If you find yourself, like most of us mere mortals, triggered by people at times, you will want to read this. And if you’re perfect, read it anyway, because you can become an even more compassionate communicator.
My dear friend, Dr. Susan Campbell has just written a new book that integrates what psychologists know about how the way our parents raised us affects our core feelings and fears.
YOU’RE HIDING YOUR FEARS
Depending on your parent’s parenting styles, you did or didn’t get the secure attachment parenting you need to be emotionally whole. That leaves most of us with some wounds that make us react in various ways such as:
- Obsessing about what you did wrong or might have done wrong
- Acting impulsively without thinking through consequences
- Trying to “help” a person instead of expressing our feelings
- Making sacrifices for another, secretly hoping they’ll do the same for you
- Telling people what they want to hear instead of your truth
- Joking instead of being vulnerable
…and a myriad other evasive or hollow actions that supposedly protect us from feeling our fears, but actually create more distance from love.
Note: Remember that your parents did the absolute best they could with what they had at the time you were a child. If you harbor resentment, it’s best to forgive them and forget about the injustices. You can’t fix the past but you can cultivate compassion for them and for yourself.
HERE IS WHAT HAPPENS
So when you get triggered, when you react to your partner and get upset, it’s from a wound and core fear. Your body goes into alarm mode and starts to make up stories that make you feel upset. You get a knot in your stomach or a heavy chest. You feel frustrated or hopeless. And this is from a core fear such as being insignificant or rejected.
This is simply a loop that you can short circuit, once you know the genesis of your core fears and begin to recognize them for what they are… namely reactions to old emotions.
DO IT YOURSELF THERAPY
Within 5-Minute Relationship Repair, which is essentially a workbook for couples who want to try giving themselves therapy, you can identify your core fears and needs and become aware when you get triggered.
You can break the cycle of upset and hurt by pushing a “pause button” to let yourself calm down and become rational again.
You can begin to unwind the misunderstandings and learn to clear the air with an easy communication process outlined in the book.
And you can begin to do what is called, Coregulation together.
When you corregulate, you change your brain wiring and calm each other down.
Secure couples co-regulate often by touching, looking in each other’s eyes and giving each other hugs.
Here is an interview that I did with Dr. Susan Campbell in which we discuss co-regulation more deeply.
STOP SCARING EACH OTHER
If you find yourself in upset with a partner, friends or co-workers, it’s time to understand what triggers you and get it in check.
There is a plan for making your partnerships secure inside the book.
You can also use a strategy called, Compassionate Self-Inquiry for Inner Healing to help you get a leg up on emotions that run you.
This entire book will calm you down, ground you and increase your confidence in addition to making you easier to relate to.
Improve your relationships and communication skills today be understanding yourself and your partner more deeply.
IN JUST FIVE-MINUTES
Here is a link to Susan’s book on Amazon:
Here’s a link to my interview with Dr. Susan. Feel free to share this with your friends who most need a calming emotional intervention.
One of the most effective ways to feel loved in the way you want to feel love is to do your Relationship Values exercise inside Relationship Magic with your partner. After all, they can’t read your mind. So if you can’t clearly express your needs how will you get them met?