“Women are indeed the selectors, aren’t they?”
Did you catch last week’s excerpt from my “lost chapter,” “How To Turn Your Mate Into Your Sexual Soulmate”of Arielle Ford’s new book? This excerpt drew a particularly large number of positive responses from my fans and followers. Here are just a few + the next chapter:
To catch you up in case you missed it, here is the first excerpt from last week (the next excerpt is below) ==> “Why We Are ‘Serial Monogamists’ AND ‘Serial Cheaters’ (He has glorious ambitions to give her 7 kinds of O’s in 7 different positions.)”
“What a great email. I was captivated by its content. I need more!!!!” — Michael
“A very stimulating article.” — Joseph
“Great read, Susan.” — Renata
“Wow just wow, a beneficial article and eye opener.” — Ryan
“Yes, very good.” — Johanna • “Really insightful and revealing.” —Muhammad • “Thanks, Susan. Interesting read.” —Russ • “Loved the article!!” —Gerald • “This piece is good. Thanks.” — Sunny • “Thank you for doing what you do! I love and appreciate your work.” —Alice • “Very valuable.” —Ramnath
“Excellent! Please continue to send more.” — Mike
OK! Here’s more. This is the second excerpt from the “Lost Chapter” (the publisher deemed it too risqué) of Arielle Ford’s new book, “Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate.”
Susan: Men’s desire for intimacy and connection in lovemaking has been severely underestimated in our culture. Men crave intense, passionate surrendered sexual experiences with their lady loves. Men want a sexual soulmate as much as women do,
A man feels like a man through consistent intercourse. When sex dries up, part of his masculine confidence withers, along with his tool. But in order to feel truly vital, he needs more than just sex. He needs to know he’s giving his woman incredible pleasure. Fundamentally, he’s competing with other men past, present and future to gain access to a woman. If he makes her feel great, she’ll invite him back. Competition and the drive to delight her in the bedroom compels men to collect sexual techniques. He has glorious ambitions to give her seven kinds of orgasms in seven different positions if she’ll allow him.
Arielle: You use the word, “allow.” That is interesting. Women are indeed the selectors aren’t they, not only in their mates but also in what they allow men to do with their bodies! So what techniques do you offer for men and women to facilitate this kind of trust?
Susan: Yes, Allow is the key word here. We teach three layers of simple interpersonal insights to create a safe atmosphere for trying new things in the bedroom. Expanding your sexual palette can trigger some very deep fears unless you know these navigational tools.
1. First, he needs to win.
Men need to be recognized for all the things they do right. A common core fear of men is, “I’m not doing it right.” It’s almost a cliche that men’s egos get bruised if you “correct them” in the bedroom. Think, “small wins, and lots of them.” Every time he does something right, show your appreciation. Make a little fuss over him. Even if he has a lot of room for improvement, emphasize what IS working.
2. Secondly, love your body as much as he does.
How women talk about themselves has a deep impact on how a man feels about himself. Guys want to feel like winners. So don’t his judge his preferences. One of his preferences is YOU. Every time you berate or criticize yourself, or your own body or sexual abilities you’re actually making him feel like he’s doing a bad job choosing you. Men love their woman’s bodies. They don’t see cellulite; they don’t see saggy stuff. They are just thrilled to be intimate with their woman. Once you let go of worrying about how you look, and start noticing how good he’s making your body feel, you’ll be able to be present with him in the moment. That’s when the interplay of lovemaking finds the path to rapture.
3. Third, notice what’s triggering you.
Much of the time it’s the woman who isn’t as interested in sex as often as the man because of the ennui that settles into a monogamous relationship. That creates a discordance in their intimacy. Women are naturally more slow to turn on and struggle more to turn their minds off. If he can’t find a way to give her pleasure, or she won’t let him pleasure her and the sexual union fades, he can become bitter and emotionally checked out. Lack of sexual intimacy causes the schism that ultimately rots out the relationship.
She puts all her affection or attention onto the children or her job. He yearns for her tenderness. He stops being nice to her. They start bitching at each other. Then they file for divorce.
Sometimes it’s his lack of libido. For men, like women, the lack of libido comes from issues with vitality and from pain — both emotional and physical. Pain tamps down desire for both men and women. I suggest actively fixing or working around the source of his pain instead of blaming it on his libido.
The problem isn’t his or your libido per se… The problem is underneath. Get to the root of the issue. Where does the pain originate?
Arielle: So, by pain you mean emotional distress as well as physical problems. What kind of emotional pain prevents couples from becoming sexual soul mates?
Susan: Mostly fear. Fear of being vulnerable. Notice when you get triggered. Become aware at a meta-level when you are fearful or get upset about something and ask yourself, What is it? Often there is one core fear and when you can discuss it with your partner, you can create the level of trust required for sexual passion.
When it comes to talking about sex, couples often react defensively. The difference between men and women is that men tend to avoid emotional conversations and women generally are uncomfortable talking about sex. How can you be sexual soul mates if he doesn’t want to talk about it and she doesn’t want to talk about it? Happily, there are ways around these innate blockages.
Do these sound familiar?
“I don’t want to talk about it!”
“You’re always demanding sex and I don’t want more sex.”
“Why won’t you ever have sex with me?”
“Oh my god! I’m so bored. We do it the same way every time!”
“She will only do the missionary position.”
“My sex drive’s a 9 and hers is a 2 and I can’t see how it will ever work!”
All these complaints point to our classic fears of not being good or lovable enough. Our automatic response is to think ‘I’m not the kind of person who does that’ or worse we blame our mate by thinking, ‘You always get your way and I have to give into you.’ Whatever your triggers are, bring them into your awareness. When you do, you realize you are not reacting to your partner, the fear inside your own mind is pushing your buttons.
Fear traps us in a tiny little box. As a result, we lash out at the person closest to us. The real enemy is our fear and our lack of experience.
Many of our issues with sex stem from our collective lack of knowledge. It’s not your fault. Until trustworthy, caring sex education companies like mine came around in the 21st Century, how could you be aware that lack of information about sex is what’s destroying your intimacy? It’s the classic, ‘You don’t know what you don’t know,’ syndrome. How could you have known? Sex isn’t taught at church or school. Heck, most people feel like they come from a very stoic, prudish home environment and they are simultaneously bombarded with overly-sexual porn-informed media images.
Being able to take a witnessing perspective on the underlying issues and triggers that lead to our dissatisfaction helps tremendously in solving problems in the bedroom.
Bottom line: Make sure he is acknowledged for all he does. He wins! Regularly. Give yourselves the gift of loving your bodies today exactly as you are. Don’t squander the pleasure available to you. Finally, notice when fear triggers you. Then unpack your feelings to unearth what lack of experience or information is missing for you to feel confident, alive and joyful about your sexual potential.
Coming up next is a heart-melting intimacy technique you can use when you’re feeling afraid called, “The Best Hug in the World.”
If you see yourself in any of what you’ve read above, keep an eye out for this upcoming technique.
And if you’d like to learn more about your core fears and how to overcome them, watch this workshop with my dear mentor, Dr. Susan Campbell.
Watch The Replay ===> “5 Highly-Effective Strategies That Get Your Partner To Try New Things In The Bedroom… No Matter How Stubborn, Shy or Stuck In A Groove They Are.”
“He doesn’t care about me or my needs.”
“I’ll never get what I want.”
“I’m not good enough for you.”
“I’m not lovable or accepted as I am.”
The free online workshop Dr. Susan Campbell and I did was more actionable and straightforward than months of $250 sessions with a psychotherapist.
DR. SUSAN CAMPBELL IS AMAZING
Note, when you watch this Workshop you will be offered a link to purchase our Steamy Sex Ed Video Collection. When you click that link you will NOT be able to purchase because we are not currently offering Steamy until the next sale starts in a few months. We are SOLD OUT.
But you can get on the Early Notification List when you sign up there.
Take this time to fix any outstanding issues you have that are holding you back from loving yourself and your partner, or finding a partner to love and love you back.
Where are you getting triggered? What is your core fear?
Email me back when you’ve figured out your core fear. It is always helpful for me to know how you are evolving into the sexual pleasure being that you are so capable of becoming.
Coming next week: “Heart-melting intimacy technique you can use when you’re feeling afraid.”
Click here if you want to grab a copy of my darling friend Arielle Ford’s newest book. ==> “Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate.”
I have no sex for a more than 10 years because she was with someone else.
sex is fun.
Thank you thank you thank you