“He had an affair. Now what?”
I received an email from a woman who recently discovered her husband was fooling around. According to her, it may have just been an accident. And she wants to know what to do next.
There may be other women going through the same ordeal right now, so this email is for each of you. Whether it was truly unintentional or not, this is my advice.
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Infidelity doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker. We all make mistakes. Before going nuts and doing something you will regret, take a deep breath and read this ten times: As far as his affair, remember that he’s also going through a tremendous loss. If he did have a heart connection and it’s now been broken, he is going through loss, grief, disillusionment, guilt, and many more painful emotions in addition to letting you down.
His infidelity feels like a mortal wound to you… and in this case, he feels like part of himself has been ripped away because he made a mistake. The part of him that was your loyal husband… And he knows his actions permanently altered his commitment to you for so long.
You’re hurting. He’s hurting. And you’re in this together. So here’s what I want you to do.
Bring your compassionate heart to your life partner. It happens, honey. It happens all the time. Nurture him through it. And nurture yourself through the heartbreak.
Together, you can get through this cheating and betrayal too.
Listen, he didn’t do it TO YOU. It had little to nothing to do WITH you. He fell in love with someone else. It’s ok. His heart will heal. Continue to love him through the healing, baby. It is what we do for our life partners.
Now, of course, you have to establish new rules. The affair should stop, and they should cease communication. And you should make sure he’s fully committed to rebuilding your relationship.
However, aside from simply laying down new rules, you should also build new communication channels between you two.
Most affairs happen because one person’s desires aren’t met. And that usually occurs when lovers don’t openly discuss their needs and desires as they should.
My Relationship Magic couple’s exercise will help you both put into words what you want out of your relationship together going forward.
Use the workbook to embark on a new open, accessible, radically honest, and guilt-free communication agreement. You should be able to share your thoughts and feelings with your partner without worrying about negative feedback, friction, or judgment. And your partner must also have that freedom with you.
When bitterness comes up, forgive your husband and his paramour and let it go. Move your mind to where you’re going as a reunited, recommitted couple.
You control your mind. Don’t let it control you.
This, too, shall pass.
You will start a new life together.
You’re in the early steps of a new level of love and appreciation for each other. And in the initial stages of falling in love all over again.
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Tim and I have made it through an affair situation and an open relationship that went too far. I promise this, too, shall pass and make you stronger together if you allow that as an option.