his anger. The sooner he left in his big dramatic huff, the better.

She thought of the classic movie scene of the guy coming home, all his clothes on the lawn. She realizes “that scene” from so many movies must happen when women get exasperated that they are not being heard.

Let him go, she thought. He will come around.

The following day, she awoke from a fitful sleep and realized she didn’t want to date Rob anymore. She didn’t want to be with a guy who took requests so personally that he got angry and stormed out. He has poor communication skills with all the toxic masculine responses, the huffing and puffing, and the little lies to salve his ego… Not worth it, Tami thought.

All he would have needed to do was lie her down, stroke her into a few orgasms, and let her know her pleasure was essential to him.


This scenario explains why women are afraid to give men feedback and why women rate communication skills so high on their list of must-haves for good sexual partnerships.

She wants you to understand that her body likes different daily experiences. Sometimes she’s a pussy cat. Other times, she’s a tigress. Understand that the range of physical and emotional needs she has ebbs and flows with her moon cycle, even after menopause. For intercourse to be orgasmic, many women need full-body touch and a manual and oral warm-up before entry.

Being hungry for her feedback, rather than taking it personally when she offers requests, will open up a communication channel that allows you two to get very good in bed together. Encouraging her to communicate and thanking her for telling you anything and everything increases your ability to deliver incredible pleasure to her. To get good verbal feedback, you have to give it. Encourage and appreciate her requests, and your lover will open up to you in ways no one has before.

Integrating feedback, combined with being present not just during lovemaking but staying present when hard words need to be heard, is the sign of a confident man that a woman wants as a lover. Staying present and grounded during emotional stress is vital, and it’s also crucial to be calm and connected in the moments of passionate lovemaking.


What is presence? How do you signal your presence? What does “emotionally connected” mean?

Presence means you are in the here and now with your partner instead of thinking about something else. Your attention is connected to your partner’s. Suppose your mind is occupied with something that happened in the past, such as when you didn’t last as long as you wanted because you got anxious. You are not present. You are not present when you worry about the future, such as a fear of failure about whether your partner will be pleased with your bedroom skills. When you are afraid of mishaps, risk scenarios, and strategizing, all these are head games that take you away from emotional connection. You have to balance your plan for the date with real-time events. Responding in real-time to your partner’s biofeedback creates feelings of closeness. You have to pay attention to perceive your lover’s signals. You can’t read the signs if you’re not paying attention.

The opposite of emotional connection is when your mind is not focused on feeling your partner in your heart and body. Everyone feels sexual performance anxiety. One of the best ways to stay present is to eliminate distractions and focus on physical sensations. Can you hear your beloved’s breathing? Can you feel their warm skin? Can you find something to laugh about together? It’s through the five senses that we experience pleasure. Help bring yourself and your partner into the present moment by sharing pleasurable sensations.

“Oh, baby, your body feels so soft. I love our skin-on-skin moments.”

Though more women are becoming pacesetters in the bedroom, there is still the time-honored notion that men are sexual leaders and women surrender to their pleasure with their men. This works across the gender spectrum, presenting itself as the magnetism of the masculine and feminine. But it puts men in a difficult situation where they are supposed to hold the experience frame, guide the sexual date through foreplay to snuggling, yet show their pleasure instead of just focusing on her pleasure.

It’s challenging to be the master planner of the lovemaking session while moaning in ecstasy. But it can be done and done well. Because your partner wants to know they are affecting your pleasure, not just the one “getting done.” Love and happiness are heightened when you get out of performance mode and into the present moment. Balance your desire to give your partner orgasmic ecstasy by showing them the pleasure they are generating for you. Instead of “doing” them, simply “be” with them interactively.

From my best-selling book, Sexual Soulmates: The Six Essentials of Connected Sex, presence is the first of the six essentials. Presence is also a mindfulness practice. A practice, like meditation, is something you get better at over time. The more you bring yourself back to the moment, the better you get at being present. If worry creeps in, seek your heart. Performance is for the boardroom, not the bedroom.


Try this powerful visualization. Imagine you are holding two tuning forks. Strike the first one against a hard surface. Hold it next to the other tuning fork. The second tuning fork begins to reverberate from the harmonic resonance of the first tuning fork. This is how arousal works—your turn-on turns your partner on. If you are lost in thought, rather than showing your lover how good they make you feel, then you are vibrating at a low sexual wavelength.

Instead, your moaning, verbal appreciation, and sexy body movements will get your lover reverberating with your turn-on. If you love it when they moan, are you moaning, too? Or are you silent, expecting them to feed your ego without returning the favor?

Being a better lover happens when you get beyond performance mode and truly begin showing your pleasure to your partner. The best lovers are clean, heart-connected, and communicative — giving as much as getting. Try amping up your biofeedback and staying in the moment, and see if your sexual satisfaction increases. Because the best thing about sex is that there is always more pleasure to be had.

The benefits of the Tuning Fork Technique are explained in more detail below.

Click Here For The Tuning Fork Gift ⇐ This Triggers Her Intense Orgasms 

Fight your ego and find your heart!

Susan Holding Soulmates

All information from Susan Bratton, Personal Life Media, The20, and our collective brands are personal opinions. The statements made within this email/website have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. These statements and the products of this company are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. Always seek consultation from your doctor.

One Response

  1. That is what it is really all about when you really chew it down to the bone. Giving as much as you are getting, selflessness. I know it goes a long way because I have been there. Very interesting and helpful Susan, thanks much.

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