If you think your wife has cheated on you, first let me say I’m sorry…
And let me suggest that there might be a silver lining, even in the troubled cloud of infidelity.
Distance yourself from your hurt for a moment…
Remove your judgement about “what should be” and look at what IS…
Consider the possibility that IF your partner had an affair, they might simply have been trying to get their needs met while staying with you in your marriage.
Often, cheating is a way a partner tries a “work-around” in a sexless marriage.
Sometimes the platonic relationship into which your marriage devolved is still pleasurable enough to stay, even if your partner compromises and gets their physical needs met elsewhere.
I’m not ADVOCATING infidelity – please don’t misunderstand my intention here. I’m offering you an alternative perspective. What if your spouse did you a favor by cheating? Why is it a favor?
If you can keep the “green eyed monster,” which is jealousy, in check, you will see that infidelity can create many openings for deepening your understanding of each other’s ever-changing needs within your partnership.
Because infidelity is both a wake up call AND a call for help.
Perhaps your partner tried to get their needs met AND stay with you.
The more you can stand for yourself in your marriage and be truthful about your needs as independent people, the more chance you have of working back to a pleasurable connection.
Another benefit of your partner’s infidelity is their additional sexual experience.
When you are with a new lover it can be exciting experiencing the fresh terrain of a new sex partner.
This excitement can be brought back to the marriage, if you are willing to learn new ways of loving.
What would it take for you to be physically intimate with your partner again?
Go deep inside yourself, disconnect from the hurt you are feeling and the judgements you are holding and answer yourself honestly.
What would it take for you to be physically intimate with your partner again?
Then share this with your partner and see if you can build a bridge back to a love relationship starting with compassion for your partner’s situation and compassion for yourself.
If your issue was a mismatched libido – you or she wanted more or less sex than the other partner – check out Revive Her Drive which is a turn-around solution for couples who used to have good sex but lost their way to each other.
Either way, standing up for yourself will improve your marriage and improve yourself in the process… with or without your partner.
It’s Not ALL About You.
What, she, needs ….
You, better give her what she needs.
its your job as, the man to give it to her.
When, you, give her what she needs. She, will naturally give you, what you need,
Your, all, very welcome,
My wife was cheating with another man my friend for a long time before I found out told him to get out of our relationship she’s denying it but every one new expect me one year has past with emotions running high when out of the blue we talked about swapping with another couple not sure why but she wanted to try it was her that placed adds in sex shops looking for another couple only getting phone calls from single men used her number to talk to them so for a week she had five different men saying that they could please her sexually in a three some asking me can we do it with one until a couple replied to us I asked are you sure its what we want?? yes was her answer meeting with him I was nervous but she wasn’t anyway they fucked like rabbits forgetting I was there she wanted more encounters from that day and every day that week she was FUCKED hard but by different men as I watched amazed at how far she let them have her
Just to be clear I Nevr Raised a hand to her Ever nor was I anything but supportive I didn’t coddle her but i didn’t ever put her down She Actually Debased and ridicuked herself visciusly I could never understand why
Wow I am actually on Both sides of this My Ex wife and I inthe begnning of our marriage had a veryserious talk about this i was older than her by seven years and was concerned about her feeling like she had missed out on experiences that I had not So we Agreed on an open relatinship with mutually agreed on rules very simple things #1 was Never was an encounter to take place on Dedicated occasions unless previously discussed I E a birthday An anniversry family holiday ( Christmas etc) # 2 NEVER in our HOME ( That is our sacred space) this was particularly important to me as I am PAGAN by faith and tradition #3 NOT with Persons Intimately Connected to our lives Close Friends Relatives ( That sort of stuff gets Very Messy and Awkward very quickly. We had joined a swinging circle in West billings MT And were having a great time but The next thing I knew She was accusing m of infidelity ( In fairness one of my three Jobs I was working was bouncing at A strip club called T birds but there was NO Interactions allowed Between Dancers and staff the dancers were even discouraged from bringing their significant others to the club ) I tried talking to her but she just kept at it Then I get told by the Heads of the swinger circle that she is not welcome anymore because she is violating their rules I find outshe has been having unprotected sex outside of their events ( that freaked me out ) so I started keeping an eye out for other stuff I discovered she was sabotaging my condoms ( We had agreed no children until we were better both financially and for health concerns hers as she was too heavy to be able to sustain a pregnancy safely ( that statement from Her own gynecologist ) So our first anniversry Arrives I took off from work early to prepare A Memorable celebration for her I had made good overtime and had an extra 1,600 to put into this i had gotten her a beautiful evening dress with custom made longerie shoes and matching jewelry( Which I Made myself ) I got home and her car was un the drive way but the house was dark and the door was locked i went in thinking that she had had the same Idea And sure enough I hear her sounds of pleasure coming from the bedroom I go down he hall Quietly open the door and there she is being RAILED in OUR BED by my BEST Friend Charlie ( No Condom ) i just stood there for twenty minutes they finish I drop the gifts and then they see me She just looks terrified he is scrambling trying despratly to explain this situation I didn’t yell or scream I just looke at her and said ” you don’t want to be here Pack a bag and get out ” him I didn’t say anything to I Did Dump him in front of an Emergency room though I even called the sheriff to turnmyself in they told me I had not done anything wrong he was alive and getting help they even told me I could have the two of them arrested as they have laws on the books concerning Adultery The Long and short of it though is that after that i spent a long time doubting myself until I realized I was not at fault for anything Other than talking myself into that marriage I SOLD MYSELF SO SHORT I WAS My OWN BERNIE MADEOFF now I will only Make that kind of investment if my partner PROVES they Are WORTHY of that Kind of Trust
That is all bull! My husband is cheating and thinks I’m supposed to just let it play out to see if he wants the whore or wants to do the right (the right thing is his own term) and come back to me. Right now he is at home with me, but he’s highly pissed because I let the whore know that we are having sex while he’s home with me. He’s cheating on his whore with his wife, but acts like I’m the whore, and the whore has a right to expect him to be faithful to her (even though he isn’t). He intends to take the whore back to FL to shack up with him after the first of the year. They started committing adultery in Oct. and spent part of Oct., all of Nov. and part of Dec. shacked up down there. Everyone thinks I’m an idiot for wanting him back, and I know that I am. He says he doesn’t want to hurt me, but you can’t rip someone’s heart and life to pieces and not hurt them.
There is no honor in a cheater! If your spouse or partner isn’t making you happy, you have the responsibility to communicate what you need to them! Cheating is a filthy thing!
Well, i for one cannot blame my Wife for cheating on me!! i have a micro-penis and i have no stamina…i once came as soon as She took Her bra off…never even got to Her panties!! i don’t blame Her and i told Her so. i told Her She could keep on cheating since there was no chance i could ever please Her…my only request was to please pick Men that She wouldn’t fall in love with!! i hope we are married forever, i am more than lucky to have Her…under any circumstance!! Yes, you are welcome to call me a cuckold, submissive, sissy, anything you like, but i have a Hott Wife that almost ANY Man would want!! Susan, your ideas and suggestions have very much helped us, and i Thank You!! Glen
dump her !! period!! man up!! That pussificvation!! So she just gets away with it !!I tell u what i would say let me poke someone on the side for awhile and then we we will come back and exchange notes !! lol!!
That’s not a good idea, honey. She had an affair because she wasn’t getting what she needed. No one is perfect. This is simply a wake up call that this couple needs to work together on their relationship.
Yes, my wife cheated on me and I discovered it. She admits to one guy for six months but I’m now pretty sure she had another guy for a year or so before that.
Personally I think both strands of thought on this thread are right. Yes it was a signal that things were not at all right between us. Equally, I think my wife rediscovered the fact that she likes to have two guys on the go. She often had more than one boyfriend in her late teens and early twenties. She does not see a moral problem in this and it obviously “does something” for her.
Luckily, the sexual infidelity bothers me a lot less that it would other men. I’m not happy about it, but it hasn’t gotten “under my skin”. What bothers me is the deception and lying (obviously), but also the hypocrisy. She would hate it if I saw another woman. The whole situation is asymmetric. It’s OK for her to have sex with other men, but not for me to have sex with other women.
I am a good lover, and she says I am better than the other guys. That’s not the point. She wants more than one man.
I’m sorry-but I couldn’t get the Movies out of my head-her-with another man. It wasn’t my lack of technique, or skills(which I initially thought). She told me later that we were incredible together-she just was not ready to be with one man. I guess I’m too “Old School”. If her needs are not being met-she should talk to me about it, openly-and seek therapy. It only happened to me once-many years ago. I think that this ‘Monogamish’ thing might be good for some-but not me. I’ve always been totally faithful to my partners. I do NOT find another partner, sleep with her, then break up with my current lover-that’s manipulative, and selfish. I expect the same treatment in return. If we are both dating multiple partners, that’s different.
I understand what Susan is saying. I also believe that though cheating happens, it doesn’t “just” happen, in the same way that I don’t “just” decide to drive my car into a brick wall at high speed (unless I’m mentally incapacitated by illness, drugs, or injury). There is something very fundamental going on when a Partner cheats, just as if that same Parter decided to drive into a brick wall – with the other Parter strapped in the passenger seat!
Each Partner will react differently based on their own beliefs and also on the agreements that were made with their beloved. But here is the bottom line…
No matter what your beliefs or values are and no matter what your agreement with your Parter was, IF one Partner behaves in a way that is inconsistent with your values and the agreement you made with them, then they have violated your agreement and gone against your values and have not respected your beliefs, your values, or you as a person in the relationship. And for most people, this is DEVASTATING to their trust, emotional safety, and therefore, the very foundation of their relationship.
It feels like your Partner has driven into a brick wall with you trapped in the passenger seat – because essentially that is what happened – yes, “even if…” their needs were not being met or they were not able to ask for what they needed – the outcome is the same – the relationship hits a brick wall and often BOTH Partners feel it.
It is never about the sex itself, but what the Partner felt and did before, during, and after. Consider if the Parter had been sexually assaulted with all the same acts that were committed during the cheating – this would be viewed totally differently (most likely) by the other Partner. Why? Because of the INTENTIONS of the Parter – the feelings and actions before, during, and after the events.
When the agreement violating behavior is desired, chosen, and voluntary, the pain for the other Partner of what the cheating Parter FELT and DID is VERY REAL and it HURTS because it rips as the very fiber of your Love Relationship Bonds.
It often feels like a death, much like being driven alive into a brick wall, and can result in similar hysteria and reactions of absolute despair and temporarily insanity as if there was a real or impending death. And just like in so many real or impending tragedies, the other Partner was given NO CHOICE in the matter, but in this case the decision to REMOVE the other Partner’s choice was VOLUNTARY on the part of the cheating Partner.
This element can be particularly frustrating, as the very and only reason sex (mental, emotional, physical, romance, all forms that are outside of your values and agreement) with someone other than your Partner BECOMES cheating is when you deceive them about it – that IS the definition – otherwise it is called “swinging” or polyamory or something other than cheating.
It is about the utter destruction to the very foundation of the relationship: the agreement and the trust placed into each Partner by the other to uphold that agreement, which includes TALKING TO each other in order to make any changes to, or to make a new agreement BEFORE you assume the other persons would agree. This IS the trust placed into the relationship agreement by both Partners. This IS the intimacy between them that is so precious and is guarded by the wall of TRUST around it.
When that wall is pierced, when that trust is damaged, it destroys the intimacy it guarded and it must be repaired so the intimacy can be restored and therefore, for the relationship to continue growing and existing as a love bond.
Otherwise, it is over. The agreement is broken. The wall of trust is toppled. And the precious intimacy that lays inside simply evaporates. Some things can not be repaired.
However, with FULL and TOTAL SURRENDER by both Partners, total vulnerability, total honest, and total commitment (with which the cheating would not have happened in the first place), though the original wall of trust and the intimacy is guarded is GONE, new trust and new intimacy CAN grow. This is what Susan refers to above, I believe, when she talks about it being an opportunity for growth. I agree.
However, it does require some pretty substantial shifts in beliefs, values, behaviors, and attitudes towards each other, along with total commitment and fidelity to a new agreement, whatever that may be, in order to even have a chance.
It is sad to see so many couples part ways without even knowing healing is an option. It is also so sad to see so many couples with attachment injuries, including infidelity, stay together, but miss out on feeling the trust and intimacy again due to their damaged love bonds, their unhealed relationship wounds.
Susan is right. People DO cheat and it DOES happen, but it doesn’t “just” happen. When free will is in play, then it is a CHOICE and the most devastating aspect for so many betrayed partners is the willful choice of their Partner to violate their agreement and not have enough respect for themselves, the other Partner, or the relationship in the first place to give the other Partner the courtesy of notification of a change in the agreement.
The emotional wounds created to the relationship and to each Partner are not healed with time alone and psychologically Partners do not just “get over it.” However, they can grieve the loss of the trust and intimacy and the violated relationship and release their pain and IF the cheating Partner is willing to heal the wounds with the other Partner then a new agreement becomes possible, along with new trust and new intimacy.
This takes effort and maturity and growth to a place BEYOND where the Partners and relationship was at the time of the cheating in order to carry on. Otherwise history simply may repeat itself. The choices, and the behavior, and the damage can never be undone, just like a bell cannot be unrung.
However, it can mended and made a part of a continuing love story, another chapter, an opportunity for growth, for both Partners, but the story does not write itself. Both Partners must pen those lines together and in agreement, for it to read anything like a love story, rather than an angry, painful mess of scribbles, as both may flounder to find their way out of the suffering of being in a relationship that is not healed nor thriving.
Cheating lasts forever. The story is pressed in the pages of history. However, the pain can be softened by new commitment, new trust, new intimacy, and new love, and new pages with much happier plots can be stacked, and eventually there can be joy and peace again. History is never forgotten, however it doesn’t have to dictate the future.
I think if cheating Partners were given a chance to go back and make a different choice, perhaps to simply work on their primary relationship, or ask for what they need, or address the root of why they strayed, or as a minimum give the other Partner the common courtesy of being advised of the change in the agreement in a timely manner (like a business arrangement as a minim) – most would make that choice. Our true nature is love, not hate. Our true desire is for safety, peace, and pleasure, not chaos, anger, and suffering.
And worst of all, the very first person that gets deceived is the person that cheats. By definition, they must deceive themselves in order to cheat, as it involves deception of at least one person that they, at one time, made an agreement with, and now they are violating that agreement, which means they are violating the very values and beliefs on which they made that agreement.
Growth opportunity, yes. Best option to drive growth, probably not. How much suffering could be saved with just one simple shift to allow all parties to remain at choice by remaining informed (even if the are angry about it or hurt)? Almost all of it. People just want to be respected as human beings with feelings. Why do we as fellow humans with our own feelings seem to take that so lightly and forget that so easily?
If you want to break the agreement, then do it, but just let them know. Don’t treat them in a disrespectful manner just because you want to change the agreement. As Susan says, STAND FOR YOURSELF and make your choices, but don’t be a coward and hide behind deception and lies…own your decisions and treat people with respect.
This is the reason I never cheated on my Partner. Because I love and respect myself too much to violate my own values and beliefs and I respect my Partner enough to inform her if I were to want to change our agreement. It isn’t that complicated, when you decide to stand for yourself and respect yourself and your Partner. Now go have amazing hot sex with whomever you want – just don’t be a coward and disrespect yourself and your other Partner(s) by lying about it. Now go give your Partner(s) incredible pleasure!!
Thank you for the post! I think you are 100% right on, from the perspectives of both the cheater and the cheated.
The loss of trust is key and hardest to regain ( in my opinion). Even therapists are short of answers and solutions…The road to healing is long and painful but possible! PEACE
I am really shocked by this article. How can anyone promote infidelity as being OK? Infidelity and unfaithfulness are the major reasons why marriages fail. Stop teaching lies, it will only make you lose credibility. Humans are not animals, morals is the major thing that make us superior to the animals and I am really alarmed at how our thinking is becoming more and more animalistic.
Thanks for your comment, Rex. I hope you notice that I did strongly say that I do not advocate infidelity. But it happens. And then you pick up the pieces and try to figure out what went wrong and how you can show up for each other in a better way going forward, or in many cases, you divorce. It is not my place to judge what the heart needs at that point. I am here to offer alternative perspectives.
Susan, my wife cheated on my and I came to you and you told me that this could be an opportunity to turn things around. You told me to put my anger to the side and grab my Relationship Values page and go over it with her and re-define our relationship. And that was a year ago. We are still together and going strong a year later. Your advice worked. Your program works. Although it’s not cool for anyone to cheat, sometimes people talk the loudest with their actions (because the haven’t been taught to use their words). My wife let me know by her cheating that she was not happy and what we both needed to do to get what we both needed from each other to be happy. Sure I wish she would have just told me instead of screwing the first guy the winked at her, but she realized that that was not what she wanted. What she wanted was for us to be happy and your program started working when we got serious about making our 24yr marriage work. Thanks Susan! keep doing what you’re doing!
To hear from you year later and know that Relationship Values helped gives my heart great joy. I’d love to know what your values were.
And I’m so pleased for you.
I am using relationship values and hope my wife will “play along”! She had an affair. We went through the wholle deal, including her divorcing me…for 17 days…because she couldn’t handle my muted anger and her guilt together, though I was determined to forgive. All told, out of the house 90 days. AFTER 35 years of marriage.
One. You cannot wipe away 35 years of fidelity in an affair unless YOU as a man do so. Two. Yes, man, it hurts. Get past it, it was a symptom, not the problem most likely. Go find the problem, but START FORGIVING if this Woman means a lot to you. Three, your relationship died right there BUT! PERFECT chance to decide to drop the bags from the past after getting them all out and talking, and build something new, vibrant, better. Depends on what she wants too.
5 months into our rebuild it’s so much better. I make myself ‘shut up’ when the doubt hits. That’s my little boy talking. I STRONGLY urge you to read “Protect Your N.U.T.s.”, it’s a man’s guide. Apply these principles of Susan’s. Pray if you have a Higher Power. Whatever the outcome, you will grow. You’ve stood in one of your worst fears and found out you won’t die, right? You’re stronger. Bless you, I’m SO sorry for the hurt (it’s awful), but you CAN forgive, you can still love. My Woman (please note the capital on Woman. Respect) is amazed that her man has the courage and love for her to forgive it and, after talking through it, let it be forgiven. Your ball Bro’
I am so glad that you found a way to forgive and begin to forget… to move on in the positive rebuilding of a new level of relationship. Affairs can be a tremendous catalyst to bring a couple together. I applaud you.
Don’t be shocked Rex. Basically when reading an article like this women are subliminally turning guys/husbands in to cuckolds, that was the plan all along. When you get right down to it, it’s the old “Alpha Fucks, Beta Bucks” As usual when a women cheats it’s always something the husband did do or did not do. As usual the Man is always at fault for a woman’s cheating ways. Sadly Many Men are falling for this trick. Susan did say she does not advocate it, but something tells me she won’t condemn it either. We live in a fem centric world now, whatever a woman does wrong will get twisted in to the fault of the Man. Glad you see through this also. Great info here on PLM but it is designed to use a Man as a cuckold/doormat. I have emailed Susan personally on this between the lines issue and was politely brushed off. Glad you and other Men can see through this!
MASSIVE UPVOTE PROPS FOR KEVIN!
I respectfully disagree with this author or blog article on cheating and Infidelity alternative perspective ..no no no..people who cheat men and women for .what ever reason …I beleive it still lie ,fraud and deception…People are afriad to communicate to their partner and address issue. that effect their relationship or marriage..and the out coming can be devastating and even led to death….solution :way your options seek professional counsling or help…let stop lying to our partners and be truthfull..we all deserve the truth..peace
I will begin by saying my wife and I were in the lifestyle together several years where it was not unusual foe either or both of us to have other partners for recreational sex. Having sex is not the same as making love with your primary partner. We found as many other couples have found that the experience enriched our relationship as a devoted couple. We became more intimate with each other on many levels and our communication with each other became much better. I consider it a very generous act of love to encourage my wife to explore and experience more of her feminine sexuality, Honestly, I did have ambivalent feelings the first time she had sex with another man we had agreed upon but her obvious pleasure and the independent affirmation of her femininity eliminated any feelings of jealously. Her additional experience and mine enhanced our lovemaking and made us more loving as a couple. I fell in love with my wife all over again. As the previous comment suggested we later did invite friends to join us for a shared experience.
Thanks for the thoughtful comments. This is a very painful subject for a lot of people, so it’s good to see some helpful discussion about it!
hey that is awesome. inveite her to bring her partner and you all can make out and learn from each other. Then youll have one big family and friends for life, her pussy is her’s and you are lucky to be able to shareit. it’s certainly not yurs so lighten up man!
Gab, I don’t think she is responding to someone but just trying to offer a different perspective on how you might try to look at a particular situation. No body said anything about her pussy not being hers. Gab… Have you ever had any one be unfaithful to you? I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Probably the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced. Anyway that’s all she was saying and it is actually some pretty smart shit. Have a good day.
how many k’s do I have already?