When your woman is completely shut down, unwilling or incapable of opening up and relaxing into lovemaking so she can fully surrender…
Where there is literally almost nothing to which she will say, “Yes,” other than mechanical missionary sex with a “can’t get this over with fast enough” attitude…
Where do you start? <=== Start Here
TRAIN YOUR ANIMAL
Here’s an email from Lanny, a Revive Her Drive customer who has made some progress but is stuck on getting his wife to do more than straight missionary once a week.
Hi Susan –
Love your programs. I first learned about Revive Her Drive about a year ago and I wish I had come upon it 10 years ago.
20+ years of marriage and hectic life with young kids has a way of letting you get lazy and taking your eye off the ball. I had thought I was doing everything right – strong professional career, no financial concerns, good husband, involved dad … and that it was “her fault” that the quality and frequency of sex was slipping away. I’m just thankful RHD helped me realize it was my responsibility to make some very easy but long overdue changes before it was too late.
The biggest learning for me has been the need to create and maintain sexual polarity and how without even realizing it you can let all the needy nice guy behavior traits creep in and completely kill attraction and arousal. Moreover, how when you’re married to a strong-minded control-oriented woman who is more comfortable leading than receiving (big understatement!), you can think you’re doing everything right by falling in line and deferring to what you think she wants when in reality you need to be even more masculine, bold, confident and decisive to spark attraction. Seemed totally counterintuitive at first and never would have occurred to me without the Revive Her Drive program and Personal Life Media team to help bang it into my thick head.
I will confess this process has taken much longer than I thought but I now understand that you can’t immediately erase 20+ years of ingrained behavioral patterns and I also now better appreciate that the feelings of pressure, guilt and resentment my wife had about our sexual relationship were much deeper than I ever imagined. I am about a year into this work (completely stealth, my wife has no idea) and we are now at a point where almost all the negative feelings are gone and are back to “neutral” – we are much more comfortable discussing this topic and have an agreement to have sex on a designated night once a week. It’s not yet the really good juicy kind but big progress from where we had gotten to and at least now I have a plan on how to get us there.
Two requests for additional content/advice that I think would help guys in situations similar to mine –
When your woman is completely shut down, unwilling or incapable of opening up and relaxing into lovemaking so she can fully surrender, where there is literally almost nothing she will say yes to other than check-the-box mechanical missionary sex with a cant get this over with fast enough attitude, where do you start? When you try to escalate one small step step at a time and she still shuts you down, how do you get the positive spiral started? No foot rub, no massage, no making out, no genital touching, no oral … Literally just are you ready ok let’s go …
And second thing, and this may get a bit personal, but I’ve heard you describe how you and your husband went through a similar phase of barely sexual, disengaged, passionless marriage but I’ve never heard you describe how you specifically pulled yourselves out of it – what changes did he make to get you more comfortable opening up, what got you over the hump to be willing to explore and want to grow together sexually?? More detailed discussion of what specifically happened during those difficult months if you are comfortable sharing is something we would all get a lot out of. My sense is a good number of your guys are staring into that abyss right at this moment and sometimes all you need is a jolt of courage to get the process started.
Thanks to you and your team for all your great work – keep it up!
Lanny
Dearest Lanny,
Thank you for telling me your story. It’s a very accurate assessment of what so many guys are dealing with. And your two questions are excellent. What I will do is answer you on video and share it with the other guys who are on your same journey.
I am traveling for a few weeks on business, but will add this to my To Do list.
In the interim, the answer to your question about how to get her to allow you to slowly awaken her body again is to start with “catch and release.”
Go up, hug her, tell her she’s gorgeous and you love her and then release her and walk away. Do that randomly for a few weeks and she’ll start coming toward you. It is like training a puppy to like to get petted. For more on “catch and release,” go to https://personallifemedia.com and search that phrase for articles. They will illuminate more.
Once she is warmed to enjoying those little fly by hugs, try enticing her to let you hold her in bed or on the couch while you watch TV. Once she starts to relax when her mind is elsewhere and she is enjoying you holding her, you can start to offer her long hugs without the crutch of a tv blaring. She’ll be able to settle her nervous system to drop into a limbic connection with you. Just breathe deeply and lead her breathing so that she can really surrender in the hug.
Then you can begin to establish a pattern of holding her and layer on long, slow petting and stroking of her Zone 3* skin.
Make sense?
See how it escalates?
I owe you video answers. I won’t forget.
Love,
Susan
Watch this video about how to restart your woman’s libido and get her to love having sex with you again. <=== For Husbands Who Want More Sex
* Zone Theory is in the Sheri Winston interview inside Revive Her Drive. Sheri is also now one of our four Sex, Love & Intimacy coaches who provide one-on-one support when you have what feel like insurmountable issues or you are STUCK and need someone experienced to help you move forward positively. <=== Check Out Sheri’s Coaching Offer
