“I just have to confess to you, the idea of my wife, or any woman for that matter, giving me a blow job just makes me feel so bad.”
Hey Lollipop,
Let’s get real about sex and intimacy.
In this email conversation, I’m going to share a topic that often gets tangled up in societal expectations and personal discomfort: oral sex.
Devon shares his honest confession about feeling uneasy with the idea of his wife performing oral sex, and I’m here to offer a different perspective.
It’s time to shed some light on the pleasure and connection that can come from this intimate act and to challenge the cultural norms that might be holding us back.
“Dear Susan:
I have replied and conversed with you before, so I hope this email finds you well and happy! I just have to confess to you, the idea of my wife, or any woman for that matter, giving me a blow job just makes me feel so bad.
I feel it is such a demeaning position to put a woman in, and I would much rather have her kissing me than putting her mouth down there.
Do women actually enjoy giving men that pleasure??? I just feel so, so bad that my wife would have to do that to me.
When we first got married, she went down on me, and I just felt so bad that she felt she had to do that. Shortly after she started, I told her she didn’t have to and let her try something else.
I don’t know if she felt she HAD to do it or felt an obligation or if she enjoyed it.
I just felt so uncomfortable that she was actually doing that. I truly felt bad, and we have never done that since. I care too much for her to have to do that. I would much rather be pleasuring her than for her to do that.
Am I alone with this??? Do other men feel bad about their lovers giving them a blow job???
I would so much more enjoy intercourse with her after she has really strengthened her vaginal muscles doing Kegels any day. The ability to have a woman squeeze you in that manner like she is internally milking you, is mindblowing!
Pilates and Kegel work can do that. Just wondering if you have encountered other men who feel bad about this. Looking forward to your response.
I appreciate you sending your email blasts and the work you do, informing and teaching us on the different ways we can create intimacy and physical love with our partners.
It is adult talk, but something that we aren’t born with or educated very well on. Thank you for your professionalism, expertise, and the caring way with which you share all of this with us.
Thank you,
Devon (name changed for privacy)
Hi Devon,
About a month ago, during Steak and BJ Day, I told Tim I was looking forward to giving him a blow job. We set a date for 5 pm so we could have two hours before getting up and making our steak dinner.
Tim had turned on the fireplace an hour before our date to warm up the bedroom. I took one of my Vitality Gummies with blood flow and libido botanicals and half of a Sex Bites from my
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(they take about an hour to come into effect).
Before 5, I entered the warm bedroom to set up our loverspace.
I put on a romantic playlist. Got out the lube, toys, hand towels, and glasses of water. I laid down the Fascinator bed protector.
Then I ladyscaped, trimmed my nails, and took a shower.
Tim came into manscape, trim and file his nails, and take a shower. I relaxed on the bed, chatting with him while he toweled off.
The very first thing he did when we began our date was to give me a Yoni massage.
I joked that I hoped I remembered how to orgasm. We’d gone about three weeks since our last lovemaking date. I’ve been having some weird stomach issues flare up, was traveling, and caught a terrible cold. I finally felt well enough for a lovemaking date.
One of the things I love about Tim is his eternal patience. He never, ever rushes me. He goes with the flow.
It took a half hour of consistent Yoni massage for me to get to the point where I was turned on enough to want more. Going three weeks without any genital pleasuring made my labia feel like it was congested and flaccid. The tissue was tender, ropey, and sinewy. It had no spring, resilience, or bounce to it.
He started where my legs meet my torso, all the way down to the bottom of my outside labia, and all the way up along my mons pubis. It felt best to be touched on the lower half of my outer labia, so he started there.
Then I wanted the mons caressed back and forth from one side to the other. The blood began flowing in the bottom of the labia and then up at the top. He then moved to the center of my outer labia and that started to get fluffed up. There were a few “dead spots” of tissue that needed extra massage.
He would stroke across my inner labia, clitoral hood, shaft, and glans, but that was just a touch that happened on the way around the outer areas of my vulva. It wasn’t like he was TRYING to make me come. He wasn’t. He was focused on helping me become engorged.
Then I asked him to use the
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on me. I was ready for more stimulation, but not specifically clitoral stimulation. The Vibe is the smoothest and easiest Yoni massage tool in my pleasure chest. It’s also very, very quiet.
He did start gently pleasuring my clitoral hood, shaft, and glans too, but again, more for the engorgement than trying to give me orgasms.
He is in no hurry, which helps me relax so I can begin to climb my arousal ladder. (This is how women’s bodies work. We are much slower to get erect than our men.)
At some point, I started getting turned on. But I didn’t want his fingers inside me. I was ready to give him a break and offer him some pleasure. I laid him down on his back. Put pillows under his legs. Sidled up to him and started playing with his penis.
Slowly, I caressed him with my hands and mouth while he just relaxed. I gave him incredible oral — doing all sorts of long and short strokes, using my hands and mouth together, putting his penis between my teeth and cheeks on each side… I have a million techniques, many of which I learned in our Steamy Sex Ed Video Collection.
I did that for as long as I wanted. We just relaxed and felt so connected. It was hot and sexy. And the throatgasms opened up my Yoni even more.
The more contractions I had in my mouth, the more my pussy opened and got turned on. It’s one system, so it works together to increase pleasure.
Soon, I was ready to have him inside me. And right now, I am in love with being on top. I love sliding down on his cock and watching it go all the way inside me. I love smothering him with my body. I love my boobs hanging down and hitting his face. He loves the way they feel when they are enveloping him.
He moved up from his power-bottom position to rock with me during our lovemaking. He wasn’t lying there taking it, he was giving as well as getting.
I had a bunch of orgasms, coming over and over and over. And I was the woman who, a couple of decades ago, almost got divorced because I wasn’t having orgasms from intercourse. I just had to learn how like almost all women. We aren’t born knowing.
These are learnable skills, just like orgasmic oral pleasuring. You have to know it’s possible and find your way to it.
This was such a fun date. We lay there after he came and rested in each other’s arms. Then we got up, had dinner, and watched a rom-com. The perfect steak and BJ day.
So, when you ask me about blow jobs being demeaning, I will tell you that you are suffering from religious repression and cultural shaming.
This is exacerbated by porn showing fellatio as something that men like and that makes women gag and their mascara run down their faces. This is misogynist programming. You and your wife are victims of censorship of pleasure-based sexual information.
When you feel bad for your wife wanting to suck your cock, you are by accident repressing her. You have taken away the opportunity for her to light up her entire body from throat to pussy. You have denied her orgasmic oral.
And it wouldn’t surprise me that you don’t go down on her. She has probably been trained by your behavior to think putting mouths on genitals is “dirty.” So she’s likely also not getting any good pussy eating, which is massively orgasmic for you both as well.
It’s not your fault that you’ve defaulted to this repression.
That is how repression is used to control people. I just hope that your curiosity in writing to me is the beginning of you being open to throwing off the shackles you’ve been under.
And I hope you and your wife will start watching the Steamy Sex Ed Video Collection together and trying the techniques you see demonstrated by our relatable couples.
This is the pleasure-based sexual education that can transform your already great sex life into one that is unmatched by all the others still caught in the miasma of external control.
You have one sex life to live. Take some risks. Throw off the programming that no longer serves you. Find pleasure in your growth, and let me know how it goes.
