“Asking For Sex” Couples Exercise
In his new book, 5 Sex Languages, Doug Weiss tells the story of a couple —Ken and Clare —who came to see him for counseling because they were not having enough sex together.
When he inquired about how they ask for sex in the marriage what they told him was not a surprise…
Here’s an example of what happened one night: (scroll down)
HOW TO ASK FOR SEX
When Ken got home from a long day at work, he helped feed and put the kids to bed. Then he touched Clare on her back. But she was exhausted and didn’t notice the touch and fell asleep.
Ken laid there fuming, feeling completely overworked and under appreciated and rejected.
Clare was completely unaware. She had drifted off to sleep.
So what Doug did in their counseling session was to teach them HOW to ask for sex.
Many couples are missing out on more frequent sex with each other simply because the way they ask for sex is too subtle.
It’s like if you are so subtle that you might not actually be asking, you are trying to protect your ego from rejection, but you are also lacking in communication that is straightforward enough to be actionable.
Your partner doesn’t even know you’re asking.
And if you are a partner like Clare, who simply NEVER asks, never initiates sex, learning how to directly ask for sex will make your partner so much happier and feel so much more WANTED.
Here’s how Douglas Weiss, PhD recommends you ask for sex.
Look your partner in the eyes.
Use “I” statements, not “you” statements.
Be specific, not vague.
Respond with positive energy and words.
LOOK IN YOUR PARTNERS EYES
Making eye contact is a sign of confidence and connection. (The whole “touch on the back” is a creepy gesture that lacks confidence and is seething with sexual shame.) When you look your partner in the eyes, you establish a soul-connection and your partner feels seen, loved and desired. It’s sexier and more empowered when you make eye contact.
USE “I” STATEMENTS AND BE SPECIFIC
This is a classic therapy strategy. Own your own feelings. Don’t project onto your partner by saying, “Do you want to have sex?”
Own your own desires and say what you want:
“I would love to be intimate with you and make love tonight.”
“I need a few orgasms to blast this stress out of me. Can we kiss and I’ll get on top of you and use my vibrator while you play with my boobies?”
“I would love an Expanded Orgasm date this afternoon between 2 and 4 if you have time.”
Just ask for what you want.
RESPOND POSITIVELY
Even if your lovers offer isn’t right for you, respond positively! They put themselves at emotional risk to be honest. Here are some positive ways to answer, even if the offer needs “tweaking” to work for you.
“I would love to be intimate with you and make love tonight.:”
“Thank you, sweetie! I’d love to be intimate with you. Thank you for asking.”
“I need a few orgasms to blast this stress out of me. Can we kiss and I’ll get on top of you and use my vibrator while you play with my boobies:”
“Thank you for that fun image. I love it when you climb on top of me. Yes! And if you want me to go down on you first to get you all engorged, it would be my pleasure!”
“I would love an Expanded Orgasm date this afternoon between 2 and 4 if you have time:”
“You know I love to get my hands on your beautiful body. Can we start at 1 because the game comes on at 3?”
ASKING FOR SEX EXERCISE
Doug recommends you take turns practicing asking for sex. Ask your partner three times. Have them actively listen and positively respond.
Then have them ask you three times.
Repeat this three times each so you are asking and getting asked a total of nine times.
Then discuss what the exercise was like for you. How did getting asked make you feel? How did responding make you feel?
What was this experience like for you? Do you feel more confident asking for sex? Did you like being asked rather than trying to decipher some vague look or touch from your partner?
PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT
The more you begin asking for sex the more sex you will have together.
What’s important is to be able to ask and it be OK if sex doesn’t happen.
Sometimes we’re busy or tired or have another obligation.
If you consider an offer for sex just another acknowledgement of your desire for one another, then it’s not taken as rejection, and instead as celebration.
Keep the lines of communication going. Don’t be afraid to say, “no” if sex isn’t right for you in that moment.
Feel free to offer up other options. Maybe you don’t want to make love but you’d be happy to give your man a hand job?
There are a lot of pleasurable options once you start exploring and verbally giving and taking together.
Email me back if you think this exercise is something you can do that will help your sex life.
< === Click to grab Doug’s book off of Amazon
