Re: The secret erotic language of the masculine mind.
I recently wrote about how to loosen up a conservative woman in bed. Andy, one of our 60 year old members wrote for my advice because sex has gotten more difficult over the last 35 years of his marriage. Linda struggles to have an orgasm and now thinks the LESS they have sex the easier it is for her to climax when they do. Andy was out of ideas to get his wife to have orgasmic pleasure with him. So I gave him my advice.
Lana read my advice and wrote to me:
“Dear Susan,
What if the problem is reversed? That it’s the man who refuses to talk about sex, desire, new techniques or anything physically, emotionally, or mentally involved with sex. Can you help me?”
— Lana, Fayetteville, NC
How do you get a man to talk about sex?
OVERCOME IGNORANCE AND SHAME
Yes! I can help you.
Lana, you haven’t told me if you have sex with this man, but I’m going to assume he is your partner and he is unwilling to have verbal conversations about sex.
If he won’t talk about sex, I imagine the sex with him isn’t very satisfying either. Good communication is required to get your sex on an upward pleasure spiral where it builds on itself and gets better and better.
Know this first and foremost: Q-TIP. Quit taking it personally, if you are.
No matter what, this is your man’s issue and is not something you’ve done or didn’t do.
If you have any guilt, just let that go. It won’t help you come to a solution.
Unwillingness to talk about sex is rooted in a combination of ignorance and shame.
So many men (and women) are raised in households where sex is taboo. They receive no modeling for how to discuss sex. They are left with a feeling that talking about sex is dirty or wrong. And they literally don’t have the words for it.
Plus, if there’s no conversation about sex, it’s likely he’s in the dark… generally ignorant of sexual knowledge.
The combination of ignorance and shame are keeping your guy locked up tight.
Inside his head are some limiting beliefs that are keeping him silent.
Eventually you’ll need to get underneath those beliefs to help him overcome them.
But you can’t start there.
Here’s my 3-step program for getting a sexual dialog going with your partner.
3 STEP PROGRAM FOR SEX DIALOG
1) Write him a letter he can read that pours out all your feelings.
2) Start talking to him about sex without expecting him to respond.
3) Create opportunities for him to win.
THE LETTER
When you write him a letter, just tell him what is in your heart. Describe your experiences. Make it about you. Your dreams. Your desires. Your experiences.
Stay away completely from the word, “you.” Stay in the, “I.” Do not place any blame. Just describe your experiences. That will give him insight into what’s going on in your mind.
This is where you can make your heartfelt request for him to open up verbally to you.
TALK ABOUT SEX
Start sharing out loud what you are thinking when you two are alone and sexual thoughts cross your mind. Become the model for positive sexual talk that he never received. Think about it like teaching a baby to talk for the first time. A baby needs to hear the words to begin to speak them.
If you can model positive sexual sharing, he will enjoy hearing what you have to say even if he’s tongue tied himself. Put no pressure on him to reply. Just give him your stream of consciousness. Let him hear what you are thinking.
LET HIM WIN
Every time he makes any progress at all, make a big fuss over him. Reward him for speaking up about anything sexually oriented. Acknowledge his progress. Give him a hug and a kiss.
If you make it not only safe, but rewarding for him to begin to talk about sex, the “charge” will go away and he will begin to open up.
Most importantly, bring your heart to this issue. It sucks for him to come from so far behind. And it’s not his fault. So give him tons of love and show him the light.
Lana, good luck with this process and please, let us know how you do.
I am expecting you to need Felicity Keith’s new program called, Language of Desire.
It shows you the secret erotic language of the masculine mind.
It includes a bonus called, “Silent Seduction,” which you could use immediately.
Thanks again for asking for advice. You are not alone in this issue.
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