Episode 14 - Great Sex for Life with Krisanna Jeffery

Great Sex for Life with Krisanna Jeffery

Announcer:  This program is intended for mature audiences only.

[Music]

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Welcome to “On the Minds of Men – Uncensored Sex Talk” with me, your host Dr. Lori Buckley.  Today on the show we are talking about sexual growth and satisfaction and how to have great sex for life, something I know we all wonder about and wonder if it's even achievable.  So I'm excited.  It's a great topic.

Our guest today is Krisanna Jeffrey, author of “The Great Sex For Life Toolkit”.  It's such a wonderful book.  It's filled with these amazing exercises and gives couples step-by-step approaches and exercises and things that they can do to actually expand their sexual experience and satisfaction.

Krisanna is a sex educator trained at the Institute for Advanced Study for Human Sexuality.  She has been working with couples and individuals as a psychotherapist for almost 25 years.  So she knows.  She knows couples and she knows about sex.  She lives and works on Vancouver Island in British Columbia where she tells us the weather is fabulous there all the time.  So maybe we need to go check it out.

Krisanna has dedicated her life to helping others in achieving great sex for life and to be the best that they can be.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  I think that most people think the clitoris, which of course we know is the primary sex organ for the woman, most people think it's pretty small and it is just the tip of the clitoris that they are actually thinking about there.  A bit of reality - the clitoral system is as large as the penis when it's the whole system, which goes right down the whole vulva.  When it's all engorged it's about the same size as the penis and people don't really think about that.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  The most important thing would be to listen, listen, listen, listen to your partner and help your partner feel safe enough to ask for what they want.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  What can you tell us about misconceptions or beliefs about penises?

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Well the biggest misconception and the saddest one is that men should always be able to get a hard on on-demand.  And that is just so unfair.

[Music]

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Welcome Krisanna.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Thank you.  And thanks for such a great introduction.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Oh well, it's well deserved.  You know Krisanna, I'm really excited to have you with us today because, like I said this is a topic that I hear all the time.  Couples come in and they want sex to get better, not worse as time goes on.  And it's something that so many of us can relate to and don't really know where to even start.

So let's talk about how to do that.  How can couples create a satisfying sex life that lasts forever?  But before we go there, I really want to ask you why you think that so many people are unhappy with their sex lives.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Well Lori, as you know there are so many different reasons for that.  Part of it is that we have had just such poor sex education and role modeling in general that sex is still a taboo subject even though we like to think we are quite liberated as a culture.  We still don't talk easily about sex.  And people don't make sex a priority in their lives.  There is very little nurturing of people’s sexuality going on.  And our expectations are incredibly high.  You know, we watch pornography and we think that that's the way sex is supposed to be when that's not actually real sex that we are watching.  I mean it's not reality sex.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Right.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  People aren't having trouble getting a hard on.  They're not having trouble with lubrication.  They're not getting cramps in their legs.  You know what I mean?  It's not realistic.  So we have these huge expectations.

And we also have a cultural belief of blaming our partners for our poor sex instead of taking responsibility for change ourselves.  So those are just some of the reasons that I run into, but there are so many.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah, but I think it's a good starting point because when we are basing our sex life on these high expectations and on these misconceptions and false beliefs, it sets us up for some problems.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Totally.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah, where do we go from there if we have these ideas that are unattainable?  So let me ask you this.  In your book you write that the brain is our most powerful sexual organ and so this falls into what we are saying.  You also say that if we want more satisfying sex we need to be consciously aware of what's going on in the mind.  So I believe that based on what you are saying that these thoughts, these expectations and these beliefs probably interfere with that, with our satisfaction and with our sexuality.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So tell me what do we do to be aware of these thoughts and beliefs and how do they interfere?

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Well, I think first of all even being aware of what they are, which is why I did a chapter in the book on all the different types of belief that we can have about sexuality and even just to start with having a discussion with somebody, to have us become more conscious of what our beliefs are is kind of a baseline that has to happen.

And then there is just the constant thing of monitoring our thoughts, particularly during sex about what's going on and just starting to be more conscious.  We can't really have great sex if we are not conscious, sentient beings, you know.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Right.  And sometimes were not really aware of the thoughts that we have, some of the negative thoughts and beliefs that are even in our mind.  And in your book you do have some great exercises and really specific lists of what those thoughts and beliefs might be.

What do you think are the biggest ones that really negatively affect our sex life?

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Oh, that's a good question.  I'm sure it's going to be something to do with performance and self-worth.  Because if we are not feeling really good about ourselves it is really hard to ask for what we want and that’s, as you know, kind of essential for being able to have good sex, being able to ask for what you want.

So it may be beliefs about ourselves that are really the biggest problems, things that are making us feel insecure.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  I think that also falls into our body images, men's and women's, how we feel about our bodies and how we feel about our genitals.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yes.  Totally.  Totally.  All those kinds of beliefs for sure.  Yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Actually, let's talk a little bit about that.  In your book you have a whole chapter about anatomy, which is so important and I think we really have such little information.  So let's talk a little bit about female anatomy and what misconceptions do you think that most men and actually women as well have about the female genitalia?

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah, good question.  I think that most people think the clitoris, which of course we know is the primary sex organ for the woman, most people think it's pretty small and it is just the tip of the clitoris that they are actually thinking about there.  A bit of reality - the clitoral system is as large as the penis when it's the whole system, which goes right down the whole vulva.  When it's all engorged it's about the same size as the penis and people don't really think about that.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  It’s true.  So a lot of men go directly for that little dot.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Right.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Some don't even know where it is – the clitoris.  It's a good thing to know.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  But you're right, there is so much erectile tissue that women have in their whole vulva.  And I know this to be true that women don't even know about it.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  That’s right.  That's right.  And if that erectile tissue is not being engorged, it would be like men trying to have sex without having an erection.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So that's why it's really important to take the time to really build up that sexual arousal.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah.  And why we take a little bit longer.  But we really, if we are aroused sufficiently, the arousal doesn't take as long as we think.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Not if the desire is there, you know. If the basic desire is there then arousal doesn't take that long.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So speaking of desire, because we know that that's a big thing.  I mean I'm sure you see it.  I know I do and pretty much everyone I talk to in our field.  People who are coming in are coming in because there is a lack of desire.  This is men and women by the way.  But in this show we are talking to men mostly.  So tell me, what do you think men can do to help facilitate desire in their partner?

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Well, I think first of all we have to remember that we are all essentially responsible for our own desire level because it's too easy to think that we are responsible for our partner’s desire.  Then all the emphasis and all the responsibility are kind of misplaced.

I think we have to just remember that we are responsible for our own desire because our desire is the result of the combination of our body’s general health and what's going on in our mind.  So above sort of basic things like good hygiene, I would say that the most important thing would be to listen, listen, listen to your partner and help your partner feel safe enough to ask for what they want.

So basically I'm talking about being open to working on relationships, to put the emphasis on being open to that and that will create this desire right there.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  It’s not about technique.  It's not about what can I do to drive my partner wild.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah, so it's not a thing to do, but a way to be.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah, very well put.  Very well put.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah, and we know that men do a lot and I can get in the way of good sex rather than the being.

Krisanna Jeffrey: Yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So what I hear you saying is the idea that men, if they create a safe place and an open place to communicate, which like you said at the beginning is so important to be able to have great sex, to having this open line of communication where you can discuss things that you are concerned about or maybe address some of these beliefs and some of the things that are going on in your mind or maybe even things that you like or don't like, things that you would like to try to keep the sex exciting.

When we think about great sex for life, there are so many things.  So some of it is just, “OK, we need to address these things right now of what's happening in our relationship and what's happening in our brains.”  How does it change over time when we are with somebody?  Why do you think it gets less satisfying instead of more satisfying?

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Well, you know for some people it is more satisfying over time.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  For some.  But I think it is the minority.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Well yeah, as therapists we hear about the ones that are not.  But I think it's important for people to realize that it is possible for sexuality to grow and develop and mature into something beyond what most people even consider possible.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  So you know, we have a fairly negative idea about staying with one partner for a long time because so often it does go stale because we are not willing to actually nurture it.  But as we age, you know it's not like we have a time where all of a sudden sexuality is not an issue anymore or desire goes completely south.  It's just a slow, gradual decline, as you know, from the time we are about 20.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah.  It doesn't happen overnight.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So we do need to nurture it.  We know it is possible because couples do achieve that.  And what are they doing other than the nurturing or maybe how can we tell our listeners to do that nurturing?

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Well a big factor is your general health.  Because as long as you are healthy you will be sexually active and you will have desire.  A healthy body is a horny body.  So they are paying a lot more attention to their health, I think, the people that are continuing to have good sex.  And they are taking responsibility for their relationship and what's happening in it.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So emotional health and physical health.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah, I would say.

[Music]

Dr. Lori Buckley:  OK.  Well I'll tell you what, right now Krisanna we need to take a little break, just a quick break.  But we will be right back.  And we are going to continue talking with Krisanna about how to have great sex for life.

I'm your host Dr. Lori Buckley.  You are listening to “On the Minds of Men” and we'll be right back.

[Commercial]

[Music]

Dr. Lori Buckley:  We’re back.  You are listening to “On the Minds of Men”.  I'm Dr. Lori.  We are talking to Krisanna Jeffrey about sexual growth and how to have great sex for life.

We were just talking before the break about health, about emotional health, about physical health.  What else do you think is really important for our listeners to know about sexual growth?

Krisanna Jeffrey:  I think that most people don't seem to have a concept of sexual growth.  You know, we think about physical growth and emotional growth but we don't actually have a concept.  So I think the most important thing is to have the idea that sexuality is something that grows and expands it matures and has a potential as opposed to something that is huge when we are in our 20s and then dwindles from there on.

There is always more to learn and grow when it comes to our sexuality.  Our sexuality is like who we are so if we don't think of it as something that expands, then we just start to stifle our growth and, you know start to die instead of continue to grow.  So it's the concept I find that it's kind of lacking.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So part of it is just education.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yes.  Totally.  Yes.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So listeners, you are in the right place.  That's what this is about.  It's about educating yourself and continuing to learn and grow.  And that's what we're here for.  So hopefully you're getting some good information.  And I really do recommend this book.  I was really impressed with it because it really does have all of these steps that are easy to follow with the exercises, which are so important to be able to address some of these things. 

We are not even aware of our beliefs and our misconceptions and all that that goes along that happens in relationships.  And this is also a great tool to use with a partner to be able to start some of these discussions.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah, because I'm sure you agree with me that most people are not going to be willing to seek help with their sexuality.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Well, yeah.  I mean they do come and I'm sure you have the same experience.  When they do finally come to a therapist it's because things are really, really bad.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Right.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  And it’s gotten to a point where it's almost desperation and it's been too long.  Ideally it would be much better if couples could start working on these things before it gets to that point.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah.  Yeah.  A prevention.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  I'm sorry?

Krisanna Jeffrey:  A prevention.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah.  Being proactive about it and being able to go forward before things go into a rut is easier work.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  It’s definitely easier.

Krisanna Jeffrey: I find that a lot of people find it hard to admit that they don't know everything.  So they kind of would rather just let their sexual energy dwindle sometimes than actually admit that, “maybe there is stuff that I don't know”.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Right.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  So it's kind of a matter of just hopping on the train that's going somewhere and admitting that, “Yeah, I want to go there.  I don't know where there is but I want to go.”

Dr. Lori Buckley:  And there is always more to learn and I say this all the time.  I'm always learning and growing sexually.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  I don't believe that we ever reach our full potential because there are always more areas to grow into, to expand into with our sexuality and in our relationships.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  It’s something that, it's not like you're done.  Well, just with anything in life, right?  You're never done learning.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  No.  But people tend to believe with sex that it's something that is going down instead of going up.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah.  And people think that it's this innate thing that we just were born with.  We know how to do it.  We know how to have sex.  And that's not true.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  No, it's certainly not true.  But I can say for myself that at 55, sex for me now is better than it has ever been.  And I expect to be saying the same thing at 65.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Exactly.  And I have talked to women who are 65.  Well, as a matter of fact, Betty Dodson who is 77.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  And she says it's the best it has ever been in her life.  So if anything, we should be inspired by that.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  I agree.  I agree.  Yeah.  Yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  But again, it takes the work.  It's the knowing it can happen and having the desire to make it happen.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah, yeah.  And some kind of vehicle to make it happen really helps.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah, you need some guidance, some direction of, “OK, well how do we make this happen?”  But first you need to know that it can and you need to have the desire.  And like you said, the vehicle.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So before we wrap up, I do have a couple of questions that are geared directly really specifically for our men.  And the first one is we talked about female anatomy.  What about penises?  What can you tell us about misconceptions or beliefs about penises?

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Well the biggest misconception and the saddest one is that men should always be able to get a hard on on-demand.  And that is just so unfair because it's like saying that a woman should always have to be lubricated.  You know, it's just not so.

Men's penises are basically a great barometer for their physical health and their emotional security.  And a lot of time men think they should be able to get a hard on when there is really good reason why they are not.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  So I think that's the biggest misconception is that it should always be ready.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah, where do you think they get that from?

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Well that is a good question.  But pornography certainly would be one place where they are getting that message.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah, I think so.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  I think so.  And it might have been true at one time in their life.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  When they were in their teens perhaps.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah.  So they think that they should be functioning, their penises should be functioning the same way in their 30s and 40s and 50s, the same way that it did when they were in their teens or their 20s.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah.  And that's the big thing about sex and aging is that as we age our expectations unfortunately might stay the same but the body is changing.  But it's not the end of the world because it's not the same as it was when we were 20.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Right.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  In fact it gives us a lot of advantages really.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So it's not a good or a bad thing.  It's just different.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  It’s just different.  Yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  It’s different.  And when we are aware that it's different just like sex is different as time goes on, it is not down but different, when we have that knowledge it can be great, right?

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Exactly.  Exactly.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah.  So big misconceptions about penises, there are a lot out there and we don't really need to get into sizes.  We already know.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  But we know that clearly it's an issue for many, many men.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  The size of their penis.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Well, and women feed into it as well.  It's not just men that have it.  A woman thinks that if a man is not getting an erection right away she takes it personally.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  True.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  And that puts more pressure on the guy, which make it harder to get the erection the next time.  So it's just not fair.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Right, and then it goes into this whole negative loop.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  And everybody’s feelings and emotions start exacerbating the problem that's going on in the first place.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  And then it's, “Let’s avoid sex then because we're not quite sure what's happening here and it's getting full of tension.”

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Right, and those are the people we see in our office.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yes.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Right.  So if they could stop it before that happens.

Krisanna Jeffrey: That would be wonderful.  That's what motivated me to put the toolkit together.  If we could just get there earlier it would be good.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah, it's clear that you are very passionate about what you do.  I share that passion with you because some of it is, most of this that people are suffering with their sexuality and with their relationships, with some education and some guidance they can avoid a lot of this pain and suffering.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah, and my feeling is life is hard enough as it is.  Do we not taking full advantage of the pleasure potential that we have is just outright sad, you know?

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah, it's one of the best things we have going in our life is relationships and sexuality and when it isn't working, it becomes a bigger source of stress and problems than all of those other things.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah and I see a lot of that as really unnecessary.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Yeah, and that's the thing.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  It's very unnecessary.  So thank you for writing this book and for doing what you do, but I wanted to ask you one final question before we end.  That is a question I like to ask a lot of people and I know it's a little tricky sometimes because it's so general.  But I'm going to ask it anyway.  What is the one thing that men can do to give their partner more sexual pleasure?

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Well, I think it's a well-known fact that it won't be a technique.  It will be setting the mood.  It will be having romance.  It will be being interested.  It will be listening.  I can't stress that enough that that is such an aphrodisiac for women.  It may not be an aphrodisiac necessarily for men but if they want to have great sex and they want to pleasure their women that has to be done.

If that gets missed that it doesn't matter what technique you know, it's not going to end up in giving pleasure.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Well, I couldn't agree with you more.  I think that it's great advice for our listeners.

So Krisanna, how can our listeners contact you or get more information about your book?

Krisanna Jeffrey:  They can just go to my website, which is www.greatsexforlifetoolkit.com.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So www.greatsexforrlifetoolkit.com.  We will have that link on the website.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Great.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  So great.  If they go there they can find your book.  They can probably contact you.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Yeah, all my information is there.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  Perfect.  Well thank you so much Krisanna for joining us.

Krisanna Jeffrey:  Oh, thank you Lori.

Dr. Lori Buckley:  It just really was a pleasure having you.  I think there is some really great information.  Again, I love your book.

And listeners, please join us next week on “On the Minds of Men”.  I'm going to be talking with my friend Mark Phelan.  We are going to be talking about anal sex.  So you don't want to miss that show.  Make sure to send your questions and comments to [email protected].  And if you could send them right away, Mark and I will discuss them on the next show.

So that brings us to the end of the show.  I thank you so much for taking the time to listen.  And for text and transcripts of this show and other shows on the Personal Life Media Network, please visit our website at www.personallifemedia.com.  Again, thanks for listening.  This is your host Dr. Lori Buckley.

Announcer:  Find more great shows like this on personallifemedia.com