Ever wonder why you have the fantasies or sexual preferences that you do? According to Dr. Michael J. Bader, in his fascinating book, “Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies,” your fantasies were installed during childhood by your experiences with your parents. How SAFE you felt in the care of your family accorded you your particular sexual predilections.
Now this is just Bader’s theory. I reason that not ALL of the fantasies you have were set as children. Plenty of lovers come up with a fantasy that appeals to their partner, even if they never thought of it themselves. The wonderful moment when you shout out to a lover some kinky new desire and they are just as excited by the idea as you — those may not be fantasies you came up with to cope with your fear of abandonment or not being loved by your caretakers — your parents. Those I shall call, “additive.”
The fantasies the author characterizes are those fantasies that are driven from shame, guilt, and fear of being defective or unlovable in some way. . . The fantasies that may plague us in some way. . . “Am I the only one who wants someone to pee on me?” The fantasies and sexual preferences you have that may puzzle you are the fantasies Bader studied. He explains that your sexual preferences are extensions of your unconscious sexual fantasies.
Your sexual fantasies are created by your unconscious mind to make you feel safe enough to become aroused.
The unconscious management of safety begins when you are born. Why? Because we need to feel attachment-bonded to our caregivers to maintain our security. The human mind will do almost anything to feel safe in conditions where the parent is unhappy, insecure, weak, angry, intrusive, neglectful or rejecting. When our parents struggle, as children we are helpless to change their situation. But we can change ourselves. That is in our power as children. So we create elaborate coping mechanisms to maintain the authority and virtue of our parents and our relationship with them.
Many children suffer from guilt, worry and inhibition. If their parents were dour, the child feels guilty enjoying life. Some are worried that if they are too successful, their parents will abandon them. Nonetheless, pleasure and desire are always with us as humans. Desire is our life force. We WANT. We are driven in part by our hunger for sexual intimacy. But if we’re not safe, we can’t feed that hunger without a “work around.”
Ta da! The handy mind trip… The sexual fantasy!
We use fantasy as a way of assuaging our guilt over our desire.
You have unique sexual fantasies and preferences. And there are clusters of common fantasies with which you’re familiar. Fantasies like being fucked against your will. Of sex where you might get caught. Sex with strippers or prostitutes. Domination and submission. Multiple partners. Women in lingerie. Men wearing women’s clothing. Even the positions we prefer, how we like to be seduced, the way we like to talk about sex (or not), the kinds of people to whom we’re attracted, and the role-playing scenes we desire are wonderful schemes to enable you to express your lust in a way that meets your needs for not upsetting any of your safety strategies. Dr. Bader says each of these choices you’ve made entirely unconsciously are all highly symbolic. Our artful fantasy constructs get around our shame and guilt.
Are you thinking at this point, “Oh my god. What does it mean that I like, “fill in the blank with whatever it is that gets you all horny…”
Here are some examples to help you more clearly consider the kinky stuff your brain made up to keep you safe:
Being dominated, rape scenes, being the submissive or “bottom” can remove your own responsibility for your desire, let go of your guilt and worry because, “It’s not my fault.”
Fantasies with “magical amnesia” — I snap my fingers and that sexy woman completely forgets I had sex with her — assuage our guilt for our powerful sexual appetites.
Exhibitionist fantasies are frequently an antidote to feelings of shame and rejection.
Bader interprets a wide variety of the common clusters of fantasies including:
S&M, Golden Showers, Diapered and Treated Like A Baby, Voyeurism and Exhibitionism (Including Videotaping and Photographing Sex), Body Types and Sexual Arousal and more
Another set of deeply rooted unconscious beliefs that get your brain generating coping fantasy scenes come from being afraid of rejection, worries about not being “enough” or being perceived as defective in some way. Feelings of helplessness also require sexual fantasies to counteract a sense of powerlessness. When parents damage their child’s self-esteem by humiliation, neglect, disdain and absence, the child feels unlovable. If a parent is physically abusive, the child will feel like they deserve it. Again, this is because the need to be attached and loved and feel safe is so great, the child will assume it is his fault the parent behaves that way. Similarly, children who have been molested by a parent or adult often think they’ve done something to trigger the molestation.
Doesn’t it start to make sense that elaborate fantasies can provide cover for our insecurities? One of the most common pieces of advice I give men who want their woman to be more open sexually is to make sure they feel completely SAFE with you. Whatever safe is to that woman, be it that the doors are locked, you both had a full panel of STD tests, she wants to keep her corset on, you’ve groomed so you won’t scratch her, she wants to be held for a while before even kissing, you verbally let her know she’s sexy to you and you adore her… This is just a sample of ways women like to be made to feel safe by their lover.
We outsource our confidence to a prescribed fantasy scene, we have sex only women with giant breasts, we always want to be the bottom so we are certain we got you off… Whatever the fantasy, these are just examples, the bottom line is that if we feel scared we can’t get aroused. If we can’t get aroused, we become depressed. Sexual fantasy can be our crutch to negate the shame and rejection.
This puts an entirely new light on what we thought was our “taste.” Once we feel SAFE we can open ourselves to much more variety and novelty.
That’s very interesting too, because if you want to get your lady to want more sex with you, the single best way is to bring on the variety. Fuck her in a new place. Try a new sex position. Bring whipped cream. Just do it a new way and you’ll give her a dopamine dump. Dopamine makes her feel romantic love. The Oxytocin you generate from the sex makes her attachment bond to you. And voila, you make her feel safer and turn her on in new ways that instead of being “crutches” for her sexual (and other) insecurities are fantasies grounded in confidence, safety, security and love.
Which brings me to another interesting perspective in the book, “Arousal.” Dr. Bader says, “Sexual excitement also requires that we momentarily become selfish and turn away from the concerns about the other’s pleasure in order to surrender to our own.” He calls it a “healthy ruthlessness.” When you have a relationship where you do not need to feel ashamed of your sexual desire and are instead supported and commended, even cheered on buy your lover for surrendering to your passion, your lust and bliss and appetite can be nurtured and thrive.
Now that you have this new perspective on your fantasies, Bader says,
“Getting turned on involves transcending the past, counteracting dangers, disconfirming beliefs, undoing traumas, soothing pain, and finally, finally laying claim to pleasure.”
Yes! Finally laying claim to pleasure.
What a beautiful possibility.
If you are in a relationship now and would like to delve into your fantasies, we have a program that shows you exactly how to do that. It’s called, Be Her Sexual Trainer: How To Unlock Her Most Intense Sexual Responses. It’s part of Dr. Patti Taylor’s “Seduction Trilogy.” In this three ebook, 3 audiobook collection, you learn how to talk about your fantasies with each other. And decide which fantasies you’d like to act on, which are just sexy to talk about during lovemaking and which are simply fantasies designed to stay in your mind only.
If your partner is a woman who professes not to HAVE any fantasies, you can help remove her inhibitions and co-create some fantasies together that will make her feel SAFE.
If you have fantasies that you’ve never shared before, you can bring them to light now that you know they have been coping mechanisms to make you feel SAFE.
This is a very vulnerable area of conversation for any couple. But if you use the structure of communication you find inside The Seduction Trilogy, you can do it SAFELY together.