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Warming Up A Lover

Warming Up A Lover


Dear Sloane,

My latest boyfriend is a guy who just got out of a 10 year marriage with bad sex.

A guy can’t go that long without losing his edge.

How can I encourage him to unleash his desire without making it look like I’m leading him?

He’s super hot and a beautiful man all around. I’d love to play this one out as far as it goes with him.

Though I know as soon as I have him back in peak performance, he’s going to want to be with more women.

I’ll just enjoy the ride.

Appreciate your advice.

You are my kind of woman.



Dear Raven,

You clever girl.

I’ll bet you’re seeing massive leaps forward every time you have a date, right?

The best way to feed his pent up hunger without emasculating him is thus:

1) Slow way down.

2) Tune up his equipment.

3) Be feminine and receive while encouraging him with your appreciation and lustful surrender.

Let’s get into some detail.

Slow Way Down While You Tune Him Up

Since your lover hasn’t had much sex, I’m assuming it wasn’t great sex either.  That means his penis has atrophied from lack of love. Though he may be able to get it up, and even keep it up for a while, I’m sure he’s out of practice and staying power. I suggest you spend a lot of time warming up his cock slowly. Start from the base and palpate and squeeze it gently. You want to get him hard as slowly as possible. Spend extra time bringing blood to the whole base of his shaft and scrotum with a warm organic oil massage. Massage his belly and all around the root of his penis. Spend a lot of time alternating light and firm pressure in his perineal area and stroking his balls in various tempos and pressures from light squeezing to whisper soft caresses. As you are doing this, stroke up the shaft and around the glans every 5-10 strokes. Do this lightly. You don’t want the top of his cock to get hard fast. You are laying in a foundation. You are not trying to make him come, you are engorging his entire genital system so he has a more robust member.

Feel inside underneath his skin to his buried shaft, the root of his cock. Get under his balls and feel around at the root. Look for little voids or soft areas where it may be weak. You want him to get a full, firm erection by the time he’s pounding away on you. And don’t rush intercourse. Have a few dates where you simply explore each other’s bodies and kiss and play with each other’s genitals. Remove all the performance pressure you can.

What you’re doing is reminding his penis to fully expand with all your hand strokes, kneads, rubs, massages, tickles and as many varieties of movement as you can think of.

After you’ve massaged him thoroughly, wipe off the organic oil with a towel carefully and sweetly and then give him some oral pleasuring. Run your tongue up and down his entire penis from balls to tip. Swirl around. Use your hands at the root to support him. Suckle his penis like a baby suckles a mother’s breast – flatten his penis in your mouth and suck. This will expand the blood in the corpus cavernosum so his erections are not only stronger, but his penis becomes thicker.

Pour love out from your heart into his dick.

Give him verbal cock appreciation. Tell him specific details about what you love about his cock and only his cock. What makes his cock beautiful to you? What turns you on about it? Men love to hear cock appreciation.

Get him to show you strokes he likes to do on himself when he masturbates. And think about how you are expanding his repertoire of pleasurable sensations with your own style of touch. In addition to retraining his cock to get harder, firmer and longer with your strokes and suckling, you are opening new neural pathways to pleasure in his brain.

Don’t be in any hurry to get him off. The idea is to hold him in a marvelous pleasure state as you touch him for your own pleasure and turn on.

He will want to reciprocate. And this is a fine time to give him a map to your pussy. Teach him what you like. Show him all your spots. Let him look, love and lick.

By slowing down to simple pleasures, deep kisses, make out massages and the like, you get back to those first sweet moments of lovemaking you did as a teen or young adult.

Remembering this special time and having it together again is extremely romantic for both of you. Savor it.

New relationship energy is so hot!

Lead Him With Your Surrender

If the sex in his marriage was unsatisfactory, he may be a little intimidated by your sexuality. Don’t let that worry you. He’s likely with you because you love sex (and for other reasons too, I’m sure).  This is the time to give him some good guidance and then step back and let him practice on you. Teach him about, “OK Baby,” so you establish a way to give him solid feedback that doesn’t bruise his ego. And bring your turn on for him to the process. Make almost everything he does feel great to you. If your pussy is already turned on the moment he lays a finger or tongue on you, he’ll feel like a superstar.

Give him a ton of verbal appreciation through language and sounds. Moaning will make him feel like a stud when he does good things you like.  He needs double feedback to speed him on his recovery.

Instead of directing him, just run him a menu of ideas so he has a range of options and then let him lead. That way he will know his boundaries and can play within them confidently. If you want to be a wizard at running menus, Dr. Patti’s Seduction Trilogy has the invaluable Four Keys To Seduction model that will serve you well with every sexual encounter the rest of your life. You can get her ebook, More Sex More Often at the bottom of this page. It’s free and will teach you the first key.

Then just lie back, relax and give him awesome feedback. Giving a guy space to run the show will build his confidence way more than if you are just directing him the whole time.

If he likes lingerie, wear it. If he showers, dry him off and lick his cock dry. Find ways to service him as well as being a beautiful receiver of his masculinity. That will amp up the polarity and consequently the sexuality. If he has some pent up desires, coax them out of him. He’s spent the last 10 years fantasizing about the kind of sex he wishes he was having. Find out his fantasies. The third audiobook in the Seduction Trilogy is called, Be Her Sexual Trainer. I recorded the books for Dr. Patti in my sexiest voice and explain how you can elicit his fantasies. Here’s a video about how to train each other sexually.

You are his delight. Remember that. He is so lucky to have you.  Enjoy the heck out of him and let me know how you do.  Much love and enjoy the ride!

Get to know more how to warm up a lover, download our free eBook!


  1. liked that a lot.

  2. Wow … I too am recently out of a long marriage with bad sex, and I’ve had a few encounters with new women that haven’t gone well (me struggling with erection) for all of the reasons that you described. If only I met someone who was patient and caring enough to follow your guidelines above, things would have been very different. And they will be. Thanks for laying out a great plan to help guys like us get back in the game. And makes me feel better that I’m not the only one a little challenged to get my “edge” back.

    • Davey,
      When you meet a woman you want to have sex with, let her know your history so she understands that you will improve each time you make love.
      Too many people hold a ridiculous fantasy that spontaneous first time sex will be mind-blowing. Just slow WAY DOWN. Date a woman first to get to know her, then slowly reveal yourselves, kiss and get used to each other. So when the time comes for you to get an erection, you’ll be way more comfortable.
      Get yourself out there and have some life experiences, baby!

  3. Hi,I need your advice.I met thise man four months ago & he told me that he is staying with a woman friend who is 14years older than him,but he said he loves me & wants to be with me….Though he said it wasn’t easy now to let her go because he promised to take good care of her as she helped him 10 years ago when he needed help.The woman is about 67 years.
    As she is very old,I accepted the friendship with him & all was well with us but for days ago,I received a message from him that his woman found out that he is writing to me,so she is upset & he told me to give him time as he is going to be writing less to me.
    I loved him very such & we shared very nice moments together,I have failed to forget him,he has not written to me since then.What can I do? I need help as I’m confused now.Can I just accept it & forget him?

    • Hi Sweetie,
      I am sorry this happened to you. Your guy is being controlled, likely financially, by this older woman. She wants status quo. He longs for more. It won’t happen because he doesn’t have the financial ability to be on his own and in choice about who he’s with.
      I encourage you to chalk this one up to a life experience. At least you know you met a guy and had a great connection. And you can do it again. Get yourself back out there and find a man who isn’t in a situation that will prevent him from loving you fully.
      I suggest you use a online dating site that appeals to you and post a lot of pictures of yourself with a list of the kind of man and situation for which you long.
      Make it easy for a guy to say, “oh, yeah, she’s pretty and wants what I want.”
      Circle back and let me know how you are doing.
      And be kind to your tender heart, but don’t traumatize yourself by continuing to pursue that which you cannot have.

  4. Wow. That would be awesome even for regular sex. I wish women would give that much attention all the time! Why must we do all the work to make the love session longer. You wonder why we have performance anxiety!

    • Tim, Please go up to the top right of the site here and use the search box to find articles that cover “initiate sex.” It’s one of the questions I’ve been asked the most over the last decade of being a sex advisor. There will be a lot in those articles to help you understand and manage the dynamic. Educate yourself so you know what to do and are not stuck in frustration or impacted by performance anxiety.
      Bottom line: it’s how we’re wired. Go with the flow and you won’t be frustrated.

  5. As a start, YES, we need to learn to ACCEPT everythiing that happens to us – and whether or not we understand it will it work out for the best for everyone involved. We need to trust life and KNOW that we are all in it together as sisters and brothers. If you want to surrender to jealousy that is ok, means you have a bit of work to do upon yourself untill you are ready to match with someone.
    By the way, I am also 67 yrs this year and do not feel old – finding this site very interesting – understanding that there is absolutely a lot more to learn in life. All the best to you

  6. That method will not work on my man its kinda hard to stroke his cook as he lives in another country and we don’t see each other however any suggestions on how to keep online conversations going without getting bored? And how can I start a conversation with him without sex and get his attention to stay on board any suggestions will be helpful as we just became friends on fb, I want to keep him interested. Thanks

    • Hi Theresa,
      I’d take this time while you’re at a distance to get to know his heart and what he values most in life and in relationship. I suggest my couples exercise called, Relationship Magic. This is one question you ask yourself that gets to what you and he want most out of a potential relationship. In explaining your values, through this exercise, you will create hours of meaningful conversation and intimacy.
      Then when you ARE together, you will be that much closer and more aligned. A solid footing is the foundation for great sex.
      P.S. If you do the exercise, please come back and share your top four relationship values in this comment.

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