“He had an affair. Now what?”
I received an email from a woman who’s recently discovered her husband was fooling around. According to her, it may have just been an accident. And she wants to know what to do next.
There may be other women going through the same ordeal right now, so this email is for each one of you. Whether it was truly unintentional or not, this is my advice.
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Infidelity doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker. We all make mistakes. Before going nuts and doing something you will later regret, take a deep breath and read this ten times:
As far as his affair, keep in mind that he’s going through a tremendous loss right now too. If he did have a heart connection and it’s now been broken, he is going through loss, grief, disillusionment, guilt, and many more emotions that are painful beyond letting you down.
His infidelity feels like a mortal wound to you… and in this case, he feels like part of him has been ripped away because he made a mistake. The part of him that was your loyal husband… And he knows his actions permanently altered the commitment he had with you for so long.
You’re hurting. He’s hurting. And you’re in this together. So here’s what I want you to do.
Bring your compassionate heart to your life partner. It happens, honey. It happens all the time. Nurture him through it. And nurture yourself through the heartbreak.
Together you can get through this cheating and betrayal too.
Listen, he didn’t do it TO YOU. It had little to nothing to do WITH you. He fell in love with someone else. It’s ok. His heart will heal. Continue to love him through the healing, baby. It is what we do for our life partners.
Now, of course, you have to establish new rules. The affair should stop and they should cease communication. And you should make sure he’s fully committed to rebuilding your relationship.
However, aside from simply laying down new rules, you should also build new channels of communication between you two.
Most affairs happen because one person’s desires aren’t met. And that usually happens when lovers don’t talk about their needs and desires as openly as they should.
My Relationship Magic couples exercise will help you both put into words what you want out of your relationship together going forward.
Use the workbook to embark on a new open, free, radically honest, and guilt-free communication agreement. You should be able to share what you’re thinking and feeling with your partner without any worry of negative feedback, friction, or judgment. And your partner must also have that freedom with you.
Every time your bitterness comes up, just forgive both your husband and his paramour and let it go. Move your mind to where you’re going together as a reunited, recommitted couple.
You control your mind. Don’t let it control you.
This too shall pass.
You will start a new life together.
You’re just in the early steps of a new level of love and appreciation for each other. And in the initial steps of falling in love all over again.
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